Dear Evil friedo,
How do you maintain fear among your toadies and henchstaff? Do you work from Who Moved My Cheese? Is the threat of smaller cubicles effective in improving henchstaff efficiency?
Dear Evil Supervillian,
Great thread!
Question: how are nemeses established? Do you pick the do-gooder as your nemesis or is it the other way around? It seems like superheroes tend to go up against several supervillians, but supervillains tend to stick with one or a limited number of superheroes to fight. Why is this?
Also, what do you consider your most disappointing thwarting?
It seems there are a lot more male supervillains than female supervillains. What do you do for, uh, companionship? Or does the lack of conversational skills in the pneumatic blondes with whom you surround yourself never grate?
Dear Evil SV:
A lot of SVs seem to have access to hidden cameras that show what the superhero is doing. They aren’t the cheap kind that display in black-and-white and have horizontal grey bars that float down the screen like the ones at 7-11. You also seem to change camera angles quite a lot, so it appears you must have at least a dozen cameras mounted at the superhero’s current goings-on and a team of video technicians at your disposal. How are you so good at putting your cameras and video equipment exactly where the do-gooder is at any given moment, and can you build me a similar setup for the hot chick down the street?
Signed,
Confused yet Determined.
How does one find/acquire a hollowed-out volcano? What kind of contractors can make these into livable environments/workplaces?
What are the pros and cons of toying with the heroes as they are helplessly bound, and then leaving them to die unwatched? Is this better than just shooting them?
Why move on the hero’s woman, when supervillainesses dress much hotter (low-cut leather, spike heels, etc)? Or do you “want them foully for their very purity?”
Whjo is your role model, Blofeld, Ming the Merciless or Iago? Have I missed anyone important?
Why did Dracula get so little respect on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer?”
Dear E. Supervillain:
What I"d really like to know is, how do you repeatedly escape from incarceration after being captured by the hero? This is virtually a prerequisite of a successful career as a supervillain.
My Lord Friedo, I was wondering if you might care to elaborate on this topic. You see, my own ideal career is “supervillain lackey”, ideally with a focus on the planning and theoretical aspects of the supervillain’s plan for world domination. Right now, I’m a political science undergrad with a minor in economics, which I feel is a pretty good start for any evil-related field. Would this be a sufficient degree of formal education, or do supervillains prefer lackeys with master’s degrees? If so, would the Georgetown Security Studies program be a good choice?
In addition to government or microsoft evil experience, what other real-world background do supervillians like their brainier lackeys to have? I’m thinking that the Peace Corps may be a good way to get a new perspective on third-world countries and how best to undermine their security, but might it seem like I’m not being evil enough?
If I’m working in government, what positions would most closely reflect ability in the work I’d be doing as a lackey? I understand that every supervillian is different, but if you could say what sort of government work you would like to see, that would be very much appreciated. The State and Defense Departments are no-brainers, obvious good choices, but how do you feel about the Congressional Research Service? It seems to me that any good supervillian needs legions of amoral nerds, and the CRS is pretty much the nerdiest job there is.
I’m sorry for the length of this post, but if I could just ask one more question: what sort of things do supervillains like to see in recommendations from former profs and bosses? Do you want the normal glowing reviews, or are you more comfortable with reviews that, while positive overall, mention things like “complete lack of compassion for fellow man” and “not a team player”?
Thank you, my lord. I eagerly await the dawn of your terrible and magnificent reign.
You humble servant,
Mr. Excellent.
Dear Mr. Esteemed Evil Generalissimo,
In your plans for your eventual millenia-long dominion over Earth, who do you plan on having executed first, upon your rise to power? And what methods would you prefer, Retro-60s Laser Tables, Classical Roman Gladiatorial Bouts, or the more “in style” Ancient Asian Torture with a Vague but Scary Name?
Can you please obliterate whoever is to blame for the loss of the massive post that just got eaten.
Thank you.
Gorgon Heap,
Evil Mastermind
[A-hem]
I see Microsoft’s hands in my post being eaten.
At any rate, I shall do my best to remember everything I said.
I am not a Supervillian. I am, in fact, an Evil Mastermind. I contract out to Supervillians to assist in the production of Handy Evil Gadgets[sup]TM[/sup] and act as a consultant for base/lair construction. My fees are rather exorbitant, but if you want Evil, you want me. Unfortunately, some of the lesser Supervillians allow their labor to talk them out of my services, citing inexplicable fears of outsourcing.
