Ask the Gay Guy IV!

Great Debates
161

I know a lot of gay men. And I know very few who fit that stereotype. You see, the gay people who act in a stereotypical fashion are the ones that get noticed the most. Most gay people look just like straight people; in other words, they can look pretty much any way they want to.

The gay people in movies, TV, etc., conform to that stereotype because it’s easy to identify. “Hey, that guy just flounced into the room, and threw himself dramatically onto the sofa with a deep, heartfelt sigh, while the laugh track roared! He must be the gay neighbor!” TV and movies live on stereotypes.

You see, what you’re asking about isn’t gay people. It’s your perception of gay people. If you were more immersed in gay culture, you’d find that there are as many varieties of gay people as there are of any type of people. The only thing we have in common is our homosexuality, and the bond that comes of having that in common.

Personally, I’m a big, burly guy with a beard. I fix computers for a living, know my way around carpentry and home repairs, have no fashion sense, and have a standard middle-American speaking voice. I have two dogs, a German Shepherd and a pit bull, and my hobbies include juggling and gaming, both computer and role-playing, and sleeping with guys. Every gay person I’ve met has a unique perspective, a different life, and a set of personal experiences that has shaped the way they behave; just like people of every other sexual orientation.

And, like all stereotypes, there are people who fit them. It takes a lot of bravery to be an effeminate man in today’s society, to be the most visible component of such a controvery-ridden group. But don’t be mistaken; I’ve known some very effeminate men, including one hairdresser, who were happily married. Yes, to women. Effeminacy isn’t a sure sign of homosexuality in men, just as masculine behaviors aren’t a sure sign of homosexuality in women.

What I’m saying, K3v1n, is that you’re putting your faith in a stereotype. I think you’d find it enlightening to drop the stereotype, and look around you without pre-judging people. You might find there are more gay people around you than you thought, living lives as varied and diverse in nature as everyone else. We’re just people.

162

Fabulous people, of course. But otherwise, yes, just people. :smiley:

jayjay (sex-positive polyamorous heathen gay bear person)

(and fabulous, too)

:smiley:

163

Dear Gay Guy(s)/Girls,
I don’t think this has been brought up yet (forgive me if it has) but what do you think of this website? I have no idea what to make of it. I’m wondering if you think it’s even possible to choose to be gay, and if so, why only some people can do it; and why it would apparently be so much harder to “choose to be” straight.

164

Obviously, straight people have a problem recognizing sarcasm when they encounter it… which is probably the best possible explanation of the fashion industry.

165

Thanks, bagkitty. I never stopped to consider that. I saw it used to back up some homophobe’s point in a news article and just assumed… I dunno. Whatever.

[sub]pssst… i’m not straight :slight_smile:

166

Ok, matt_mcl, I double and triple checked this time. Still no answer. Are you going to?

167

I need some advice…

My bookclub (about half a dozen predominately straight women) is working on a “gay lesbian” book cycle. We read Dan Savage’s “The Kid” next is “Suits Me” the Billy Tipton biography. Any suggestions on a third book? We seem to be most tempted by “The Man Who Fell in Love with the Moon”

168

bagkitty, that site is not sarcastic. IMO it makes a lot of good points.

169

I think that website is only meant for colorblind people though.

170

Well, I don’t know what to think. First of all, I’d like to say that I kind of posted my last response without thinking it through. I feel stupid about it now, but I’m not sure bagkitty is right. If I’m allowed to speak from personal experience in GD, I honestly think my orientation has changed some over the past few years; not through any conscious effort, but it has. I don’t see why the idea of some people being able to change to some degree or other is so farfetched. Of course, even suggesting that gets you instantly labelled a homophobe in most cases.

171

Really? Most do? Hmm let me list off all the gay men I know, and we’ll see if they fit the criteria you listed:

  • Rob - no
  • Gabe - no
  • Doug - no
  • Jason - no
  • Troy - no
  • Chris - no
  • Ray - no
  • Frank - no
  • Scott - no
  • Carlo - no

While some of them have some femme traits, most of them you really couldn’t tell by meeting them. None fit the stereotype at all. While most of those guys like fashion, they arent so into it, but they do like it (most of those guys like GAP, Abercrombie and Fitch, and Structure clothes). They all dress like other guys. In fact, these days, i notice straight guys caring as much about how they look as gay men. We’re just people. It’s the visible parts of society that get noticed (trust me, no one knows until I tell them, and i’ve had most people tell me they didnt pick up any hints).

I couldnt say anything on this topic better than MrVisible said. Bravo, vis!

172

Keep your pants on. My roommate Hamish knows more about this issue than I do. I’m waiting for him to have some free time to devote to this.

