Why did you spell your name with two S’s?
Is the word “transvestite” an insult or does it refer to another permutation of gender dysphoria?
First, Una, thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry you went through everything you did, and I’m glad you’ve come out happier on the other side.
Second, on a related subject (gender fluidity): I found these stickers today. They are "Hello, My Name Is’ stickers that have the wearer’s preferred pronouns on the bottom. Very cool idea.
I’ve learned a lot in this thread, and it cleared up a misunderstanding I had about you (Una / Anthracite) personally. Somehow I got it into my head that you were transitioning (or had transitioned) female to male. Maybe because I first knew you as a lesbian, dunno. Anyway, thanks for the thread!
Calling a transgender, or especially a transsexual person a “transvestite” is akin to using the “n-word.”
As far as gender dysphoria…there is much debate on this subject. A large number of crossdressers have absolutely 0 gender dysphoria at all - they are MEN, and they are proud to be manly men, who happen to wear fishnets and 5-inch heels. Thanks to the efforts of Virginia Prince, crossdressers have firmly placed themselves under the “transgender” umbrella, and the lay public now lumps in crossdresser with transgender and transsexual persons. I think the Wiki article is somewhat flawed and biased, BTW.
Terminology is fluid, however, and that brings me to a “commonly accepted” set of definitions, which pretty much anyone can find some fault with.
Drag performer - identifies as their birth gender, is NOT sexually kinked by dressing, only dresses as a profession or performance art.
Crossdresser/CD - identifies as their birth gender, is NOT sexually kinked by dressing, dresses for reasons difficult to define.
Transvestite/TV - identifies as their birth gender, IS sexually kinked by dressing.
I know many of both, but most are TVs.
Transgender person - does NOT identify with their birth gender.
The problem is transgender is often termed to mean “has a gender identity OR presentation which is different from birth” - and thus, all of the above fall under this.
Transsexual - a transgender person who is/has taken significant legal, social, and medical measures to permanently change their gender presentation.
Many, many transsexuals have a low-level hatred for the CD/TV people, and some even hate the drag queens. The reasons are (and referring to women here).
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Drag and CD is a game. At the end of the day, a drag queen or crossdresser cold creams their face, hangs the dress up, and goes about their business. Transsexuals have to live every minute of every day, the good, the bad, and the ugly, as a woman. HUGE difference. In short, a CD worries if her new nail polish matches her dress. We worry about if we will be fired or when our family will speak to us again.
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Drag and CD folks are MEN. We are not. Cats and dogs difference. We don’t even identify with them that much, even though they often try to call themselves our “sisters”.
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We go through serious and expensive and permanent and sometimes risky means to change bodies. We pay our dues, and then some. Drag and CD people wear forms and tuck their penii away, and that’s that.
But the main reason is:
- The general public cannot distinguish between us, so they assume that a transgender person is:
a) A drag person playing a game
b) A CD who is playing dress-up
c) A TV who is turned on sexually by their clothes, or
d) All of the above.
My sisters are often asked things like “so, you’re a guy the rest of the time, right?” “Hey, did you watch RuPaul’s Drag Race?” or even “Oh yeah! Just like Rocky Horror!” :rolleyes:
Another thing is, if you go to any mixed gathering (and I’ve been to hundreds, if not more) of CDs and transsexuals, the CDs are the ones who are dressed like Carmen Miranda, or wearing 6-inch skirts with 5-inch platform heels, 20 pounds of costume jewelry, giant hair, and enough makeup to paint a house. Whereas the transsexual women are dressed and made up like, well, women. I remember one time there was a table of 5 of us transwomen sitting together in a party of about 30 CDs and TG/TS people, and a cisguy came up to make small talk, and said “came here to see the show?” and pointed at the CDs, who were dancing on the bar drunk and falling on top of each other.
Many CDs and TVs and drag queens are nice people, and my personal views are that I love my drag/CD/TV extended family, with some exceptions. A phenomenon which occurs from time to time are CDs who try to “bag a t-girl” - that is, their sole reason for dressing is to get into the group and take a t-girl home and fuck her. Typically it’s a one-night stand, unlike the “chasers.”* In our local community, sadly, we have a disproportionate number of these “baggers” and sometimes I have to be the “mom” and step in between them. But there’s only so much I can do - although mentally, the young, new t-girls are a lot like teenagers, they are consenting adults. And most of the baggers are LARGE CDs - one of the most notorious serial baggers is built like a boxer and not afraid to be a bit intimidating.
