Ask me your Dear Abby questions

[The_Weird_One]

@QuickSilver

Does this look infected to you?

Dear Quicksilver,

I dunno; does it taste infected?

The Weird One

[The_Weird_One]

@nitroglycerine

Dear Abby,
Got a problem. I’m a decent, underpaid, hardworking county coroner.
It’s important that my family eat meat at least three times a week, but we just can’t afford to with the prices the way they are, so I bring home some choice cuts from my autopsy subjects. Just mix in the tuna helper and ta-da!

The whole family thinks my new meals are delicious. They ask me what’s
my secret.

Abby, I think they’re getting suspicious. My smart-ass 8-year-old keeps
asking, where’s all the meat? The red dye #2 kind that’s kept in the fridge.

If they find out the truth I don’t think they’ll understand. Abby, what do I tell
my family?

10 cool points for the correct answer

Dear . . . since you didn’t sign your letter, I hereby dub thee Hannibal.

[huff]Well, if you already know the correct answer, what are you asking me for?[/huff]

In the meantime, I recall learning somewhere that human flesh tastes like pork, and that the best parts are the breastmeat or the arm, depending on which account of 19th century pioneers getting stuck in snowstorms you read.

Your family, though, is asking where it came from, not what it is. The answer to that is ridiculously easy: tell them you stop at the butcher’s on the way home from work. I’d be annoyed at you for even asking this question, if you hadn’t provided me with such a perfect opportunity to showcase my inappropriately detailed knowledge of the edibility of human flesh.

The Weird One

[The_Weird_One]

@Iceland_Blue

Dear Abby,
Hi!Hi!Hello!Greetings!How are you?
I have a number of personalities of varying genders and ages and I want to know which one I should let run my life for me.Most of the time I am a young blonde American high school cheerleader named Victoria and that is the personality I like the most,but at weekends I am taken over by the spirit of a slave worker in ancient Egypt and if I were to let him go,then the building of the Pyramids may suffer.Then,I hear the voices from the docking craft where I am a military commander in the future in the Great Planetary War and the success of our mission depends on me maintaining this persona for long periods at a stretch.It’s so confusing cos sometimes the personalities try to take over from each other or fight…and then it all ends up as a squabble of voices.Then others come and go…last Christmas I ended with six and a half personalities-the half actually materialized during a pub quiz night,causing a great disturbance in the Sport round.
Who should I be?Which personality should I drop that would cause me the least damage?Please help us…we’re so confused…who am I?Help…help…the voices are calling me to accept another personality.I can’t take any more.I am five people already.I can’t be any more…

Dear Iceland Blue,

First, tell the Egyptian slave to relax, the pyramids have already been built. His job is done, and he can go away now.

The military commander should leave, too; since the Great Planetary War isn’t going on now, there’s nothing he can really do to help. And we’ve all read enough sci-fi to know that any attempts to alter the future for one’s benefit will blow up in one’s face. Tell him you’ll let him know when the war starts, and until then he should lie low.

Tell me more about this Victoria . . . does she perchance bear any resemblance to the main character in this movie? Perhaps she should come over to my house so we can talk about her problems more in-depth. Tell her wear a nightie and bring a soft fluffy pillow.

The Weird One

[The_Weird_One]

@racer72

Deer Abby-
My name is Cletus .my wife rhonda and me got marryd last week, Las nite i got a big pimplle on my back… i askd rhonda to pop it and she says no. SHe sais she caint pop pimpls till we is not noolyweds anymor. i would axx my granma but shes in jale agin. how long will it bee berfor we is not noolywds any mor. Cletus.

Dear Cletus,

Probably you will remain newlyweds until you stop asking Rhonda to stop popping your back pimples. Exactly how old are you, anyway? Last I checked, most states have laws prohibiting people who are still getting back pimples from getting married.

Anyway, here’s my suggestion: tomorrow morning, go to the chicken coop with Rhonda. Lie down in the chicken yard on your stomach and have Rhonda scatter the chicken feed over your back. The pimple will look enough like a piece of ground corn that one of the birds is bound to peck it open for you.

The Weird One

[Uvula_Donor]

@Iceland_Blue

Most of the time I am a young blonde American high school cheerleader named Victoria and that is the personality I like the most. . .

And **Iceland_Blue **wonders why so many Dopers think he’s female?

[The_Weird_One]

@sweetfreak

Dear Abby,

There is…someone I think about all the time. She haunts my dreams, and my waking hours. She is the only person I think about.
Sometimes, I sit by the window on a rainy day, wiping my steak knife clean, staring off into the clouds, thinking of nothing but her.
How do I get her off my mind, Abby? I want to find her, and tell her about my feelings, about what I want to do to her, for her. I could make her very happy.
Every morning, when I open the newspaper, there she is, her lovely, lovely face, staring at me, inviting me to find her.
I will. I will find her. I have been paying close attention, doing research, and someday she will be mine.
She speaks to me. Every time I read her column in the newspaper, she speaks her words of love to me.
Please, Abby, how do I let this woman know that I am the one for her?
And how can I let her know that the one in the trunk was just a fling, nothing serious, nothing to compare to her.

