I think this may be one of those things that I really will wish later that I hadn’t asked, but…
In an earlier post, I think on page three of this, jayjay mentioned something called “felching”. What is it?
Well, I would guess that it’s a very individual thing, and not something that can be generalized. Any? Probably yes.
-JOhn.
Okay, I did the search, I read the posts, but I can’t find anything to explain this. Sorry if its been asked before.
Despite the fact that I am female and straight, I have a hell of a lot of gay male friends. This is not just me tring to sound cool or open-minded, it is true.
Its not like I go out of my way to find gay men to be friends with, but almost all of my female friends have pointed out at one point or another that I know way more gay men than can possibly just be considered chance.
Don’t get me wrong… its not that I don’t value the releationships I have with my wonderful, caring, gay male friends. I am also very proud of the fact that one of them called me “The least homophobic person I have ever met”. I just wonder how this happened.
Is there some thing about certain non-gay people that makes them aquire a lot of gay friends?
I have two questions for the gay guy…
#1) Very nice cool friendly big burly hairy gay bartender I knew would get absolutely plowed after drinking and hit on me and my female roommate harder than any straight man. I always wondered why. Do you have any insight?
#2) Why is it in a text based forum, such as chat, you and other gay men get very sensitive and make sure to point out your orientation when I “hit” on you? (I hit on most everyone, I don’t believe in discriminating.)
Love ya 'sprix, in any way you’ll take that.
Esprix, is this thread dead?
I would be very sad to learn that I had showed up too late to bathe in the light of your words of wisdom!
Gay men always hit on straight women. It’s fun. 
We’re joking, too.
Well, watch out. Many times when gay guys and I started hitting on each other, we ended up in bed. :eek:
I have a question for the gay guy(s), (And actually, the SD lesbians as well) which Esprix tells me hasn’t been asked before…
What’s the deal with…
- Rampant homosexual infidelity, treated by many as acceptable and expected… and
- Rampant lesbian near-celibacy once established in a relationship, treated by many as acceptable and expected
I’ve observed both things over and over among the gays and lesbians I know, and I admit I am stumped. Well, I’m not really, since both situations kinda reflect certain stereotypes about male and female sexuality in general, but still I’m interested in getting the take of the Dope’s gay community on this.
??
stoid
I have often shook my head at this. Once establishing a monogamous relationship, I would not cheat. If I really felt the “need” to cheat, I would end the monogamous relationship first. My last boyfriend and I saw completely eye to eye on this issue. The sad thing is that we both would sometimes have conversations where-in other gay men would basically call us liars for maintaining that we would not cheat on each other. (This was particularly true after I moved out, but before we ended our monogamy.)
I think this is very disturbing, because I LIKE being in a monogamous relationship- I particularly like being able to dispense with condoms after both being tested together, after a suitable time period of monogamy. This really does underscore to me, thought that you really can only do this with someone that you literally trust with your life- as a lot of gay men don’t value a commitment as much as I.
Well, I’ll leave the commentary on 1 to the men - I do have some opinions, but I’m hardly a first-person expert. (“Because we can” seems to be at least one reason - most men are not designed for monogamy, and if neither partner needs or wants monogamy, well, it’s hardly a crucial component of a relationship.)
As for 2 - I do hear that this is common. However, among my (admittedly limited) lesbian friends, I know of only one LBD long-term relationship. That’s among all the lesbian couples I’ve ever known. But I sure do hear about the widespread LBD phenomenom a lot. So either it is blown out of proportion - in other words, something that is seen as a rampant even though it is not - or else it actually is common, and I’ve just always had weird friends. (Entirely possible, let me add.) I’d be interested in hearing from others on this - how many lesbian couples do you actually know are currently celibate? How many lesbian couples do you know that aren’t?
But if LBD does happen a lot, my best guesses about why are:
-
Lesbians may not value sex as much. What you value is what you continue to do for your entire life, despite work, despite kids, despite social life, despite everything - if sex is always at the bottom of your priority list, you won’t be having any. (Of course, this is the case right across the board and not specific to lesbians - I know of straight couples who have to schedule appointments with each other to have sex, and I know of straight and gay parents of young kids who are dreamily looking forward to having sex again, in some distant, diaperless future.) In other words, if lesbians are looking for something other than sex in their relationships, that is what they’ll find.
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Lesbians, as women, may both expect to take the passive, non-instigatory role in the sexual relationship after the honeymoon period has died down. Neither one instigating means nothing is going to be happening.
-
Lesbians may simply find a non-sexual relationship more satisfying than a heterosexual or a gay male couple would. I think bed death is one of the paths romantic relationships of any flavor can take - I know lots of straight marriages that are devoid of any sex or even sensuality, and I even know one gay male marriage where both partners are celibate and have been for years. But in most cases gay men would consider a loss of sexual interaction or sexual attraction a serious detriment, probably a terminal detriment, to the relationship. This is also true for some heterosexuals, particularly younger ones. Lesbians may be more willing to tolerate it.
-
Women may have less of a physiological imperative to have sex. I know this: if I go a while without having sex, my body starts to forget why sex is fun, and sex gets less important to me. Men don’t seem to do this. If that response is common to most women, well, it’s easy to see how a sexless relationship could come about between women. An unintentional dry spell could become a permanent condition.