So in short, don’t call us drag queens, crossdressers, or transvestites. Transgender is OK, since it’s technically correct, but I prefer transsexual. Or in most cases, just woman.
- Cisgender men** who don’t dress who are intrigued or obsessed with having a love affair with a t-girl. Most are creepy, some are nice. Only very rarely are they aggressive. Sometimes they can link up and have a very long-term and happy relationship with a t-girl; I know of a few.
** Some cisgender women are chasers of t-girls. I’ve been pursued by a few of them, but never by a male chaser. I have no idea why.
Yargh…no offense, but I don’t know anyone who would wear those outside of a gag thing.
My screen name is from Michael Moorcock. My real name is very different and based on my ethnic heritage.
I’m extremely glad you didn’t commit suicide, and actually a bit shocked that you considered it. I’ve always enjoyed your contributions here, and I think of you as one of the most grounded, together people I’ve ever virtually known. Neither the board nor the column would be the same without you. We’re all damned lucky that you found a better solution.
Of course you did. This is why we love you. 
You’re welcome!
My daughter has been attending functions at Indiana Youth Group since she was about 15. It is a statewide Gay Straight Alliance group which has a meeting space and does all sorts of workshops, etc. for LGBTQ youth - it gives them a “safe space”.
One of the workshops is called “Gender Variants”, and is intended for any youth who identifies as either trans, genderqueer, or gender fluid. They begin each session with a name and a preferred pronoun. That’s why these caught my eye.
I’m not offended; I did, however, mention that it was not necessarily pertinent to your situation but was related. When you’re dealing with youth who are questioning early, it comes up. Many of them have either no or only minimal parental support at all, and thus are unable to present as they choose and/or begin any sorts of treatment.
You mentioned in your story that you felt “off” much earlier than you actually did something; what efforts (if any) do you feel should be made to assist transitioning youth?
The number one metric of whether a transkid succeeds or fails at school, whether they will attempt or not attempt suicide, and whether they will have a happy or unhappy life, is their parents. If their parents support them, then the risk of suicide, joblessness, homelessness, and all other ‘nesses’ plummets. I know many transkids and their parents present a range of situations.
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A 15-year old transgirl who has a mom who supports her but is terrified of what will happen in life, and a dad who grudgingly supports her, but refuses to let her transition until age 18. The transgirl is feeling more and more disconnected from her family, and they are losing her.
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An 8-year old transgirl who lives in a broken home, with an abusive arch-conservative dad who thinks mom created this “freak” and believes therapy, bible school, or a military boot camp will cure her. Mom has run off to live with her lesbian lover. The daughter is in serious psychological trouble, and there has already been a suicide attempt, because she wants so desperately to please her parents, but the gender dysphoria is too powerful to pretend she’s a boy, despite all threats, punishments, and abuse.
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A 7-year old transgirl who lives with two parents who are arch-arch conservative Tea Partiers. Who after trying their best to “change her back,” rallied behind her, and have become militant pro-trans people. “Tiger Mom” is so conservative she makes the Tea Party people go “whoa”, and yet has actually fought Rush Limbaugh on the air - twice (!) trying to argue that conservatives should stop worrying about transgender people, give us rights, and focus on the important things in life - defeating Obamacare. The girl has had taunts and jeers at school, and grandma refuses to accept her - but with mom and dad and her brother so solidly backing her, she’s doing great.
*A 17 year-old transboy whose mom I went to high school with, who contacted me when her daughter came out as her son. Mom and dad and siblings are highly supportive, but the transboy is receiving abuse and threats from his peers. However, with his family behind him firmly, he can go “meh” and is doing just fine.
The first two kids I worry about, the last two not so much.
Educating and teaching and helping the parents is what I think is key - it’s a “trickle-down” theory of family assistance. Help the parents to support their kid and make a solid family that sticks together, and that will give the kids the largest support they can have.
