Ask "The Straight Eye for the Gay Guy"

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

Dear Happy:

I got doubts about you and eyeliner.

In fact, I think you’re making a serious mistake.

Namely, you shouldn’t sharpen your pencils so much that they create obvious lines. Roll the pencils between your fingers to soften the point and create a smoother look.

Okay, who am I kidding? I got no idea what a “metrosexual” is. From that link, they talked mostly about cologne. Is it about wearing scents, treating your skin nice, buying clothes in soft fabrics? If so, I point you to Straight Guy Rule Numer One:

Everything’s jake if it gets you chicks.

Pony tail on a guy? No problem, if it gets you chicks. Ear rings. No prob, if it gets you chicks. Tongue studs connected to pierced eyebrows with a jumper cable wired to a Diehard battery? N.P.I.I.G.Y.C. Joining a religious cult that practices ritual castration? No prob … uh, actually, there are exceptions to every rule.

Now take your modern bachelor who is heavily into skin-care products. On the polished marble countertop in his master bathroom suite, he has an array of products in bright, gleaming bottles – row on row of designer-name products and exclusive salon treatments. This is bound to impress many a woman.

Why?

Because it proves he has money to spend on all that shit.

And if it doesn’t work, he can probably console himself with a facial pack. I bet you can catch a real buzz from some of those chemicals.

Actually, I have sort of a history in this ritzy skin-care business. Take, for example, this one description:

We used to do something an awful lot like this in college.
We didn’t call it aromatherapy.
We called it hazing.

62

Dear Straight Eye,

My husband’s idea of cologne is *Alpine Fresh Speed Stick *.

His pits smell like one of those hanging evergreen car fresheners.

Is this normal?

Signed,

Stinky’s Wife

63

This should get his attention:
http://www.blue-period.fsnet.co.uk/graphics/glbible6/014.jpg
http://www.blue-period.fsnet.co.uk/graphics/glbible6/015.jpg
http://www.blue-period.fsnet.co.uk/graphics/glbible6/016.jpg

64

Outside of St. Patricks Day, I don’t come in too much contact with that.

65

Woah! Goth Japanese chicks, very cool.

66

And we’re home free.

67

Yes, another fine reason to study Japanese culture.

No panty shots, though.

68

Dear Stinky’s Wife:

Is it natural for his pits to smell like evergreen car fresheners?

No.

Smelling like beef-and-onion ragout left out three days in the sun – now that’s normal.

The armpit is Nature’s Petri Dish, and because we are made of meat (and meat byproducts) it’s normal for us to have a far more beefy smell. Without the aid of industrial-strength armpit products, your husband should smell more like a Steak BBQ Car Air Freshener. (The advert says “This one really smells like BBQ sauce! You’ll be drooling on the dashboard!” Heck, if I were stuck in an old Dodge Dart on a 90-degree day with a BBQ Sauce car freshener and no air conditioning, it wouldn’t be drool coming out of my mouth.)

So he has the fresh scent of pine? Count your blessings. He could smell like a Spongebob Squarepants air freshener, and imagine what that would do for your love life. And if he ever comes home smelling like this air freshener, it’s time for counseling. Loads of women would give anything to have a man who smelled like a half-way tolerable air freshener. So just get down on your knees and thank the good Lord above that he doesn’t have the aroma of a “You Smell Like Butt” freshener.

But getting back to this whole topic of smell. One thing that baffles straight guys is women’s insistence that we smell like flowers. Why flowers? We’re not plants. Couldn’t you wish for us to smell like another mammal, or at least something in the same phylum? Instead, you’ve jumped an entire kingdom! What’s the sense in that? We don’t expect aluminum to smell like wheat, or moose to smell like buttered popcorn. But guys got to smell like flowers. Is it some secret desire to have us put down roots and stay put? Yeah … that’s it.

Dogs have it made. My dog goes out, finds the absolute worst-smelling patch of ground he can find, and he gets down and rubs himself in it. And it works with the ladies (his kind). They like a male who smells strong. It’s one of the thing that we guys envy about dogs.
Well, that and their ability to lick their balls.
Though my pooch does have his anymore, which is one thing I don’t envy him.

The male odor is natural. And it has its biological purposes. Well, maybe except for this one old roommate of mine …

I tell you, once the lock on our door got jammed, and we were afraid to go out without being able to lock the place up. Then I had an idea: I took a pair of his socks and tied them to the doorknob. Man, no one came near our place. You should have seen the other tenants going down the hall, waving their arms like propellors and bumping into things. The raid by the Hazmat team was kind of a bummer, though.

69

I hate to be the one to do this (or do I?) but, that’s not a chick. :smiley:

70

Well then thank God there’s no panty shots.

