I could ask for a vacation this year…
I have recently begun working with B, who is a fairly well-respected figure in my field. Before working with him, I was unaware that B was affiliated with C, who is one of my field’s real luminaries - a genius in the wild, as it were, and somebody whom absolutely everybody who’s anybody knows. So, obviously, I’m real excited about this, not only because I love C’s work and would love to pick at that great, luscious brain, but also because this is a very good career connection for me to make.
Anyway, B’s a pretty important person as well, and so I felt obliged to entertain him over cocktails - as we do in this wild country of ours. While we were drinking, we got to discussing (after many other subjects) Person C. At this time, B let slip that C is a transwoman. Some weeks later, I was chatting with one of B’s other confoederati - let’s call him D - and D mentioned this as well, both times without me prompting. (I have a general ‘no questions’ policy.)
At some point, C and I are probably going to end up sitting at the same dinner-table. I have no interest whatsoever in revealing that B and D outed her or in otherwise playing guessing-games, but if both these people know (and, to my knowledge, C and D are very casual acquaintances), then I feel obliged to have a good response ready if C decides to tell me on her own initiative.
My usual response for when people tell me, ‘I am X,’ where X is some kind of unusual and/or controversial situation, is to shrug my shoulders and say, ‘a lot of people are.’ On the one hand, I understand that revealing this part of herself involves a certain level of personal trust, and - considering how far in general status C is above me - it is a trust that heartens me. On the other hand, though, I genuinely don’t care. Well, that sounds harsh, but I mean, this does not affect my personal regard for her one way or the other. I am looking at C with eyes filled both with professional and artistic awe, and dollar signs.
Obviously, everybody is different, and I am well-aware that this is more dependent on C’s personal characteristics than her situation in this regard. but if you were in such a position, how would you receive that kind of nonchalance?
On an unrelated and more personal note: when you changed your name during your transition, what was the relationship between your new name and your old one? Was it a John/Joanna thing, where you just took the feminine equivalent, or did you pick an entirely new one? How did you choose? (Please don’t feel obligated to reveal your name in answering this question.)
It’s going to seem like I’m bumping this thread a lot. But something happened today which I wanted to post about. Because you out there, anyone who had read what I’ve written and cares and wants to understand how bad this can really be for someone like me, needs to see this. In many ways I’ve had a charmed life. Almost all of us do not.
I’m going to speak in generalities, because I don’t want to name names. And this is going to read a bit melodramatic. Because it is, in a sad way?
Today a transgender woman who was about to start hormone therapy, and thus become a transsexual woman, had a complete and total freakout. I do not know her very well on a personal level, but she had been talking to me off and on for a couple of months as she had been referred to me for counseling and advice.
I was hearing all the right things from her about being ready. She had been working with a therapist for nearly 8 weeks, and had been approved for hormones starting last week. So she was scheduled with a physician for a physical and to go over bloodwork, and had been told that after the doctor spoke to her about side effects etc. she would be given a prescription.
Unfortunately, last week there was a snowstorm which shut her doctor’s office. So had to wait through the weekend, for her new appointment on Monday (today). Over the weekend, her state started to slip. She started to ask questions about whether she should be doing this, due to her age. Shouldn’t she just accept that she will never pass, everyone will hate her. Her family has already told her that they will not accept her - her own children have said they will disown her if she does this. Her employer has said that because she is customer-facing, she will no longer have a job. She wondered, as a divorced transwoman, if she would even find another person to love her.
She declined very rapidly through the weekend, and perhaps 2 dozen of us called her, texted, posted messages of support. We told her it was OK to take a rest. She was on HER timetable, not anyone else’s. We urged her to call her therapist. Those who lived close to her offered to come see her, but in truth the roads were miserable, and she lives in the country outside a one-storey town with no snowplows.
This morning, her physician told her that due to the cold and snow there would be no appointment today, maybe later this week. She had a complete breakdown today. Just before lunch, I received the following message (edited to remove personal information).
I texted for a few sentences, trying to cheer her up and give her hope. Then I received this:
I tried to convince her that the snow didn’t give a crap about her starting hormones, and God didn’t decide to dump several million pounds of snow over a state just to keep her from hormones. Then this:
And then she dropped out of sight.
I hit the network of t-girls and found the two closest to her and told them to do anything in their power to save her. The epilogue is that she did not try to kill herself, she drank herself into unconsciousness and fell asleep on her kitchen floor.
But 3 times in the last 3 months, the person on the other end did kill themselves.
