Ask the Transsexual Woman

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
501

In effect, I wonder if the first item is the most difficult. Basically, that sometimes even our supporters don’t really believe why we have to do what we do. They may not think we’re necessarily trying to “trick” people, but they don’t have faith that we really, really need to do this.

If someone was born with a heart valve that leaked, people wouldn’t tell them things like “well, can’t you just learn to live with it” or “are you sure that this isn’t just a phase?” They wouldn’t ask you “why do you think you need surgery?”, nor “how do you know that fixing this is the right thing to do?” or “how do you know your doctor doesn’t have an Agenda?” And they certainly wouldn’t say things like “I’m sorry but I can’t be around someone with a leaky heart valve, especially if you have surgery for it,” or “we’re kicking you out of the house until you get over this obsession with your heart valve.”

However, many of the people who are unfriendly to us simply think we’re “icky” and they find any number of ways to justify their disdain, disapproval, and even violence towards us. The most diabolical ones cherry-pick scientific studies and religious quotes and testimonials of unhappy transpeople to weave together well-sounding arguments for bigotry and hate, all the while feigning compassion toward “those poor deluded people.”

I was at a pub trivia night tonight, with two trans friends - one transitioned long before me, the other is in her 2nd month. New girl “C” is a scientist with an Ivy League graduate degree. C is going to lose a nearly 6-figure job, her wife, her house, and turn her life upside down and set it on fire by transitioning. I’ve tried and tried to work with her, to urge her to slow down, to compromise, but C can’t do it. Says C, “I can’t keep pretending I’m a guy! I’ve never felt like a guy! I want to be me! It makes me sick every single day! I have a cushy job and I love my work but they said they would fire me for transitioning, and I just can’t not transition! And I love my wife, but she says she’ll leave me if I don’t go off the hormones - but I can’t stop! I hate the clothes I have to wear, I want to cry every time someone in the lab calls me “sir”, and I need to be me, be a real lady like you two!”

She has everything she could want, but even after an incredible 6 years of counseling she was urged to transition by the psychiatrist(s) because otherwise they feared she might not survive. So she’s willing to push all her chips onto red and give that wheel a spin.

We don’t do this because we want to - we do it to survive.

(and BTW our pub trivia team rules; team t-girl won $100 over two nights!)

502

Una, I just read today’s Dear Prudence column on Slate here and was pleased by Prudence’s answer. I’d love to hear what you think.

503

I read it, and I have a couple of opinions (of course I do; I do love to hear myself talk…)

First, while I respect the awareness that Boylan has raised about the community, she also is an opinion of one, and I often don’t agree with her opinions. In fact, there is a little bit of enmity in the transgender community towards her, for reasons which are a little lengthy to go into.

Nonetheless, I too break stride with some of the more militant sisters of mine and think that there should be disclosure before actual sex occurs. I have three reasons for thinking this:

  1. The old lady in me really wonders how people get to the point of sex in their lives and don’t already know a significant amount about each other. Then again, the young slutty girl in me understands that, as since transition I’ve had and seen much more than my share of encounters with brief acquaintances.

  2. The activist part of me says “there should be nothing to be ashamed of” and you should tell at the right point, and that right point is …

  3. Before actual sex (read: penetrative heterosexual sex) because knowing that a majority of American adults think that we’re freaks, monsters, child molesters, men trying to trick other men into homosexual encounters, etc., the odds that your “sweet, kind man” will end up bashing your head through a wall are actually higher than you might think.

I mean, it’s GOING to come out at some point if you think it’s going to be a long-term relationship, especially with marriage as a prospect. Why not have it come out at the point where there’s a lesser chance of you being beaten or killed as a result?

