Dear Straight eye…
What is the straight eye on beard? I’ve tried a few and finally found one that is jake (gets me chicks, or at least one) and it is indeed a supercool Lemmy (motorhead) or Hetfield (Metallica) style oriental with long vertical dropbars.
The drawback is that it is high-maintainance, I originally went into beard for low-maintenance reasons; I usully have a trird day stubble which brings out my cool outlaw image and I only have to trim it 1-2x a week, but with the more cool and jake-ing thicker I need to see to it almost every day.
What should I do?
Cheers
Pez
Dear Pez:
Seems to me that a fellow named Pez would have a real easy time with beards. If you don’t like the current one, just change your head.
As for beards, I like to remember what Shakespeare said about them: “He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man.” And that Shakespeare, he knew lots of stuff.
The good news it, you’re on the right track, Pez. You’ve understand the principle that everything’s jake if it gets you chicks. Sure, your type of beard might be high maintenance, but just ask yourself, “would I rather being doing this or ab crunches?” You should be okay as long as you remember the Number One rule when it comes to beards: A guy should never, ever like his beard more than chicks do. Guys like that are the ones who grow four-foot mustaches or beards that are mistaken for vests.
Now I know what some of you are thinking: Hey, those two guys from ZZ Top have long beards, and they get all the groupies they want. If that’s your way of thinking, then try a simple experiment. See if you get more chicks with the beard and without the Lamborghini, or with the Lamborghini and without the beard.
I think the question answers itself.
Speaking of those guys who are way too fond of their beards, there is this guy. Each time he shaves his beard, he keeps it in a plastic bag. Now, everyone needs a hobby, but collecting things that look like DNA samples should not be one of them.
I can only imagine what happens when this guy gets a new girlfriend who snoops through his dresser and find … this. What goes through her head at that moment? Does she wonder if she is staring at a souvenir from a former girlfriend? Face it, you could put a manly-size hole in the middle of that bag and sell it as a “marital aid.”
Which brings us to goatees. (And if you understand that transition, you know what I think of goatees.)
Let’s be brutally frank here. Men, especially young men, grow goatees because they aren’t able to raise a full beard. The facial hair gets thickest first around the mustache and chin, and sometimes what’s on the side is peach fuzz. A goatee is to a beard what a training bra is to titties: It’s an admission that you want the full set, but can’t develop it yet.
A goatee was the center of one of the most effective and vicious cock-blockings I ever witnessed. There was a young man – let’s call him Stanley – who was a regular at the Cypress Lounge. One night we noticed that we hadn’t seen him in about a month. He was trying to grow a beard and didn’t want to show his face, literally, until he was sure of the results. Turns out he could only raise a goatee, so he spent the month carefully nurturing it – letting it grow, trimming the sides, shampooing it, and for all I know, using cream rinses on it and talking to it the way some people do with their plants. When he was confident he had the sharpest, most impressive goatee anyone had ever seen, he swaggered into the Cypress Lounge and said, “How do I look?” apparently expecting the ladies to swoon. Instead, one of the guys said to him, “Hey, my girlfriend has one of those, but hers doesn’t talk.”
The guy has been clean-shaven ever since. At least from what we hear, as he won’t come back to the Cypress Lounge anymore.
Now you’re probably wonder if old Andy here is himself capable of raising a manly beard. Yes, indeed I am, and I have. I looked through the pages of history and thought that a beard would lend me the dignity of the ancient Greeks, the gravitas of worldly men, and the dashing aura of adventurers. So I wore a beard for several years, up until I realized that it was giving me all the sartorial splendor of Ulysses S. Grant.
That and one other thing lead to my shaving the beard. I was having lunch on campus with a cute chick, and I was thinking I was making quite an impression. As we finished lunch, I picked an apple from my pack and started munching on it. I believe that I had let the mustache get a bit too long at that time. Just as I was finishing up an amusing observation, I took a big bite from the apple and somehow a strand from the mustache got between my teeth and the apple. Biting down yanked out a great tuft of them in one clean rip. But the worst part was that several hairs were driven deep into the gaps between my teeth and held there, making my upper lip feel like it had just been hooked by a fisherman intent on reeling it in. And they stayed there until, one by one, I could insert a finger between lip and tooth and yank each individual hair out, causing a great burst of pain.
As for the chick, well, she was so shallow that she thought the millionaire lawyer she married was a better catch than me.