The next thing that transkids need are mentors - a same-sex mentor - to help educate and protect them. Transkids can be very vulnerable, especially to baggers and chasers, and someone needs to be looking out for them at community events. The baggers and chasers are oh-so suave and subtle, and a youthful transkid is a prize to them. Transsexuals will watch out for them as best as we can, but assigning or designating a mentor can help.
Thanks for the insightful thread!
Would you say it is more usual for transwomen to gravitate towards traditionally feminine attire (high heels, makeup, skirts, etc.)? You seem to be a very fashionable lady, but I would assume that the TS community would include women who prefer to go out in no makeup and jeans and sneakers. Then again, dressing that way might add another reason for people to mis-gender you in public …
I guess I’m just interested in the intersection of gender identification and societal constructions of masculinity/femininity. (And also sounding like a pompous social science undergrad. Sorry.)
Most transwomen I know dress pretty much like cisgender women of the same age. The ones 30-50 wear ladies’ jeans and a soft top, with women’s flat shoes. Some wear slacks and sweaters - one of my best friends models herself after Martha Stewart, like this. http://i.perezhilton.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/jcpenneys-can-move-forward-with-selling-martha-stewart-goods__oPt.jpg
Some younger ones go more Bohemian - peasant skirts, college-type skirts and jean jackets, etc.
The much older ones are more likely to wear a dress. One of my best friends who is over 60 dresses like Donna Reed, but in a way that works and looks just, well, good.
I dress up partially because I have a high-profile position at work, and I dress like the female VPs. Tailored skirt suits, mid to high heels, etc. I rarely come home just to change to go out, so people see me dressed up all the time, and I have a reputation as a result. I enjoy the freedom of skirts, and layered skirts are much warmer in the winter than trousers ever were. And much cooler in the summer when you have a light skirt.
On purely casual days I dress well, but I experiment a lot. I am told I have an excellent eye for fashion, by pretty much everyone, and I like to try things out. I will do everything from add a steampunk accent to a 1950’s look to short skirt/long jacket (like the song). I never, ever, EVER wear jeans unless I’m riding my motorcycle, and then it’s women’s jeans with a great flare and shape.
As I mentioned, I was incredibly, awesomely fortunate in that I had money. I spent more than $6,000 on clothes and shoes since March 2013, and to my best estimate bought 20 work skirt-suits, about 150+ casual outfits, 44 pairs of shoes or boots, and innumerable accessories (bras, panties, hose, tights, slips, etc.) The vast majority of my outfits came from a couple of good local used clothing stores. I have found entire work skirt-suits in perfect shape for $8, ones which “wow” people at work and have them asking where I got them. I can often get 4 beautiful skirts for $10 total on sale. This isn’t crap or kitschy stuff, and after a while the store started giving me huge discounts. I got a used Eileen Fisher grey 100% silk suit for $10 - the list price on it was $500+. Not a single thread out of place, not a single spot on it.
I shop hard and I negotiate and haggle and wear people down. I also found a lady who just because I am her friend, acts as a personal shopper for me. So she browses used clothing stores, and when she finds something cool in my size (6-8) she texts me a photo, and I can tell her to hold it or buy it outright for me. I do the same for other women too - it’s a community thing which helps all of us out.
Hi Una, you are so brave for starting this thread!
My husband is a cross dresser and I struggled at first with whether he was trans and going to want to transition. I have realized that he doesn’t want to transition but I wanted to comment on your post about cross dressers.
My husband started CDing as a fetish when he was a teen but now there is no more fetish to it. It’s not a turn on for him.
And we do worry about him getting fired, our exes finding out, what our parents and kids would think.
I don’t know why he does it but it seems to me that he doesn’t have much of a choice in it. Yes he can take his wig off but he still could be outed while clothes shopping, etc.
It seems to be a deep part of him that neither of us can explain.
In some ways it seems like cross dressers are the red headed step children of the GLBTQ world. I was wondering what you think of that?
We go out with him dressed and he really doesn’t pass close up. I am always worried that he is going to be beat up or assaulted by men who are mad that he “tricked” them. I’m sorry for what you went through.