Take one - you have my permission - if any one questions you on it, refer them to the post above.
On the other note - my thoughts are with you and your friend - I hope she comes thru this - I am glad that with the company I work for, this would not be an issue, as for family, I wrote mine off a long time ago, if they don’t like me for who I am, its their loss - while I know its apples and oranges for your friend, just let her know that she is strong enough and that she can get to be the person she wants to be - fight for it.
Society sucks - so fuck’m.
Wow, that it difficult, especially as I’m having a little trouble understanding the dynamic here.
While we would like it to be received with no more hoopla than the phrase “I’m a Methodist”, if a transperson tells you flat-out, they probably expect some reaction.
Um…probably the best general response which is relatively neutral is “oh, that’s cool.” Do NOT say “whatever makes you happy”, just trust me on this. If you want to flatter, say (and I can tell you it is the truth) “wow, I cannot imagine what sort of strength and courage it took to do that.” Do not ask about surgery, hormones, or body parts, or “was it hard to walk in heels.” While I don’t mind answering those questions in the context of the SDMB - really, I welcome them - you wouldn’t ask a cisgender woman that.
I would try to politely move away from the subject as soon as its expedient to.
I chose my first and middle names from the two primary ethnicities of my family. Sort of, well, an homage to my genetics. One of my names was used by several women on one side of my family, back 5 or 6 generations. Both had special meaning for me.
It’s a very difficult thing to choose a new name - to choose YOUR name - which will be yours and yours alone, to eventually be on your tombstone. It’s sort of like re-inventing yourself. And then I had more than 120 places I had to change it…in several countries. It was almost the hardest thing I had to do. :smack:
All of the “rules of thumb” say you should never choose a feminine version of your name (Bob to Bobbie, Mel to Melanie, John to Joan, etc.) They also say you should choose a standard spelling - do not choose “Sharinne (Sharon)”, “Suxan (Susan),” or “Jehsikkah (Jessica)”. Don’t choose a name which is out of date - like “Felicity Thistlebottom” or “Boudicca Thessalina.” And you should not try to invent a name or use one from fantasy - no “Morgaine Bloodwench” or “Moreta Dragonrider.”
In truth, I’ve seen worse examples IRL than the above, I just don’t want to use any real names of transwomen I know.
The professional transwomen I know who are “full-time” all chose common names - Mary, Teresa, Anne, Susan, Cathy. We try our best to blend in. Submerge. Not stand out.
Survive via camouflage.
Una - I do hope my last couple of posts have come off as supportive in the manner I intended - everyone deserves to be respected for who they are and I will be glad when our society on whole catches up to where they should be - I admire you and the steps you’ve taken for yourself and others.
‘Suvive via camouflage’ - you should never have to hide who you are - society should simply not be looking to find reasons to discriminate or belittle others - and at the same time - your camouflage should just be the simple fact that you are accepted for who you are - your uniqueness should stand out and at the same time should not be ‘looked at’ (does that make sense?)
How did you handle your gender transition with your resume/CV? Did you have any publications?
Well, Una, I never knew your “secret.” I’d heard hints but I’m not as slow on the uptake as I am indifferent to niggling details. To wit: It took me several years of occasional wondering what came of my daughter’s old girlfriend, whom I never met, before it was explained to me that she was living with him. Which explained why my daughter and her “ex” still had a joint bank account. Oops.
Thank you, yes I’ve read them as supportive. 
Well, there’s the ideal and the reality. I’ve always been pragmatic to a fault.
Oh God yes. There was never an option for me to go “deep stealth”, despite my looks, because I had a 2-decade resume of papers, presentations, even 7 books under my boy name. The only way I could have gone deep stealth would be to start over, put on a hair net and drop those French fries…
About once a week someone e-mails me or phones me to ask something like “hey, does (boy name) still work there? I wanted to ask him about his paper on African shale gas resources…” and I sigh, get comfy in my chair, grab my coffee, and give them the news. Thus far, 100% of the time I have received a positive response.
Funny thing, right after I changed my name I was called on the carpet for a random “professional audit”, as well as an ABET audit. In each case ALL of my supporting documentation was under my boy name and “Mr.”, and no one had any problem at all with it. They asked if I was my own wife, I told them I was an intersex transwoman, and they said "oh, ok, no problem, we’ll update the records…are you ‘Miss’, ‘Mrs.’, or ‘Ms?’ "
I think I missed something though?
Una, nice to meet you here and I’ll echo what others have said here, “Amazing thread!” A lot of what you have written here gives me better understanding of the lifestyle and hard experiences you’ve been though.