I don’t wear a button on my breast which says “Kiss me, I’m Trans” but when I’m asked I smile and take ownership of the situation. I had to put this into practice recently at my university, when one of my students outed me in front of the entire class, by asking “what’s your relation to Professor (boy name)? Are you married to him? Or is it…something else?” (with that emphasis) I just smiled and said “No, (boy name) was the old me…which ironically was the younger me. I’m a transsexual woman, just like 5 other Professors here. If anyone is interested in hearing the plight of me and my people, take me out to dinner; in this class, we’re dealing with engineering.” No one has taken me up, and no one has treated me any differently. Even the two big ol’ cowboy type guys in the back row always make it point to call me “ma’am” and tip their hats to me, hold the door open for me…

But back to the story at hand. ANY situation where one sister is dumped and the other is married is going to be a psychodrama of Biblical proportions, and adding a transgender issue into it is throwing napalm on the fire. Part of me was viscerally pleased that Rhonda’s parents showed such solidarity with her, but overall I think it would have been much better to try anything to make amends.

Amy sounds like a real catty bitch – I cannot imagine what she thought the possible positive outcome would be, other than to split them up and latch onto loverboy. And loveboy can claim he’s transphobic all he wants to, but I don’t know…there are many “deceptions” an average couple has. Bad credit records, an angry ex in the background, inability to hold a job, drug or alcohol abuse, a history of being a victim of sexual abuse or a sex crime, etc. If you look hard at a lot of relationships you’ve seen form in your lives, you may notice that many times one partner or the other says “huh, I wish I’d known that before I got married.” However, many times as well people work through these things, like sensible adults.

In the ideal world, this is what should have happened:

  1. Amy implores, urges, nags, and does everything she feels necessary to get Rhonda to agree to disclose her trans history to loverboy.

  2. Rhonda discloses said history to loverboy with a well-thought out mail when the time is right, or tells him in a public place with lots of people around, preferably a friend or two at the next table.

2a) If Rhonda does not disclose, then Amy keeps her damn mouth shut and walks away from the situation. It’s not her damn business to be the “trans-outing crusader” of her hamlet.

  1. Loverboy either freaks out, takes some time to think and makes a calm decision, or else accepts.
504

Una, have you ever wondered why God made such a careless mistake/stuck you with such a cosmic bookkeeping error?

Have you destroyed all your pre-transition photographs?

505

I have to think that if there is God, God doesn’t make mistakes. Perhaps I was meant to walk both sides of gender, which physically belonging to neither, as some sort of way to achieve wisdom or enlightenment. Or, maybe, God did Jager shots while creating me.

No, I didn’t destroy any old photos. I don’t keep them out but I do keep them. I even show people some of the male ones. There are a couple where I do a “before/after” with me being posed in front of a landmark, separated by many years and many medical procedures.

506

Una, I don’t hang out on the SDMB like I used to, so this is the first I heard of your story. I got here by following your link in the Malaysia Airlines thread.

I’ve been around a long time on the Dope – hard to believe it’s been nearly 13 years. I admired you as Anthracite and now I admire you even more upon hearing your transformational story (pun intended).

I admire your courage and grace, though I am sure there were times when you probably displayed not enough of either (note that I have not yet read this entire thread).

Whenever I encounter difficulties in life, I remind myself that I have it easy compared to the challenges you and others have faced, and overcome. You make a difference whether you know it or not.

507

Thank you Algernon. :slight_smile:

508

No, you’re thinking of the duck-billed platypus. God did just fine with you. :slight_smile:

509

It’s difficult not to feel that way sometimes. Lately I’ve been so busy and so sick, it’s difficult to stay positive. Activism helps; I’m going to be lecturing along with some friends at the University of Kansas Law School soon about transgender persons and the law, and that has given me a boost.

We’re actually going to be presenting a very different view of transpeople than the atrocious caricatures in the media, such as Dallas Buyer’s Club. In our lineup we have out transsexuals who are an engineering consultant, attorney, professor, ballerina, vice president of a local shipping company, and the mother of the transkid highlighted in this article.

510

Una, I have followed this thread and I was wondering what your take would be on the Dear Prudence column. Thanks for your insight.