Also have you seen Transamerica and what did you think?
Hi Una, thanks again for making this thread. Sorry if I’m asking too many pointless questions
In your experience, does it seem like there are more people born male who transition to female or the other way around? Most of the work you talked about has been with women, maybe that’s just a function of you being a woman yourself that you tend to work with more women? Or are there simply more transsexual women around?
Are there any intersex people who simply refuse to “pick” one sex or the other to transition to? Like there are bisexual people, are there people who just prefer both?
Well, you are brave for sticking with him and standing by him!
If your husband truly doesn’t want to continue crossdressing, some medications have been effective in reducing the desire to crossdress. Sometimes anti-anxiety drugs and antidepressants can reduce or remove the urge to crossdress (for transgender persons, drugs are highly ineffective to non-effective at all). However, you know, times are advancing for all of us. And in public, your husband may be at less risk than he thinks.
When I was socially “out” as myself but still not out at work, I too worried about meeting a co-worker outside of work. But several close encounters, including right-up-face-to-face ones, showed that most people see what they expect to see, and they aren’t that quick to pick out a face in the crowd as a co-worker, especially when that face is on a different body. I did have someone ask if I had a brother who worked at my company, and I had another co-worker hold a door for me and say “ma’am”, and no one even thought it was me.
So the answer might not be in how well he passes, but how similar his girl mode looks to his boy mode.
Well my post above covered this pretty well - I love all the gender and gender presentation spectrum, but some don’t, for the reasons in the post above.
I do know that increasingly I’m seeing rants in blogs and the news by transsexual women who want to split from not only the CD community, but from the LGB community where very often we have been the redheaded stepchildren ourselves. Let me tell you some honest truth here:
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The number of times I’ve had an anti-trans slur used against me personally in public by a cisgender person is 0.
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The number of times I’ve had an anti-trans slur used against me personally in public by a gay male is 4.
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The number of times I’ve had an anti-trans slur used against me personally in public by a gay woman is 1.
Now there is a bias here - you may have seen my photo on in Post 1. I pass pretty well, in fact I’ve not been made for a long time, and that was due to using a credit card with my boy name on it. So cisgender folks usually don’t know anything about my past. Whereas the LGB folks do, since I’m a trans spokesperson and community activist.
But what cause would there be? CDs/transpeople who get into trouble tend to be the ones flirting with, trying to pick up, or even having sex with cisgender people who are unaware of who they’re with. I’ll wager most men would puff out their chests and say “ain’t no way I would be fooled by a tranny!”, and yet, I see it every week. The guy goes home beaming over the pretty tall girl that flirted with him and blew him in car, and never knows that the girl still had testicles and a penis. One of my good friends spent hours with a big ol’ cowboy at a club, who was begging her for sex, and he didn’t find out until a phone call the next day that she was a pre-op transsexual. For his credit, he took it politely and was a gentleman.
Unless your husband is flirting, or unless you go to a shitty bar, he’s likely not to be harassed.
Many in the trans community threw roses at the feet of the producers, and I was swept away by it at first. But then it started to nag at me - why did we have to have a gratuitous and unbelievable scene with Bree and her penis for her son to find out? Why was there the strangeness of Bree’s son coming onto her? What was with that scene with the horrible dress at the restaurant? I know he didn’t know it was her, but she responded to the kiss…OMG. And was it really, really impossible to find a single actual transwoman to play the role? Nowadays, the feeling in the community whenever a cisgender person plays a transperson is like watching Justin Bieber play Nelson Mandela.
If it helps you or anyone else be a little more tolerant or informed about my people, I don’t mind at all.
Here there are some good scientific stats, in that generally transwomen outnumber transmen by about 4:1. This ratio seems to be fairly consistent across the globe, and there are some biological reasons for it.
Moreover, women on the gender fringe can present a male gender role without controversy. Madonna really has it right when she says “Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short, wear shirts and boots, because it’s OK to be a boy. But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading, because you think that being a girl is degrading.” A woman can wear blue jeans, flannel, and work boots, cut her hair short, forgo makeup, even drive a Subaru, and typically the worst people will tend to think is “lesbian.” But just try being a cisgender man and showing up with eyeshadow. Or high heels.
