Tired of finding honest answers to your deep questions? Have you read all of the “great debates” on religion, sports, politics, and science-fiction plot devices and find that binary position taking isn’t to your liking? Want someone to take a stance that you are guaranteed to not anticipate? Want something you can’t take seriously? Well, now is the time to:
“Ask the Sarcastic Guy”
Now I know what you are all thinking. “This guys not too sarcastic. I’ve seen him post lots of serious responses in General Questions, and they seem downright interesting. He’s been known to lose his temper once in a while, and spout off against bigots and trolls rarely, but quite interestingly.”
Still, have you ever seen me post my actual opinions on a topic. If you have, then I apologize. However this is your chance to get your genuine sarcastic response to any controversial topic. I guarantee that no question is off limits, and I will attempt to answer each question in as sarcastic a manner as possible. I also guarantee that any response I give will not be one that you expect. Why am I doing this? It is simple my friends: boredom. And I’ll tell you more. Great Debates was really cool when I joined over a year ago. Lots of interesting topics, unique points of view, new ideas to get the mind flowing. Lately, however, I have noticed that few fresh ideas pop up. It’s lots of rehashing the same old arguements, with lots of “I’m right because I believe I am.” type responses, and little actual debating going on. So I am here to finally inject new life into the same old debates by giving positions which I GUARANTEE have not been taken by anyone. I will defend these positions using as eloquent rhetoric as I can.
So what have you got to lose? Ask what a sarcastic, cynical, jaded guy has to think about any major world issue, and I guarantee you will here some fresh viewpoints. Or your money back. Void where prohibited.
There is a song with lyrics “If I were a carpenter and you were a lady, would you marry me anyway, would you have my baby?”, why did the guy express doubt that she might marry him? I mean the guy knows how to build stuff, can probably fix plumbing and most likely in pretty good shape from swinging that hammer all day.
If 500 monkeys typed continually for 500 years, would they really come up with the works of Shakespeare? Or would they only reproduce old teleplays of The Nanny?
Whoa, lots of thinking for me to do here. I’ll try one at a time:
I say they are the greatest benefit to humanity since aerosol cheez. I mean, what helps us more in society than self-confidence and open-mindedness displayed by these messages. Besides, what this world needs is less humilty and more self-aggrandizement. And what better way to get it than to let everyone know that your better than they are, because you are “honest” and “open” I say we need more of them. Besides, they allow us to keep everyone in their place. All the better to let us know where everyone is.
2)Absolutely not. Er. Maybe. Ok, I guess so. NO, NO, NO… I’m not. I have a genuine concern that people get to know the arogantly sarcastic out there. It seems to me there’s not enough understanding of the kind of pain us sarcastic people have to go through in the world. I am just doing my part to make the world more um… diversity… erm, rainbow… erm, multiculturalism… uh… that’s it.
Nothing is wrong with America that a little flag waving and singing of patriotic songs couldn’t fix!
Beer. Nothing beats the beer brewed by Anheuser Busch, incorporated. You know, there is nothing worse than beer that overpowers my tastebuds. I prefer a beer whose delicate flavor hues cleanse my palette, with gentile flavors I can keep with me for hours at the back of my throat. There’s nothing worse than drinking a beer that overpowers you with flavor, and then leaves nothing afterwards. With something like “Harp” or “Heiniken” I’d have to buy another beer to recapture that flavor. With Budweiser, I get that same smooth taste everytime I belch. How great can it get!
My guess is that she really hadn’t had a chance to savor true American style freedom, especially all the stuff that comes with it, like the flag waving, the patriotic songs, and the Budweiser.
Wanderer said:
My guess is that it’s just an example of what is wrong with the so called “Woman’s liberation movement.” You see, a few years ago, some woman decided that they didn’t have to be attached to a man to have social value. I’m highly suspicious myself, especially with these claims that woman should earn as much as men for performing the same work. Hell, when we men DO clean around the house, do the women allow us the privilage of getting them a beer? Do the women thoughtfully watch the television for hours on end to keep out of our way? No, which is why we don’t clean the house. And likewise, women should not expect to get the same treatment from us. Where is this going, you ask. Well, look at the song lyrics. It’s obviously some hippie love song (whose inspiration must have use of some awful halucinogen like “reefer”). We know these hippies were the whole cause of the whole “liberation movement” I mean, look at the song. Why wouldn’t a woman want a man who could fix stuff around the house. A carpenter seems like a damned fine thing for a woman to want. Of course, with her “modern sensibilities,” this chick obviously thought that SHE would be the one weilding the hammer and nails. Feh! He should dump this chick, and find a woman who knows how to make a good apple pie.
Mister X asked:
Only. No, I think they’d not only produce the scripts from The Nanny, but also a slew of other fine shows like “Full House,” “Gimme a Break,” and “My Two Dads” I’ve read that Shakespeare guy. Lots of flowery langauge, but he’s got no insight on the human condition like a show with a humerously non-average family situation. I mean, there is no literary form higher than the ones that make us all chuckle at the strange yet also familiar way in which non-standard families deal with everyday problems. I’m quite upset that full-house is no longer on the air. I quite wanted to see Jesse and Rebeccas kids grow into the cute stage that made Michelle the queen of primetime TV. Man, did those Olsen Twins have a hand on method acting or what? DeNiro had NOTHING on these two cuties, who I always felt made such huge sacrifices to play one character. I mean, can you imagine having to play only 1/2 of a character. Amazing if you ask me. 500 monkeys should be so lucky as to create a TGI Friday sitcom for ABC…
I was unaware that Jews and non-Jews tasted different. Must be the circumcision. And if you’re keeping it with you for hours at the back of your throat, all I can say is swallow, man, swallow.