I’m lucky enough to have met a number of transsexual women here in Japan and call many of them very good friends. In fact, I’ll be meeting a long time friend tonight for dinner. Despite being in Tokyo, most of my friends are Filipina or Thai that work in the entertainment industry here.
I have a question, many ladies tend to call themselves “TG”, “Newhalf” or “Ladyboys.” Do you find those terms offensive?
Thanks again for the very informative thread.
I gathered that dropzone’s daughter’s ex-girlfriend transitioned FTM and remained with the daughter, all while **dropzone **was unaware of the particulars.
Hi Una,
I just wanted to say a couple of things:
1, Congratulations on blossoming into the beautiful woman that you are.
2, Thank you for your thread it has been informative, but most of all inspiring, I am a cis woman, so your circumstances don’t relate to my life but your strength and kindness resonates. I returned to university today for the first time in over a decade and was very anxious, I thought of you and your story this morning as i was driving to uni and it helped me to face my own fears. Thank - you
3, I think your voice sounds completely female, i listened a couple of times and what stood out to me was not how feminine you sound, but how kind you sound. You sound like the kind of lady I would like to have as a friend / mentor / adopted aunty.
When my daughter first transitioned, she put up a wall between before and after, and never wanted to talk about her earlier life. This was hard–it was our life too! After awhile, she became more comfortable about herself and now talks about her childhood again. We never refer to “when she was a boy” because she was never a boy. We use her name and female pronouns when talking about what she did as a baby or toddler, because that’s how we now think about her. It took some time to get there.
I do sometimes miss the “boy version” of my child. But I find other people to talk to about it if I need to.
So sorry about the woman you just mentioned, Una. Such pain.
I will endeavor to answer several questions or comments in one.
I will mention as a living example that this morning I thought I looked great. It’s cold here so I was wearing a Pendleton wool skirt suit with riding boots and some understate gold and jet jewelry. I had looked in the mirror this morning quickly, and the immediate words which popped into my head were “pretty schoolteacher.” I went into the cafeteria this morning and was complimented by several other women on my outfit. My secretary said “wow, awesome sauce!”
And then I was walking to the elevators and ran into a co-worker, one who had spent a lot of time with me, including an overseas trip, with me as a girl. And he instinctively said “Good morning s[sub]ir[/sub],” trailing off quickly at the end as he knew what he did. And while I try to be upbeat and blow these things off, for some morning it instantly deflated me, and I gave him a withering glare. He muttered a quiet “sorry” and turned and walked away.
I wanted to laugh it off and say “Hans, never mind” but I couldn’t. My mood is sorta crushed this morning.
The first thing I will preface is acceptable terminology and lexicon changes from country to country. So I am treading on uncertain ground with respect to Japan, and I might advise you find the website of a Japanese trans advocacy group or groups to try to get better guidance. TG is definitely not offensive in the United States, in fact it is quite commonly used. For me it’s a term which is technically accurate but not my preferred term, but overall it’s difficult to go wrong with it here. “Newhalf” is one I never heard of in my life. “Ladyboy” is a mixed term - in the US it’s mildly to moderately offensive, outside the US it can be perfectly acceptable to use.
One thing I wish to caution on, which is going to make me sound like a nitpicky bitch…try to avoid the term “lifestyle” for LGBT persons, as it implies it’s a conscious choice to be what we are, like choosing to be goth or Methodist.
I do thank you for your compliments!
Ah. Thank you.
Thank you, I’m really happy to see you write that somehow my crazy life story made you feel better.
Excellent observations, and I’m glad you can share them here.
Forgive me for I tend to be an incurable optimist, and I understand why this was painful, but when I place myself in your co-worker’s shoes I see some guy who is going about your day, sees you, greets you and makes a mistake.
A mistake based on the idea that your transition does not run to the forefront of his brain. He doesn’t look at you and immediately go into “There’s that Una” mode. He was doing his thing, probably musing about lunch or something trivial, and slipped up.
In that perspective it’s delightful that your change is not an overriding consideration for him. Should he have been more aware? Yes. But in the realm of human nature I see the mistake as a positive sign, ultimately.
If it is your goal to be accepted as a human being among human beings then not being the brightest spot on everyone’s radar is a good sign. Everyone is too busy with their own lives to worry about yours, if you are doing it right.
I could certainly be wrong but that was my first instinctive take.
Well, I think it gets back to having to prove yourself over and over.