Still, I can help at least one of you …
Knowed Out: The camera devices you speak of have actually been around for a long time, but the advances in technology since the 60s have made them much more reliable and accurate. For your purposes, I suggest the “Peeping Mole” [designed at Evil Mastermind Labs]. It is a small machine, only 11cm long, and utilizes a periscopic fiber-optic camera that deploys when the machine has tunneled to a new location. The ingenious part is the tracking system: It attunes itself to the hero’s secret communications device frequency. The actual transmissions are often shielded and coded and the “Mole” is too small to receive them, but a good lip-reader at your side should take care of the lack of audio. The biggest drawback of using the “Mole” in the city is its tendency to collide with building foundations, but you should be fine since your target is fairly stationary.
Luck!
Gorgon Heap,
Evil Mastermind
I find that the best way to motivate henchstaff is with positive rewards. This is a big point of contention with my Supervillain colleagues, who prefer to terrorize their staff with random killings and karaoke contests. Instead, I offer my henchmen profit sharing opportunities. Then I kill them before giving them their share.
Almost always, the Superhero picks the Supervillain
who he wants to thwart. Generally, a Supervillain will be in the preliminary stages of his Evil Plot when the Superhero receives intelligence about it. The do-gooder will then attempt to foil the plot. Sadly, they are often succesful.
While it may appear that there are far more Supervillains than Superheroes, remember that not all Superheroes have their own television shows and comic books.
Once I was attempting to steal some gold by dressing up as a ghost and scaring the guys who guard the safe. But I was thwarted by these stoned teenagers and some smelly dog.
See above comment about self-esteem. When we’re not busy kidnapping beautiful princesses or our Superhero nemeses’ love interests, we enjoy Cinemax and the Playboy Channel.
Dear Confused,
Actually, Supervillains don’t build such systems. Instead, we just use our l33t h4x0r1ng sk1llz to break into the existing system run by The Trilateral Commission and the Freemasons which is watching you right now!
Believe it or not, there have been hallowed-out volcanoes for millions of years. Their existence has been kept secret by the same conspiracy in the scientific establishment that has supressed the cure for cancer and the 300mpg carburator. The trick is finding one that’s useful. I bought a nice one from the estate of a Supervillain who was impailed on his own giant moon-destroying laser. It’s got hardwood floors and big red “erupt” button.
Of course it’s better than just shooting them. We Supervillains are busy people. Now, to a rank amateur, it may seem that the most efficient method of killing a Superhero is to just shoot them in the head, but
- Some Superheroes are bulletproof, and
- You don’t get to make them suffer.
So instead, I prefer to concoct an elaborate killing device which will dispense with them slowly and painfully. But of course, I don’t have time to watch the whole thing happen.
They’re not as “pure” as you might think. They project an innocent extierior, but the kind of women who are attracted to Superheroes are downright insatiable nymphomaniacs. On the other hand, Supervillainesses tend to be cold and unreceptive.
My mentor and hero is Brak.
Because Dracula is all image and no substance.
I took lessons from Houdini.
Then I killed him.
Dear Evil Genius,
France or Italy?
First of all, don’t call me “Lord.” Only Brits and other obnoxious schmucks want to be called “Lord.” You can address me as Your Supreme Evilness, or Your Villainitude.
In order to become a Lackey, you’ll have to work your way up from Henchman. Most Evil Supervillain organizations recruit for management positions from within exclusively. Your degree will certainly help you, though I’d reccomend minoring in a liberal arts field like Russian Literature or Overacting to round out your training.
Before being recruited into a Supervillain’s organization, you will need some experience working for run-of-the-mill villains. In addition to government beaurocracy and Microsoft, you may also want to pursue opportunities in the health insurance industry, PBS, and telemarketing.
If you want to get good experience fast, work for the IRS. There’s nothing better. Not only do you get to harass people and steal from them, but it’s perfectly legal!
First I plan to get rid of 'N Sync, then the Backstreet Boys. I will use a combination of acid baths, slowly moving circular saws, dipping mechanisms, pendula, and slow-acting poisons.
Then, I will proceed with less significant world leaders like Charlton Heston and Dame Edna.
Finally, I will get the little people like George W. Bush and Gerhard Schroeder.
That’s like asking someone to choose between Audrey Tautou and Aida Jespica.
The answer, of course, is both!