Ask the guy who knows everything about everything.

I already know what you’re going to ask, but I wouldn’t want to ruin your fun. G’head, ask.

Who is going to win the NCAA national championship in men’s basketball this year?

What would the correct ignition timing be for a 1955 Chev Bel Air, with a 327 cubic inch engine and a four barrel carburator?

Well I guess now we all know who Cecil Adams is.

How high is up? Are we there yet?

If I tell you, will you split your winngs with me?

The 327 in³ didn’t come out until 1962.

What’s the square root of zero?

This week’s winning Euro Millions lottery numbers, please.

(You can PM them to me; I don’t want to share with thousands of riff raff.)

Technically, 3.16 km, but that’s our little secret.

Not quite. Almost.

What 1993 concept album am I thinking about at this very moment?


ivan, I can tell you, but on your way to buy your ticket, you run into the postman, causing him to drop his post everywhere. He will retrieve all but two pieces of post. The first is inconsequential, but the second contains a work authorization for the lottery randomizer to be used tonight. Repairs are being delayed until the technician receives the authorization. He will eventually get bored and just fix the damn thing, but only after the carpenter finishes his shoddy work of laying cheap floorboards in the room. While working on the machine, the technician inadvertently drops a screw which rolls between the floorboards into the electrical works. The screw shorts out the power on the entire block, causing a full alert by the police and fire authorities, pulling the policeman who was meant to be walking the beat in your neighborhood into that fray. You will be mugged of the money you meant to buy lottery tickets with, but no policeman will be found.

Better to just stay home. Glad I could save you the trouble.

Why is it that whenever I wear a white blouse, I slop my lunch on it?

Where’s Waldo?

What the hell is going on?

Would I be better off in Dallas, Houston, or Pittsburgh?

When will AT&T get around to installing UVerse in my neighborhood?


Who wrote the book of love?

If “Love” is the answer, what was the question?

Wait a minute, you’re not Curtis LeMay!

He’s actually PMed them to me like I asked.

HA! So long you suckers, I’ll be able to buy my own internets on Saturday morning and rule them with an iron fist…