As I’ve mentioned, I’m a bit low-voiced for a cisgirl. I sometimes get a “sir” over the phone. Particularly in winter clothing, I have occasionally been mistaken for a small man. For me it is no big, actually amusing at times, and about half the time I think it’s the men who are more upset about it than me.
This is vastly different from Una’s circumstance.
Why? I have never had to PROVE I’m a woman. It’s unquestioned. Transwomen are in the unfortunate position of not only having to prove they are women over and over and over, there are some people out there for whom nothing will constitute proof. Thus, what causes me no pain whatsoever causes a great deal of pain to them. It’s a reminder of a lifetime of struggle. It’s a reminder of when they’ve been attacked (sometimes literally) for “tricking” other people. It’s a reminder of all the times people have deliberately used their condition to hurt them.
And that’s why an accidental “sir” hurts Una so much. And clearly, those of us who are cisgender and kind and screw up feel very, very badly about being merely human and sometimes screwing up these things - Una’s co-worker swallowing the second half of that one-syllable word indicates that he was trying mightily to time-travel back to before he opened his mouth to say that word.
That’s yet another reason why the prejudice against transpeople is so goddamn unfair - a simple mistake, made without malice, can cause such pain and drive a wedge between transgender people and cisgender people who want to be respectful but make all too human blunders.
Of course, if I’m wrong on this I’m sure someone will correct me - they always do. 
Broomstick captured the essence very well, thank you Broomie!
Una, thank you for this thread. It has been insightful, to say the least. I also want to say thank you. Many moons ago, but after your transition, you participated in a thread and talked quite a bit about your life. I had literally just been reading it when, BAM…
I had been working all day, grocery shopping after work with my toddler, come home to an empty house with shit all over the counter tops (and no where to place the groceries, or the dogs would eat them by the time I got them all in the house), do I bring in the groceries, leave the kid in the car seat, get the kid, leave him in the house while I get groceries… AHHHH!
I see my neighbor, Con, milling about on his bike. Goddammit, he’s gonna want to talk to me. I have no time to talk to him. Yes he’s coming over… is he wearing lipstick?
Con comes over to tell me that there will be some changes at his house. He is transitioning from male to female. I give you, Una, all the credit for what happened next. I hugged her, asked her what she would like me to call her, and told her just how impressed I was with her strength and courage. We talked for 45 minutes.
I could not have done this, or even reacted moderately well, without knowing you and your story here.
Connie and I talk now whenever we pass on the way to and from work. She is doing great, and looking great, but is dealing with the many family struggles which are common (she has three boys, 12, 16, and 20). I have offered her legal help if she has any issues at work, but so far, so good.
I realize this post smacks of sneak bragging, but really I do thank you for fighting my ignorance. You are a beautiful person, and woman (jealous). I am also going to print out this thread for my husband… who still insists on calling Connie by her old name in private (which is still rude to me). Maybe a little Una will make him see the light as well. 
This thread is superbly informative, enlightening, moving and a fascinating read. Thank you for starting it, for us, for yourself and for all who face the challenge of being who they are. Never mind this Board (to which your contributions are of the highest caliber), Una, you make this World better by being in it.
I used to live in Japan, and I think “newhalf” is specific to Japan. It is a slang term derived from the use of “half” (the English word) to refer to half-Japanese biracial people. “Newhalf” thus suggests someone who is half man and half woman, and seems to be used as an umbrella term for not only transsexuals but also drag queens and even femmy gay guys. I’m not sure if it’s used for butch lesbians or FTM transsexuals. A “newhalf show” is basically a drag show, although the only one I attended was pretty different from drag shows I’ve seen in the US. It was more what I’d imagine an old-fashioned Vegas show to be like. Here’s a promo video (mildly NSFW due to skimpy costumes, but no nudity) that I found on YouTube for the same nightclub I visited in Tokyo.
I did once have a Japanese friend tell me she was confused as to the difference between “newhalf” and “gay”. Another friend who was present got onto her a bit for saying “newhalf”, as she considered both this and “half” to be derogatory. However, when I asked another friend about this later she said “newhalf” wasn’t considered offensive, “That’s just what they’re called”, and that if someone were trying to be offensive they’d say “okama” (literally a kind of pot, but as an insult roughly equivalent to “fag” in American English). I didn’t know any out LGBT people in Japan though, so I can’t say how the term “newhalf” is viewed by the people it is used to describe. It’s my impression that within Japan the term is commonly used without any derogatory intent, but it carries some connotations that I think trans folks might understandably consider problematic.