Another part of the issue is transmen just pass SO much easier. The testosterone they take produces immediate and profound changes - the body hair and beard come in fast, they lose their head hair in many cases, they bulk up, their voice changes (lucky them), and as long as they can hide their breasts they tend to pass 100%. As a result of that, almost all the transmen I know are in deep stealth. So I really don’t get to see or interact with them so much, and they don’t have nearly the problems and negative public exposure that we do.
Yes - in the past that essentially was not allowed, and physicians would sometimes force the issue by involuntary surgery. Nowadays there is a growing movement in the intersex community to just be “I,” “third gender,”* “no gender,” or some other variant.
Me, I have always felt like a girl. As much as I can know what a girl feels like. I do not believe I ever felt like a boy, except maybe a few times when very young? I respect people who are or want to be genderless, but I’ve found that there does seem to be an air of sadness in them which is more profound than one would expect.
- Personally I think this is difficult, as third gender may apply, but the hijra and other groups have been petitioning the UN for recognition of third gender status, and this may confuse things.
Thanks for your responses! Once when we were out at night a group of guys on the street said “hello ladies!” As we passed, and then another one said “that’s a dude.”
I’m just worried some guy is going to flip out because he was attracted to him and then finds out he’s a man.
I don’t know that I’m brave. I’m not attracted to him when he’s fully dressed and so that is weird for me. I also don’t know who I am when we go to gay bars. Talk about the red headed step child! I thought I was so open minded but having people look at me like “who are you?” Is really hard. Am I the best friend, am I “her” lesbian girlfriend, am I a trans woman?
And then I’ve heard them say “oh those are real boobs. That’s a woman.”
It just is sad that there is much division among people who could be supporting each other.
It has caused some confusion because he had a lot of emotional and mental aspects that are stereotypically female. And I have done and said things that one shouldn’t say to a straight man.
We actually ended up going to counseling and she specializes in gender and trans. She said to me in private that she thought eventually he would probably quit.
It just seems to make him so happy. And he’s the same person with the same voice and mannerisms when he’s dressed. I was so afraid he would be a totally different person.
The bathroom issue is interesting. At one event we attended the women’s restroom just had fabric curtains across the stalls and there were a ton of women in the bathroom doing their hair, etc.
He had to find another bathroom because he felt uncomfortable. Many times I’ve had to stand in front of stalls because the door lock doesn’t with and he’s afraid of someone walking in on him.
They always want to take pictures of him when we go to big events and I always say no because he has two recognizable tattoos. I just don’t need his ex to see it in the paper or online and try to keep the kids from us.
He does look totally different but it’s just a huge risk.
And so most days he has his toe nails painted and wears women’s underwear, I just don’t notice anymore. The counselor advise us to hide it from the kids for now so he wears socks around them.
About TA: I thought it was odd they couldn’t find a trans woman but at the same time it was interesting seeing a straight woman play that.
The scene with the dress, I think was because she was trying to piss her mom off as much as possible. So she chose the most garish dress she could.
The kiss was weird! Ew.
I was also going to ask you if you think that there are more trans people at this time in history or is it just that we are more aware of it now?
Well, again, if he is not actively flirting with them and you aren’t in a bad part of town, the chances are reduced.
At the LGBT places I go, cisgender partners of anyone in the community - CD to TS - are generally respected, as we know how difficult it can be to find someone to love. And it must be a strange place for people to comment on your breasts. But I’ve found there can be a wide variety in LGBT clubs, too.
That is an excellent question which has puzzled most researchers, and to be honest we don’t know the answer. There are some very, very weak links pointing to chemical exposure in the womb driving an increase in transgenderism (such as DDT), but the jury is way out. I think that all along a large number of folks have had some level of gender dysphoria, and it’s only as we have gained rights and acceptance that more of us are coming forward. FTR similar questions were asked in the 1990’s when gays and lesbians started to become much more common - people all over started asking “is it something in the water?”
While there are many tantalizing theories about an increase in the number of transpeople, right now I think it’s too soon to tell. In terms of the number who are out, or even “out and proud”, the numbers are certainly growing rapidly.