Ask The Cougar

I’m a 41 year-old woman who has been single for over ten years. During that time, I dated quite a bit. Nothing serious, for the most part, just casual dating with a couple boyfriends here and there during that time. They were always my own age or older though- I never had any interest or intention in being a “cougar”, what I always felt was somewhat of a derogatory term. In other words, I never wanted a relationship of a romantic nature with a man much younger than me.

And then I met this young man. We met in that classic way of lovers around the globe- on the internet. We became friends and IM’d here and there, then started texting each other as well. A little flirting turned into a plan for him to come to visit me for the weekend- he lives in a nearby state. We hit it off pretty well. He has since then visited me another time. We have fun together, he’s cute and sweet and appreciative, and best of all he thinks I’m sexy. A woman needs, at certain times in her life, sometime to remind of her that!

So apparently I have become a cougar. I don’t know if, after this boy goes away, if I will ever want to do this again, but for now it’s working for me and for him.

I’m of the opinion that this has become such a common occurrence that nobody’s really that interested anymore, but if anyone has any questions I’d be happy to answer them.

What is the age difference and do you have a hard time talking about serious issues?

I am 41 and he is 24- should’ve clarified that in the OP.

As for serious issues, we don’t have any trouble with them. We don’t talk politics, we are both atheists, we both agree we don’t have any future and are only temporarily hanging out (naked) and so far we’re both good with that. Serious issues just don’t really come up. It’s about the most uncomplicated relationship I’ve ever had.

Cool, I’m a 42yo male and as much as I find the twenty somethings physically attractive, I really don’t think I could stand having to listen to them afterwards. That, and of course, my wife may have something to say about it.

I don’t see that age is a problem; a friend of mine and his wife are 10 years apart in age and are doing well married.

Are there any generation gap?

I’d say that yes, there’s definitely a generation gap. I have three sons, the two oldest being 16 and almost 19, so in many, many ways this boy reminds me of them in his dress and manners. He doesn’t know a lot of my favorite songs, books, or movies, or really all that much about women in general. He’s very sweet and pure, though- he has a smooth delicious innocence and innate goodness that’s not been twisted yet. I like that.

OK, I’ve been reading this book of short stories, with some of the people having similar experiences to yours, so I just have to ask - is he a vampire? A blood-sucker? Someone trying to drink your blood slowly over a period of time and get you to join HIS COVEN? They start with the atheists because the atheists are less likely to have crucifixes and holy water on hand!

Just saying is all. If you have evidence to the contrary then ignore this post.

::reaches hand to neck::


Oh, shit!

Dammit, this always happens!


I ask in all seriousness, don’t you ever feel more inclined to pat him on the head and make him a nice sammich than to fuck him?

That was my experience. Of course, smooth innocence doesn’t appeal to me. I *like *'em twisted. :smiley:

Yes, I do struggle with that. I want to make sure his coat is buttoned up and his tummy is full of food and that he flosses every day and that he’s making good choices in life and then I have to stop myself and say, okay he already has a mother and you already have your own kids, and he’s a grown man at that. It becomes less of a struggle as time goes by.

And I have to admit that I like them twisted too- this is a 100% turnaround from my normal bad-boy affairs of the heart. It’s an adjustment. But then, he’s so cute that you just want to squeeze him until his little head pops off.

And it’s not a permanent thing- it’s more like something to smile about when I’m in my rocking chair. My great grandchildren will think I’m senile and smiling at elephants in the clouds- I won’t tell them that no, I’m smiling because I remember!

Who would you say seduced the other? As you said, you weren’t ever seeking such a relationship before this, so did he sweep you off your feet or did you change your stance soon after meeting him and decided to pursue him?

Would you say these are particularly bad generational things? I don’t imagine such things being good for a relationship of this type, but would these things eventually be the downfall if you two were to continue to see each other in the future?

Smooth and delicious? Are you talking about beer of some sort? :stuck_out_tongue:

Heh heh. hehhehehehehhe.

We flirted, like you do, and made insinuations, like you do, pretty normal. Then he decided to take me up on my invite to visit, like most people don’t. I think most people casually flirt all the time with no real intention of actually getting together and doing those things that are being contemplated. For whatever reason, he did, and I didn’t sense that he was any threat to me or my life in any way, so I said okay. So far he has not axe-murdered me, not even a little bit. I would never have pursued him in a serious way in a million years.

Yes, I can see a dissimilar cultural and generational experience being a big issue in a long term relationship. Opposites may attract, but studies show that long term happiness is more likely with someone that was raised in a similar way with the same cultural experience.

And he is smooth and delicious- after all they named a Thai dish after him. Haven’t you ever had Cream of Sum Yung Gai? Now that I’ve tasted it, I’m hungry for more! Plus, he still has that new car smell.

Not that little head. Need that.

That is too hilarious! :smiley:

You say it’s not a permanent thing, so would these differences in generation affect the long-term capability of the casual nature of the relationship?

For example, a hypothetical: In five years, you two are both single (again or still, doesn’t matter) and you’ve both kept in regular contact with each other throughout these five years. Would these generational differences affect the chances of a “second round” after your initial times together?

:smiley: Anyway, fill your boots. When you are in your rocking chair (say, 90) with your fond memories, the lad will only be 73 - and he’ll have fond memories about you too.

I personally would feel gross doing this (being with someone in their 20’s) in five years. Maybe in five years I will still feel as young and sexy as I do now, or maybe I’ll be wearing Depends and getting my hair done weekly at the beauty parlor, or needing artificial hips, or- okay I have slight issues with aging. We’ll see how I feel in five years. Although my long term goals include marriage to an age-appropriate person, so hopefully it won’t even be an option.

Well, we do plan on getting married when I’m 80 and he’s 63 if we’re both still single- by then nobody’ll care. And we’ll still be having hot monkey sex.

I thought Depends, beauty parlors and artificial hips were all for people in their 50s and older? Seriously though, yes that marriage goal might prevent a second round, of sorts.

I wanted to add this in an edit, but was too slow: Would you recommend this Thai food to any older Doper woman that are interested in feeling extra young again? Any in specific? ;):cool::smiley:

I’m sure it can work for some, but my husband is 20 years older than I and we’ve been apart since January. At least half of the demise was due to the age difference. I look at my Mom at 65 and she could pass for 15 years younger. I imagine myself at her age and my husband being 85 and it breaks my heart. The fact that he’s an uncommunicative ass didn’t help, either! :slight_smile: