Jack Chick is only a sock for the Lord, Himself! At least that’s what he says. He is as you describe him.
Uh oh, Bob, we got a problem. I’ve never had impure thoughts while eating sausages, but pancakes, well, I won’t disturb you with the details (because they’d disturb you, and you seem pretty well along that path already), but pancakes cause me to have really vivid fantasies of doing the sort of things that are included in the Old Testament but never mentioned in church. Fried eggs remind me of breasts, and you REALLY don’t want to know about pouring milk on cereal. Even hot moist slippery oatmeal can get me into a sweat. Fruit? Forget about it. If I do decide to give up my wicked ways and lead a life of virtue, is there any sort of breakfast food you can recommend, or am I going to have to just indulge all of my evil, evil carnality and keep one of your tracts handy for the day the inevitable arterial blockage kicks off and hope I have time to sign before your boss shows up to cast me into the flames?
Do you think you could put in a good word for me and have him accept my initials?
Yeah. And what about mayonnaise?
these are all dangerous foods, it is true. I, myself, find that I have never had impure thoughts while eating glazed doughnuts, clams or jelly rolls. You may consider them spiritually safe for consumption.
Bob, ince you have checked the box, have you taken advantage of your ‘saved’ status to, you know, indulge yourself in any particularly sinful behavior?
Is there such a thing as sin, once I check the box?
I’ve got to know fast, because all this guilt is eating me alive!
One you have checked the Holy box you are one hundred percent assured of salvation! However, I never do anything wrong and I am told I remind people of Jesus. See the third panel in [urlhttp://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/5012/5012_01.asp?FROM=bibleseries]this tract for evidence!
You, however, cannot be expected to be as great as me and Jesus. All of your sins, past, presnt and future were wiped away when you checked His Holy Box!
The Devil has sabotaged my coding! Here it is again!
Hey Bob, is there any kind of age limit for Hell? I mean, if you shove a Chick tract in a baby’s face (maybe the tract without words), and then the baby dies, will it go to Hell? Obviously, once the kid starts reading he’s on his own, but what about before?
Baby’s can look at pictures! Once a baby has been shown the truth then that baby has NO EXCUSE!! Jesus Christ did not die on a cross for ungrateful babies! They coo and giggle now, but they will not be cooing and giggling when they are burning in the lake of FIRE!!
fire…fire…haw, haw…
I have done extensive err…research…in this area and have found it’s best to just think of it as “tube steak.” There is no prohibition against eating beef, right Bob?
Dear Bob,
I’m torn. I found out my neighbour was a wiccan who worked Sundays, ate unclean animals and mixed her dairy with meat on a constant basis. So following the Bible’s rules I stoned her to death. Then I remebered the ten commandments (It’s true… they made a movie about it) “Thou shalt not Kill”
So while following one of God’s laws I broke another… Am I going to hell with that heathen?
Uh…Holy Fax, Bobman, don’t you mean email him? Surely God has a computer with a kickass Internet connection (wireless, of course)?
[sub][sup]BTW, do you have His email address handy? I have some pictures He might appreciate.[/sup][/sub]
You remember what Bob said, Kinpengvin? He said god is an uncaring, loathsome monster who sends people to hell because they have different beliefs. He doesn’t care what you do, as long as you’re his slave. You can be Satan, and you STILL get into heaven if you check the box.
How exactly would that make people love god, if he’s cruel enough to send a newborn into hell because they didn’t check the box? If anything, spending an eternity with someone like THAT wouldn’t be very much of a reward.
:wally
“Thou shalt not kill” only applies to fellow Christians, not to those who reject Christ’s love. You have done the right thing! May God help you deceive Satan’s police!
Here’s God’s e-mail: Almightygod@Heaven.com
Here’s Jesus’ private e-mail; Bonofan@yahoo.com
God has a really sweet setup, wireless, instantaneous-speed, infinite memory, wafer-thin, 36 inch plasma-screen monitor, mp3 burner, you name it, He’s got it! He spends a lot of time on message boards talking about Himself, but He won’t come to SDMB anymore because people kept yelling 'Cite?" at Him and accusing Him of arguing “from authority.”
No. the wiccan is the same as the christian. The one difference is that the wiccan worships a different thing.
If satan has a system of law, what’s it like? Probably better than a system where you can do anything simply by checking a box, yet if you don’t check the box, you get tortured even if you do no wrong.
:wally
Musicat,
God’s e-mail server is down at the moment…you may send your fire porn to me at eternlflaymes@hotmail.com. I will see that they are forwarded to the Lord.
[homer]
Mmmm…fire porn…
[/homer]
Why do you persist in trying to find fault with the Lord? Jesus Christ, the Son of God, came to earth and died for you so that you may check the box and be saved! If He offers His love to a abbay and that bay rejects Him, then then that baby has sealed it’s own fate! Babies have no sons!
I have told you this before, Christ is no THING! Jesus Christ is the only son of GOD who died for your sins! Wiccans worship Satan in their druidic rituals. Wiccans sacrifice babies to their moon goddess! The moon did not die for your sins!
No.I cannot worship something that will punish a person like that even though they can’t know.
Christ is not a person. He is not a place. Therefore, he is a thing. They do? Prove it. I see no reason that they would. I remember seeing a quote from something about wiccan religion/law/stuff. Part of that religious beliefs/law/stuff is that you DON’T go around killing stuff. Getting a knife stuck in you would HURT.
And I never said babies had sons, or that the moon died for our sins. The moon can’t die, and babies can’t reproduce. Babies CAN marry in some countries, though.