Signed,

I will be waiting for your answer.

Dear IWBWFYA,

Tell me, what do you have to offer this mystery woman? Are you attractive? Intelligent? Funny? Eager to serve your Mistress on hands and knees? Do you strive to overcome your imperfect maleness by grovelling before the perfect Feminine? humph I’ve cut better men than you. Still, there’s probably nothing a few – all right, several – good hard floggings couldn’t cure.

The Weird One

[sweetfreak]

@The Weird One

Dear IWBWFYA,

Tell me, what do you have to offer this mystery woman? Are you attractive? Intelligent? Funny? Eager to serve your Mistress on hands and knees? Do you strive to overcome your imperfect maleness by grovelling before the perfect Feminine? humph I’ve cut better men than you. Still, there’s probably nothing a few – all right, several – good hard floggings couldn’t cure.

The Weird One

Yes, yes, yes. Attractive, intelligent, and funny and very eager to serve my Mistress on hands and knees.
And…and…I already have overcome my imperfect maleness. I am female.
humbly surrenders my steak knife to my Mistress and pretends I am not looking forward to the floggings as I grovel in complete submission

[The_Weird_One]

@eleanorigby

Dear Abby-
My husband of 20 years just told me that I am plain vanilla in bed and he wants moosetracks.

does this mean he wants to do it with animals or am I shopping at the wrong grocery store?

Signed,

Ethel Iphenegia McFudd.

Dear Ethel,

Are you sure you don’t mean Iphigenia?

Your husband is expressing an interest in a variation of the trampling fantasy. The most common version of this fantasy is being stepped on by a woman in spiked high heels. In your husband’s case, however, the desire is not to be dominated by the feminine, but by a Canadian lumberjack. I recommend you buy a pair of boots and a Nancy Sinatra album. Next time your husband comes home from work, put the album on and greet him wearing nothings but the boots. Won’t he be surprised!

The Weird One

[The_Weird_One]

@Iceland_Blue

Oh goodie another stalker

Oh, no you don’t! This one’s mine! wrestles Sweatfreak bodily away from Iceland_Blue

[zev_steinhardt]

Dear Abby,

I read in a book somewhere that five billion years from now, the sun is going to expand and engulf the planet Earth, destroying everything here in the world.

What can we, as concerned citizens, do about this? I don’t want all of our human accomplishments to go up in a puff of smoke!

Afraid of Being Burnt.

(Zev Steinhardt)

[The_Weird_One]

@Shagnasty

Dear Abby,

I was at a party about a year ago. Me and the guys were in the kitchen playing poker and a bunch of women were in the living room. We were all pretty drunk. I bet three of the guys $20 that I could produce more semen than they could. They took the bet and we masturbated into these little jars that we found. We measured an I won! However, we left the jars on the counter and went out to smoke. While we were gone, some of the women came in, saw the jars, and thought it would be funny to take a turkey baster and artifically inseminate themselves. Sure enough, three of them got pregnant, one with twins. Now the kids are three months old and the women are demanding compensation and help raising the child. The problem is, we have no idea who belongs to who. DNA tests may not be the best way to go because we may not like our biological child the best out of the bunch. Nobody wants the twins and I have my heart set on this scrapping boy.

Should we use a dice game or a card game to sort out the kids?

Dear DPPM (Drunken Poker-Playing Mastubator),

Logic decrees that whoever produced the most semen must be the father of the twins, right? So I’m afraid you’re stuck with them. But you can always console yourself by remembering that you’re more of a man than either of your friends.

The other two should figure out which kid they want. If they each want a different one, then you’re set. If they both want the same one, then they should resolve the issue through trial-by-combat. After all, if there’s one thing Fight Club taught us, it’s that there’s no problem so great that it can’t be solved by bare-knuckle boxing.

The Weird One

[Iceland_Blue]

@The Weird One

Oh, no you don’t! This one’s mine! wrestles Sweatfreak bodily away from Iceland_Blue

ahem don’t you mean Sweetfreak? I am not aware she has any unnatural desire for perspiration And she’s mine,ALL mine Gimme gimme gimme I want her I want her I want her…drags her back from The Weird One

[The_Weird_One]

@zev_steinhardt

Dear Abby,

I read in a book somewhere that five billion years from now, the sun is going to expand and engulf the planet Earth, destroying everything here in the world.