I have spent many hours practicing Transcendental Meditation, sitting lotus-style, and contemplating my navel. And for what? What has my navel ever done for me? I try and try, but so far I give without getting anything in return. How can I convince my navel that if our relationship is to work, it has to contemplate me for a while? Relationships are supposed to be two way streets!
P.S. The whole flying thing isn’t working out yet either. Is this a symptom of my unresolved navel issues?
I have often spent long times contemplating my navel. I have never done it lotus-style (what’s that anyways. My wife prefers missionary, which is good cuz that’s what my pastor says God prefers. I’ve heard of doggie-style, but I dunno, I wouldn’t want to try it unless I was sure I wouldn’t cramp up over the five minutes of good sex. Yeah, I said a WHOLE FIVE MINUTES! Who’s the man!) however, these things have come to me while thinking about my navel:
Why isn’t it bigger. I mean, how cool would it be to have a navel 4 inches across. You could put your beer in it while lying on the couch watching TV. You could fill it with onion dip. Cleaning it would be much easier, since you could fit the vacuum in there. Plus, could you imagine Navel Sex. I mean, I could just about screw myself everytime I bent over to pick something up. I could do those stupid toe-touch exercises and actually enjoy it. Who needs women when you can have at your own navel. That would be the * ideal * relationship. You get sex, and your navel doesn’t complain. Just make sure to clean it out REAL well before filling it with more onion dip.
As to flying, what are you some kind of hippie reefer adict? Stay off the drugs, kid. The last thing we need is more people smoking dope around here. Why don’t you try get off the drugs and stick to safe, harmless, beer. And get a job while your at it. While you go around, having sex in exotic positions (and thinking about your navel? keep your mind on your work, son!) and trying to “fly” the rest of us are out working hard, slaving away to support you hippies. Get a job. And get a haircut, too!
As I read through these posts of brilliant cynicism and biting wit, the question that springs to mind is how I too can go about becoming a Sarcastic Guy. I mean, here you are, a guy who has posted so intelligently and interestingly in General Questions, and yet you are still so cleverly sarcastic in this thread. So there’s hope for me as well. So the question is, what steps can I take to become - if not on your exhalted level - at least an official Sarcastic Guy?
Well, you can be a sarcastic guy, but unfortunately, you can’t be The Sarcastic Guy… I beat you to it. Likewise, you can’t be The Aging Rock Star, The Closeted Bisexual Guy, or The Objectivist Libertarian Christian, even if you happen to be an aging, closeted, bisexual, libertarian, chistrian with a mean guitar lick who likes Ayn Rand literature. You see, the whole point of these kinds of threads is to pick some group you percieve that you “belong” to and that NO ONE else supposedly “understands.” After all, since I have taken on the job of informing the world how sarcastic guys think (and thus, done MY part for multiculturalism) you have to find your own underrepresented group to defend unprovoked. Why not start the “Ask The Party-Pooper” page or the “Ask the guy with no sense of humor page” or something like that. I don’t think those are taken yet.
Well, you can be a sarcastic guy, but unfortunately, you can’t be The Sarcastic Guy… I beat you to it. Likewise, you can’t be The Aging Rock Star, The Closeted Bisexual Guy, or The Objectivist Libertarian Christian, even if you happen to be an aging, closeted, bisexual, libertarian, chistrian with a mean guitar lick who likes Ayn Rand literature. You see, the whole point of these kinds of threads is to pick some group you percieve that you “belong” to and that NO ONE else supposedly “understands.” After all, since I have taken on the job of informing the world how sarcastic guys think (and thus, done MY part for multiculturalism) you have to find your own underrepresented group to defend unprovoked. Why not start the “Ask The Party-Pooper” page or the “Ask the guy with no sense of humor page” or something like that. I don’t think those are taken yet.
Well, you can be a sarcastic guy, but unfortunately, you can’t be The Sarcastic Guy… I beat you to it. Likewise, you can’t be The Aging Rock Star, The Closeted Bisexual Guy, or The Objectivist Libertarian Christian, even if you happen to be an aging, closeted, bisexual, libertarian, chistrian with a mean guitar lick who likes Ayn Rand literature. You see, the whole point of these kinds of threads is to pick some group you percieve that you “belong” to and that NO ONE else supposedly “understands.” After all, since I have taken on the job of informing the world how sarcastic guys think (and thus, done MY part for multiculturalism) you have to find your own underrepresented group to defend unprovoked. Why not start the “Ask The Party-Pooper” page or the “Ask the guy with no sense of humor page” or something like that. I don’t think those are taken yet.
“Why not start the “Ask The Party-Pooper” page or the “Ask the guy with no sense of humor page” or something like that. I don’t think those are taken yet”
Now why didn’t I think of that?
After a considerable time spent fruitlessly thinking of a suitable riposte, I must confess that you are indeed The Sarcastic Guy.
(Hey, would it help if I posted this three times?)