173

**K3v1n wrote:

Why do most homosexual men act feminine (talking about fashion, makeup, doing hairstyling, etc.), when the very nature of being gay is to like the same sex.**

From Unzipped (July, 2001), in an article by Vincent Kovar on “69 Things Every Gay Man Should Know About Coming Out”

…number 17…

Some gay men express their sexuality by flamboyantly experimenting with feminine traits. It’s one example of flaunting labels that are imposed upon all men by a primarily straight society that is obsessed with observing traditional gender roles. However, this doesn’t mean you have to follow suit.

Does that answer your question?

The problem with your question is your assertion that most gay men do this. Can you prove that? Or are you assuming that any man who displays feminine traits (traits that you’ve not defined beyond “talking about fashion, makeup, doing hairstyling”) is automatically gay.

174

Not that this is your area of expertise, but can people switch back and forth?
I’m thinking of Anne Heche, who was straight, then gay, now getting married to a man.
Is she bi?
How many people are bisexual?
Are they mainly gay?
And WHY is pink for guys supposed to be such a “gay” color?

175

People can certainly switch back and forth between dating men and dating women. Whether or not their actual orientation changes is a trickier question.

Probably. She’s definately very confused.

If by bisexual you mean “not always exclusively attracted to only one sex”, then I’d say that most people are bisexual. Far fewer experience precisely equal attraction to both men and women. I think having at least some preference for one sex over the other is more common than not having one, although it’s hard to say whether this is natural or due to societal pressure to be “one way or the other”.

Do you mean do most bisexuals prefer members of the same sex to members of the opposite sex? I don’t know, but I would guess not. I think the majority of the world’s population probably falls into the “primarily heterosexual, but has experienced some same-sex attraction” camp, which would technically make them bisexual with a strong preference for members of the opposite sex. However, most people in this category would not self-identify as bisexual, especially if they had never acted on their same-sex attractions.

I think due to its association with femininity. It was also the color of the triangles the Nazis used to identify homosexual men.

176

Hi vengeance and dust . . . I found this board in my referrer logs and thought I’d help clarify, since I’m the owner of the site being discussed (http://www.queerbychoice.com). First of all, my site is not meant sarcastically. It’s meant seriously, to encourage people like you to realize that yes, you certainly ARE allowed to speak from personal experience, that everyone’s personal experience NEEDS to be spoken and heard and understood, that we shouldn’t let the big gay organizations go around promoting slogans that deny the true experiences that many of us have had, because the only way that any movement can really make the world better for everyone is if that movement acknowledges and reflects the whole variety of true experiences that all the different people in the world have had. No one should have to worry that simply talking about their own experience of queerness can get them labeled as a homophobe by closed-minded people who think that queerness is only allowable as some kind of “last resort” if people have no other choice. It’s scary enough for kids to come out without having to deal with a bunch of false preconceptions and people interrupting them all the time to tell them that they can’t possibly have experienced what they know they did experience, and how dare they say they had a choice, and all that. There is nothing wrong with choice. Choosing to be queer is a great choice! I’ve been queer for nine years, and no matter how many people harass me for it, I wouldn’t ever want to be straight again. My ideals are all queer ideals and if I were straight it would conflict with my ideals and I’d be a hypocrite. I’d much rather be harassed by others but know that I’m doing the right thing than get a lot of heterosexist privileges from others but feel like a hypocrite.

What news article? I’m only aware of one homophobic website so far that has referenced my site, but I need to keep track of any homophobes making use of it so I can respond and prevent my site’s meaning from being twisted to suit their foolish purposes. If they’re making unfair use of my site I can fight back in many ways, and if they’re making fair use of my site I still want to keep an eye on them and make sure my position toward them is clear. Please email me to let me know if you see my site being referenced in any homophobic context.

QueerByChoice

177

Sorry if I’m asking something that’s already been covered.

What do you think about the new Burger King[sup]TM[/sup] commercials? Are they FLAMIN’ or what?

178

Just what gay guys have you been hanging out with, anyway? Do you really know any? I’ve been gay for over 50 years and I seldom have noticed the situation you are talking about.

You are buying into a stereotype which just DOESN’T exist.

179

Urban1, I’m not sure what you mean by “a stereotype that doesn’t exist”. Do you mean that there’s no such stereotype? I mean, obviously there is, or he wouldn’t be talking about it. Or do you mean there are no such gay men? In that case I’d have to disagree with you, since I am a femme gay man and so are a lot of my friends.

180

I’ve been saying this for quite some time now. Thank you for reaffirming it, QBC. And welcome to the boards.