71

Dear Straight Eye,
I would like to ask you about a sensitive subject, “Coming out of the Closset”. You see for many years now I realise I have been different from my fellow men. I have tried to fit in, I hid my liking for the opposite sex from them, but I was living a lie. I never could find it within me to be attracted to the Games Master as was expected of us. I learnt to pretend to be camp but it didn’t allways work.
I moved to California to see if thet could cure me of my hetrosexuality, but even here I find myself thinking only about girls and cars and sport. I want to come out and embrace my love for women openly. I am concerned that several of my current friends seem to be openly hetrophobic, I believe they are really closet hetros who only need an excuse to come out of the closet themselves.

ps. if you find this offensive, then sorry, it is not meant to be, I appologise profusely.

72

Dear Straight:

I love that one too… in fact, I was just telling my buddies the other day that Buzkashi as it is played today, reflects the boldness and fierce competitive spirit of the Afghan people. The great equestion tradition, of which Buzkashi developed, goes back as far as the time of Alexander the Genghis Khan. Actually, the Mongol horsemen were adapt at advancing swifty on enemy camp sites and, without dismounting, swooping up sheep, goats, and other pillage at full gallop. In retaliation, the inhabitants of northern Afghanistan established a mounted defence agaist these raids and this practice might be the direct forebearer of today’s Buzkashi, which demands the highest degree of horsemenship, courage and Physical strength from its participants.

The chapandaz (rider) is onlyhalf of the game. As it has for centuries, northern Afghanistan breeds horses of exceptional endurance and speed, ingredients crucial to Buzkashi. Buzkashi is traditionally played during the winter and early spring. In Kabul it is played in late October when some of the finest teamsfrom the northern provinces compete before thousands of spectators in Ghazni Stadium. National Cup Championship games are played in most of the centers of the northern provinces. At Nawrooz (Afghan New Year) a 10 days Buzkashi festival is held in Kunduz.

No doubt you’ll agree.
It’s nice to talk to someone who can talk sports.

By the way, if you want a sport that’ll really test you and your dog, there’s nothing like skijoring, right?

73

I delivered pizza to you a couple of weeks ago right?

74

Krisfer, darlin’. Zat you? How come you didn’t come up and join the line dance up on the roof?

75

Umm … ahhh … yes, Buzkashi, great sport. Great sport, Buzkashi is. I could talk all day about Buzkashi except … uh … I have to go practice … uh … welly tossing. Yes, that’s it. Get my proper form for welly tossing.

76

Apologize? Apologize? What is this apology stuff? If you want to be a straight guy you have to realize we are resolute! Decisive! We never, ever, ever apologize.

Well, maybe once or twice to our girlfriends. But only when it’s really necessary.

Except, it does seem to be necessary an awful lot. They just get to talking, and they talk so fast, and so much, and the words get all confusing, and they convince us we’re wrong for calling Tuesday Tuesday. Somehow …

Okay, let’s admit it. Straight guys spend half our lives apologizing to wives and girlfriends. But only half, damnit! Have to draw the line somewhere.

So are you really sure you want to try this gig? You might count your blessings.

But getting back to your question: Yes, this is an area of some controversy. One major development in this field was the research of Alfred Kinkey, founder of the Kinkey Institute for Research Into Everybody Getting Nekkid At My Place. Dr. Kinkey conducted a survey that indicated that one out of every ten people in the Castro District was heterosexual.

You can imagine the outrage this caused.

In the years since this landmark study, many critics have questioned Dr. Kinkey’s methodology. For instance, one of the survey questions designed to discover latent heterosexual men was “Have you ever worn the same shirt three days in a row?” Nevertheless, his research proved the existence of an undeniable subculture of supposedly “normal” men who harbored secret desires to own a circular saw, go bass fishing, and watch NASCAR. As these people have organized and made their voices heard, society is beginning to recognize the right of these men to be married to their Mustang Cobras, home-theater systems and Tomb Raider.

The stigma is disappearing. It is reported that in Hollywood today, there a number of young, good-looking male stars who have at least experimented with heterosexual sex. In a new era of freedom and tolerance, perhaps someday they will no longer fear being outed.

77

Straight:

I hope your teeth don’t get tired, I’ve heard people sometimes can’t chew for months. Good luck.

78

Dear Straight,

Last weekend I stupidly passed on a cab ride with two drunk strippers. What I want to know what is a good bridge to jump off of?

Signed
Moron in the City

79

Dear MonkeyMule

Your concern for their safety is quite impressive. After all, lots of things can happen to people who are traveling while under the influence.

But don’t worry. I made sure they got back to my place safely.

You know the one with the split tongue? And the way she used it? All I can say is … wowwww.

80

What the hell is a “hetro”? Is that the Southern-drawl pronunciation of hetero, like how a native Alabaman will pronounce battery as “batry”? Or is it a chic combination of “hetero” and “retro,” an abbreviation for “hetroactive” as it were?