I also cringed for you when I saw the response in the Malyasian Plane thread, wondering how you would feel when you read that. And you handled it beautifully. I admire and respect you so much. Thank you for sharing your story. I have gained so much insight. I am so grateful for your activism. I have been a supporter of LBGT rights my entire life, but I have never really understood well those who are transgender. Because of you, I have a better idea of what I am fighting for.

511

I really enjoyed that article about A.J. She and her parents are awesome. Will the lecture series be filmed? I would love to see it.

I hope you feel better, soon, also.

512

Thank you for the kind words. :slight_smile:

513

Rhonda was infertile, it’s extremely deceptive not to tell someone they’d never be able to start a family and give either of them a way to pass on their genes. The fact that Rhonda’s infertility was self-inflicted is irrelevant.

It wasn’t wrong for the sister to tell Anon, it was wrong to then date him despite it being foreseeable likely to really hurt Rhonda’s feelings.

514

Yes, it WAS wrong for the sister to do a disclosure of such personal information. It might be appropriate for the sister to say Rhonda has information/history the two should discuss before marriage, but NOT OK to deliver the news on her own.

And yes, wrong for the sister to then date Anon.

515

I don’t see how my relatives were designated to be the Genetic Crusaders to make sure that anyone in particular knows that my messed-up DNA isn’t going to combine with anything on this planet. Aside from the fact that a large number of people who are having sex out there who aren’t married couldn’t give a toss about whether or not ultimately they could or could not have children.

IMO this is primarily a case of “meddling sister.” Since my sister disowned me, I guess I’ll never experience that pleasure.

I’m already on record as saying IMO there should have been disclosure though.

516

Can’t remember if anybody posted this before, but thisis a good video about a young trans girl and the issues she and her parents faced.

517

I bought these on your recommendation and, though it takes a long time for a new book to make it to the top of my reading stack, I’m half way through She’s Not There. It’s a beautiful sweet perfect book and I’m really enjoying it.

518

Jeez…it’s probably insensitive of me, but what on earth was that woman thinking? Why did she want to wait to tell him until after sleeping together?

I sure that’s not her actual intention, but how could the guy fail to interpret that as some sort of bizarre gotcha? Why would she even want to sleep with someone who might have some sort of hysterical breakdown afterwards? Why risk putting your own self-esteem through the wringer like that? What on earth did she want to achieve with this?

My heart breaks for her - it must have been hell for her to be put in a position where being that closeted seemed like the better option. But even so, my gut reaction is “what an asshole”, followed by “dumbass!”.

I’m on Dan Savages side here - if you don’t have your issues (any kind of issues) more or less in the bag, you shouldn’t be dating.

The sister was a real asshole though, that’s for sure - none of her business.

519

I’ve found that the vast majority of the time it’s just desperation, not exactly a desire to deceive.

I know many, many post-op transwomen in this region. They are all, except for two, utterly alone. They all are nice people. They all have jobs, careers, etc. All except one has a good personality; the one who doesn’t is just so alone it’s made her bitter.

The ones who try to go on dates and who advertise before the first date that they have a transsexual history never get the date, or else have the date canceled.

The ones who try to tell on the first date, or the first few dates, typically have a polite brush-off, verbal abuse, a drink thrown in their face, loud profanity and slurs in public, and in one case a punch in the face.

The ones who wait until before sex and who get completely emotionally head over heels in love receive about the same reaction if they tell before sex - a polite brush-off, verbal abuse, things thrown and broken, profanity and slurs, and in one case their car windows broken.

The ones who wait until after sex receive about the same reaction as above, except at least someone held them and made love to them and for one night made them feel like a woman and made them feel special and validated.

It’s not right, all around, but it’s the way it is.

520

I’m as open-minded as anyone could possibly be Una, but I don’t know what I would do if presented with such a dating conundrum.

I would certainly never resort to violence, but I would be somewhat shocked to be honest.

And to be honest even further, I don’t think I could continue the relationship. As mentioned a very long number of posts ago by me, you are certainly attractive, but I’m pretty sure I couldn’t follow through. I don’t think I’d be repulsed finding out after sex, but I couldn’t continue it.

Just being honest. FWIW