Dear Fellow Straight Guy;
I’m a straight guy with a bit of a dilemma. I’m cursed with curly hair. That’s right, cursed. It grows long and gets looking all sloppy. I hate that look. Exactly what are the options available to us in this area? Ideally it should be wash ‘n’ wear. I’ve considered having it cut real short, but there’s been some pretty cold weather around here lately.
Another consideration - is it even that important when it comes to attracting the ladies? Do they generally prefer curly hair or not?
BTW - I know what you mean about Grant - look at my location. 
Dear cityboy916:
A man’s comb is his hassle.
There was a time when men could be manly men and not have to worry about hair products. The rinses, the conditioners, the gels, the hot-combs, the vitamin B5 infusers, the after-bath treatment for tanning-salon-damaged hair with the sassy scent of jasmine. Feh. Things change. I blame the Republicans. I’m not sure why I blame the Republicans, but I’ve been reading MoveOn.Org a lot, so it seems right.
You have curly hair, but you have enough of it, right? There are poor starving bald kids in China who would love to look like Justin Guarini. Be an optimist and ask yourself, “Is the head half empty or half full.” The bright side is that, with curly hair, you’ll never be able to grow a mullet. See? Everybody wins.
In my last post, I noted that a guy should never like something – such as a beard – more than chicks do. But you can always decide whether to grow or shave a beard. Some things you can’t change. And for anything you can’t change, just keep in mind three simple words:
Chicks dig it.
You’re as tall and wide as a Mini-Cooper? Chicks dig it.
You have a nose that touces the bottom of a Big Gulp cup when you drain it? Chicks dig it.
You have a tattoo of Dennis Kucinich on your left buttock? Chicks dig it.
Come to think of it, though, you can do something about that tattoo of Dennis Kucinich on your left buttock, with laser surgery. So I advise you to get it removed. What were you thinking, cityboy916? And never get that drunk again.
Me, I have the opposite problem from you. I have Xtreme White Guy Hair. Meaning it’s very straight. Also, the individual hairs themselves are so thin that their thickness is not measured in microns, but in atoms. Once, long ago, I got tired of having hair like crepe paper and decided to get a Glorious, Big-Ass White Guy Afro. This lead to one of the severest tests of my manhood I ever endured. I had to sit under a hair dryer. You know, the big, space-helmet kind. Next to a blue-haired lady reading Redbook. But I survived.
And I was proud of my Glorious, Big-Ass White Guy Afro. Until, that is, it started to grow out. Straight roots, and curly sides. I told myself “chicks dig it” – right up to the time my friends started singing boop boop clown music every time I entered the room. I did not look like Bozo. His hair is straight on the sides.
So I had to cut it off. Real short. But the thing about real short hair is – chicks dig it.
Dear Straight Guy:
I’m a totally out Gay guy living near San Francisco (of course!) and have been having real problems with the Gay guys in SF telling me I must be straight cuz I don’t live in the Castro…
I used to live in the Castro, but ended up in Straightsville after I married my husband… My friends were cool with that, but moving out of the city has made them actually question my sexuality…
We’ve got a 4x8 Rainbow flag flying over our house and everything, but they keep making fun of us… What should we do? What would a ** straight ** guy do? What would a straight guy who knows a Gay guy ** is ** a Gay guy do?
Dear Survivor:
What is the world coming to when a man can’t live with his husband outside the Castro without having his sexuality called into question?
You ask, What would a straight guy who knows a Gay guy ** is ** a Gay guy do? A typical straight guy would tell them to stick it up their you-know. Then realize the Freudian aspects of the insult, die of embarassment, and skulk away.
As for your situation, the next time they try this, just tell them that Straightsville is the new Castro.
I have no idea what this means, but snappy answers tend to shut people up.
Or better yet, you could tell them that you and your husband are, indeed, straight.
They will then start muttering that it’s obvious you must really be secretly gay.
Problem solved.
Trade him in for MY husband. He never passes an opportunity to fart like a beer salesman in a broccoli patch. He wears camo and plaid together and military style boots, winter and summer. He hasn’t shaved since 1967 and currently holds the world record for using the word “fuck” the most times in one sentence. I keep telling him he could get a job deprogramming urban guys who have succumbed to the pressures of QEFTSG, “Big” from Sex and the City, and assorted other candy-ass influences. For an emergency intervention, he can be reached at 1-800-PASS-GAS.