I’ve been watching you for a while now. I know what you have for breakfast, what color your bathroom towels are, and what your favorite underwear looks like. But it occurs to me that for all I know about you (and I must say, watching you masturbate to DVDs of The Thundercats is kinda creeping me out), you don’t know anything about me. So here’s your chance. Ask away.
And that mole on your left butt cheek? You probably need to get that thing checked out.
Did you notice the poison ivy under my window? I didn’t until about a hour ago.
Did you see where I left my keys? I can’t seem to find them anywhere. Also, who really got the last coke out of the fridge?
I don’t think I need to ask you anything: I’ve found out all I need to know from my security cameras.
Though I must say that watching you masturbate while you are watching me enjoying DVDs of The Thundercats creeps me out too.
Which Thundercat?
The answer to that question is obviously Cheetara.
Someone told me that my bushes are infested with bedbugs and spiders. Can you confirm that?
Luckily I’ve built up resistance to all forms of botanical poisons through my training in ninja school. The same training is what has allowed me to remain undetected for so long. It’s not as rare as you might think. In fact there’s seven more of us watching you right now.
Don’t put that in your mouth. You don’t know where it’s been.
You left the keys in the freezer. They were in your hand when you reached in there for that peperoni hot pocket and you dropped them. The soda was taken by a drunken Lindsey Lohan. You can’t let that chick anywhere near coke.
That was actually Bob, one of the other seven ninjas on your property currently. I’ll have a talk with him.
Snarf.
Seven ninjas? I thought I’d only counted five. But all those ninjas look the same to me.
By the way, you should should have a word with the two posted on my roof. They sleep on the job a lot, and I’m worried that they might fall off, into the swimming pool. Not that they wouldn’t be able to swim, of course, but I keep the sharks in there hungry.
Do you really think I can’t see you out there?
And it’s not a mole, it’s a cigarette burn. I fear for your eyes if you’re still there over the weekend.
How do you differentiate between ninjas without removing their scarves?
Also, how often do you order delivery, while stalking?
So you’re saying that my fully-grown Sword of Omens gave you sight beyond sight? 
While you’re back there, could you trim the bushy thing on your left… I’ve been meaning to cut the dead branches all year?
<unmistakable sound of a pump shotgun action cycling>
You got any last words?
Why won’t you return my calls???
Could you tell the kids in the other dorms to keep it down?
You’re hiding in my bushes and can see in my windows? Interesting, as I live on the 5th floor.
We have periscopes.
Do you mind watching the baby while the Mrs. and I step out for a movie?
Would you mind taking shooting some of the squirrels around the house? They keep eating our tomatoes.