What can we, as concerned citizens, do about this? I don’t want all of our human accomplishments to go up in a puff of smoke!

Afraid of Being Burnt.

(Zev Steinhardt)

Dear Zev,

Here’s my thinking on the issue:

Killing one, some, or a whole bunch of people is bad. It is fundamentally wrong to kill someone, and doing so causes suffering and tends to perpetuate further violence.

But the sun is not a concious being; it’s a giant chemical reaction, and, in a moral sense, cannot be faulted for any deaths it may cause. Moreover, if everybody died all at once, then no one would be left to mourn or in any way give a shit about what happened. In other words, you can worry about the sun blowing up all you want, but that will not change these two facts:

1. It’s going to happen anyway.
2. By the time it happens, you will be long dead and therefore not in a position to care what happens.
   Actually, this ties into one of my other theories, that considering the way things are headed, maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing if some maniac triggered a nuclear war that resulted in the total destruction of the human race. But considering the impossibility of guaranteeing of total destruction, and considering that anything less is unacceptable, I guess we’d better just keep working for peace. sigh

If you’re really so concerned that human accomplishments must be remembered infinitely, then I recommend you enter the field of rocket science and figure out some way to get us, or at least some record of us, into another galaxy sometime in the next five billion years.

The Weird One

[sweetfreak]

@Iceland_Blue

ahem don’t you mean Sweetfreak? I am not aware she has any unnatural desire for perspiration And she’s mine,ALL mine Gimme gimme gimme I want her I want her I want her…drags her back from The Weird One

Now, flogging I can deal with.
But being dragged and twisted every which way?
I don’t know, Iceland and The Weird One , I am kind of attached to my limbs. :dubious:
debates stealing my steak knife back, torn between disobeying my Mistress and protecting my own life

[Iceland_Blue]

OK,we’ll divide her…The Weird One can have the bottom half and I claim the top half

[The_Weird_One]

@Iceland_Blue

ahem don’t you mean Sweetfreak? I am not aware she has any unnatural desire for perspiration And she’s mine,ALL mine Gimme gimme gimme I want her I want her I want her…drags her back from The Weird One

:smack: My deepest appologies to Sweetfreak for the misspelling. bows I certainly meant no offense.

Now, hand her over, you knave!! The lady is clearly enamoured of me! :mad:
dazes Iceland_Blue with a bop! to the head, throws Sweetfreak over her shoulder and runs off

[The_Weird_One]

Hmmm, maybe this has gone too far . . . .

[Scumpup]

Dear Abby,
Quite by accident, I recently found that it is intensely pleasurable to press my groin against my bread-maker while it is going through the “knead” cycle. I’m a virile man and in good health, so I find myself using the bread-maker two or three times a day. More on weekends. To get to my problem, do you have any good machine-friendly bread recipes?
Regards,
I KNEAD U

[phall0106]

@swampbear

Dear Abby,

Like, I was, you know, in the mall? Like, you know, with Tiffany and Brittney? Like, Tiffany and Brittney wanted to, you know, like, go and, you know, like, shoplift some stuff at the Gap? Like, I’m like, you know, rippin’ off the Gap, is so, you know, last year? Like, I thought, you know, like, we should go rip some stuff off from, like, Aeropostle, which, like, you know, I can’t really spell, but like, you know is the* place to, like, you know, shoplift this year? Like, Tiffany and Brittney go all, like, you know, we like, you know, stuff at, like the Gap? Like, I go like, you know, like the Gap is, like, you know, all like, you know last year? Like, me and Tiffany and Brittney, you know, like, get in this, like, you know, really big, like, you know, arguement? Like, you know, now, we aren’t speaking cause, like, you know, we’re like, you know, all mad and stuff? Like, you know, Dear Abby, like, you know, like, who’s right, you know? Like, would you have, you know, like, you know, just, like, gone along with your, like, you know friends and lifted like, you know stuff from like the, you know, soooooo last year place to like, you know, shoplift? Like, you know, everybody would’ve, like, you know, laughed at us, for, like, you know, being, like all last year and stuff, you know? Like, Dear Abby, you know, like, I really need, like, your, you know, advice on like, you know, what to do?

Hip Lifter

Reading that made my eyes hurt.

[Iceland_Blue]

Dear Abby

I’ve been stalking this Doper for some time now but she doesn’t seem to be interested.I don’t know what else I can do to show my interest-I’ve found her home address,her home phone number,her mobile.I’ve made several sexual references to her and loitered around her house.And yet it doesn’t seem to be enough-all she’s done is report me to the police and put a restraining order down.
What should I do next to make her aware of my feelings? Perhaps a picture of her in her underwear blown up on a billboard?Maybe write her a letter telling her what I’d like to do to her.She’d get the hint then right?