Personally, I do not agree with the above attitude. I’m in an entirely monogamous relationship, and have been for 8.5 years. I don’t see that changing any time soon, nor do I feel the need to stray. (Although I do reserve the right to flirt unabashedly :D)
However, I can speculate why this seems so common in the gay male community. I think a lot of it comes from a certain amount of self-centered gratification seeking combined with a percieved lack of consequence. In the straight world, unfettered sex can often result in pregnancy. To a gay teen, the knowledge that sex will not lead to pregancy means there are no consequences. (Hopefully they learn about diseases and such before harm is done, but too often they do not.) So, if it feels good (and it sure does), and you won’t get pregnant doing it, of course you’re going to do it as often as you can.
Anyway, that’s my take on it. Others will feel, well, otherwise.
JOhn.
And indeed I do, dear housemate… er, landlord… er, friend.
Although I will go more into depth later (I’m hungry and wish to eat dinner now), I see it as more of a “sexual liberation.” Once you free the shackles of the gay/straight dychotomy by coming out, you realize there are a lot of silly gender, orientation and sexual roles that simply don’t apply to you anymore. It’s kind of like, “Hey, if I can be gay and be ok, what’s inherently wrong with being {insert other trait here}?” Personally, it’s something that I like about the gay community - we have freaks and businessmen and femmes and butch and androgony and monogamy and sluts, all bumping elbows on the dance floor. At least, that’s my explanation for men (and a little bit of myself); lesbians remain a mystery to me. :eek:
Esprix
Hm, sounds like I need to double the rent again…
JOhn.
I’d second Esprix. When you come out, pretty much everything gets thrown into question. I, for example, realized how stifling I find closed relationships. Moreover, even if my boyfriend and I agreed that it was OK to sleep around, I wouldn’t necessarily do so; I just hate the feeling of having the restriction. Frankly, I’d be more turned on than anything else hearing that he was having a good (safe) time 
I posted here before and got no reply, but still I hold out hope, and post again
Here’s my (much shorter, this time) question:
Can a bisexual ever be truly monogamous?
I realize that you are not bisexual, but thought you might know.
Yes.
What was your previous question? I’ll go back and look and answer it. Sorry 'bout that…
Esprix
Actually, this drives me NUTS and I’m a dyke. Hate the whole celibacy, one date=marriage thing. One thing that I’ve noticed is that it’s awfully tough to go through the dyke dating circuit. While gay guys tend to have the same happy-go-lucky spread-the-hormones attitude as teenage boys, women try to be “good” and “nice”. Even if you date a psycho, the dyke community expects you to stay friends with her forever.
It’s like the kiss of death to tell the woman you’re dating that, um, you’re not really interested in a long-term relationship. And all the slutty/sex-positive dykes are either babydykes or the same old broad who’s slept with all the lesbians in a 50-mile radius.
I’m 25 & all my buddies are already pairing off & moving to the burbs.
I am suddenly reminded of Romanovsky & Phillips’ “Once Upon A Time,” a song about the changes between him and his lesbian roommate:
The whole song is a gas.
Esprix
Esprix
Thanks for answering my second question! Here is my first question requoted. As you may be able to guess by the second question, there have been new developments since I asked this first question. Still, I would really appreciate your thoughts on this as it is the kind of thing that I feel cannot be easily brought up in person.
**
[/QUOTE]
Esprix hope you don’t mind if I handle this one.
Meyer of course there is. Straights that I am close friends with (women and men) usually have a good sense of humour, can take a lot of teasing, can dish out a lot of teasing and can be counted on to be there when the chips are down – they are loyal.
I also think it has to do with the great emphasis placed on friendship by lesbians and gay men. It may sound a little trite, but those of us who are essentially denied the right to establish “families” as the state defines them develop networks of friends that serve the same role. That was really driven home to me last year when I was out for dinner with a recently-divorced straight friend of mine. She wanted to vent a little about how her “ex” had treated her, and it took the form of her announcing that she was jealous of myself and the circle of gay men she knew. I remember her words exactly, she said: “I just wanted what you guys have, a family.” This was after we had gone through a discussion of “who isn’t talking to who”, but who had, nonetheless, gotten together get one of our number a nice birthday gift (a little hard to organize when some of the contributors weren’t talking to each other…) since then the “battle lines” of who isn’t talking to who have shifted several times, but on a deeper level, they still represent a core of loyal friends – we just get on each other’s nerves from time to time.
So, what are the things that make certain straight people acquire a lot of gay friends: humour, loyalty and the realization that friendship takes work, will have rough spots, but is worth fighting for. Partners come and go, it’s your friends that are always there.
Consider your large number of gay friends to be a compliment paid to you, and your ability to deal with being the object of a certain amount of good-natured teasing.
Hello all, I’m new here but I have a question. Where did this “Boi” thing come from? I just started noticing it all over the freaking place all of a sudden. Did I fall asleep at some point and miss the great unveiling of this term where it was revelaed what makes it different from “Boy”? It makes me feel all old and out of touch not knowing.
Help me! It is driving me crazy (well, crazier anyway) not knowing.
Sorry if this was addressed already but I’m not going to read a gazllion pages of people’s stupid questions…I want my stupid question out there too.