Try this one. That’s a proper universal wrench. 360° grip, just as any man would want in any context.
Is eating over the kitchen sink really superior to the kitchen table?
The only good kind. There has to be a woman or women, maybe a guy. Both are wearing sunglasses and having sex somewhere other than a bed or a beach. Plots that are more difficult to follow than the true stories of a copier repair man are obviously overlooked.
OP by Sonia Montdore:
Apparently, you are not familiar with one of the many uses of WD-40
OP by Struan:
Good spelling never gutted an inimal, killed an introoder, or kreated no good sex film. An there ain’t no dictionary in my hol damn house.
OP by hocow
The kitchen table is covered with car parts and the kitchen sink is full of shot glasses. I assume you are asking where I eat. I stick a fork in my dinner and carry it around the house with me.
OP by Mindfield:
Thanks, I just ordered one. You have the makings of my protégé
Sgt Schwartz
After reading that other thread, I was wondering something. I was put into an strange situation by my sister and her husband recently and I felt it may have been wrong for me to do them this favor.
My BiL is a runner. Several years ago they visited me here in NYC and they asked to visit some specialty runner store where he bought some ‘stuff’ for his running. My sister asked me to go back to the store and buy some more for him. The item in question? Special runners underwear. I know it is wrong for one man to buy another man underwear. However this could be considered sporting equipment and that of course, one man may buy another man.
So, was it OK for me to make this purchase?
You bought a GUY drawers? Really? That purchase should never have been made. Dude, Zebra, buddy, the only reason we buy chicks
underwear is so we can stare at the Fredericks of Hollywood girls who sell us the stuff. It is a present for her and a thrill for us. So basically, you bought underwear for a guy, from a guy and want me to accept the crappy excuse that it was SPORTING GOODS?!? I think not. Go back to your copy of* Better Homes and Gardens.* Let me know what you think of quiche.
Sgt Schwartz
Dear Uber Hetro Male:
If your wife asked you to pick up some tampons and sanitary napkins for her at Walmart, would you do it? Does your wife buy Cruex for jock itch for you, or does she make you buy that yourself?
Cordially:
Interested Bystander
Interested Bystander,
It is only by asking questions such as this can we truly spread knowledge. Thank you for asking a question that most men think they know the answer to, but don’t know why. A H-M would say, “Yes, I will buy tampons because it means I don’t have to buy diapers.” The Uber Heto Male will not buy femine hygiene products, diapers, or even condoms. Women go to the grocery store. Women go to Wal-Mart. If you don’t have a woman to do your shopping you have not been paying attention to the UHM.
My wife does not buy Cruex for me. As you should know I scratch my jock itch whenever I feel the need to.
Uber Hetro Male.
Dear UHM,
Why do some men try to prove that they are Ultra Hetero Males by asking to have sex with me?
For example, a frien and I were once on the way home from a party and looking pretty fey. As we waited for the bus, this big muscle car drove up alongside me, booming music, and this dude rolled down the window and yelled, “Hey faggot! Wanna fuck me?”
I was momentarily disoriented as to why he would be trying to prove his uber-straight machismo by asking to engage in receptive anal sex with a gay man, and it was all I could do to snap back, “Not if you told me I could have Rufus Wainwright for sloppy seconds would I fuck you!”
Have you encountered this paradoxical phenomenon before, and do you have an explanation for it?
Sadly, Matt McL he was not an Uber Hetro-Male. He was instead a Richard Simmons clone who wanted to pretend to be a member of the UH-M. Guys who pump bass from their muscle cars have something to hide or make up for. Guys who use the word “faggot” are only searching for one of their own. It is crap like in the film Roadhouse where Jimmy sez to Dalton, “I used to fuck guys like you in prison,” that makes it seem cool. Fucking guys, no offense, to the true Hetro-Male, let alone the Uber Hetro Male, is the lowest of the low. Having anal sex with a guy is grounds for dismissal from the club altogther.
However, your offer of “Rufus Wainwright for sloppy seconds” was worthy of an UH-M high five. (If you change it to Jennifer Aniston or Helen Hunt, you too can be an Uber Hetro Male)
Sgt Schwartz
Dear UHM,
Question 1) Do you like to eat hot dogs, bananas, popcycles, and sausages?
Question 2) Do you like watching football with the guys who wear tight pants and slap each other on the ass and huddle together with their butts out in the air?
Question 3) Speaking of football and guys in tight pants, do you like wrestling?
Pah! I challenge your credentials, sir! Any self-respecting Uberhetero Male knows that the most gay country is France.
What kind of TV shows does the typical UHM watch?
Where can I find one of these UH-Ms?
Dear Seven,
Question 1) Not so much popsicles, but hot dogs, bananas, and saugsages are acceptable to eat. The UH-M does understand that such items are broken with the hands into bite sized pieces. At no time will an UH-M insert a whole banana into his mouth at one time.
Question 2) Football is fine, focusing on the asses of the players is not. To put it in terms you can understand, when you watch ladies gymnastics, you probibly do not make comments like, “Damn, I would love to be that Pommel Horse.”
Question 3) I am starting to sense a theme here, Seven. Wrestling not so much, however. UFC and bare knuckle boxing.
OP by Liberal:
This is an opportunity to learn here, Liberal. I assume you came about your knowledge by asking other Hetro-Males, “What is the gayest country in the world.” The typical Hetro-Male will give you France as an answer, then after you leave will tell his buddies, "That guy wants to go to the gayest country in the world. " I have never asked that question, and have never needed the knowledge.
OP by Red Barchetta:
Sports is a given. South Park, the Simpsons, and CNN. Game shows are also acceptable to watch if they are based on useless trivia. If you have to guess the price of something, peform mathmatical calculations, or appear with your family, these game shows do not count.
OP by catsix:
NASCAR events, Hooters Restaurants, or my favorite, “How you doin’”
Sgt Schwartz
What does the Uber Hetero-Male do for a living?
Also, what does the UHM drive?
The UH-M can have any job so long as he wears a uniform to work. His name must be sewn onto the breast of his uniform. It can be the first name or last name, doesn’t matter. The name can also be pinned on, however, and this is important, if the Uber Hetro-Male pins on a name tag, he must, as part of his official duties, carry a firearm.
Peterbuilt is acceptable for a quick trip to the beer store. Ford, Chevy, and Dodge are the only acceptable kind of trucks. If you have even so much as comparison shopped for a minivan, you may not call yourself an Uber Hetro-Male.
Sgt Schwartz
So, when I go shopping with my girl, she throws some tampons in the cart. I stop everything and give her a disgusted look and make her carry them. Also, they get their own plastic red barrier between themselves and the food. Finally, they also get a separate bag (and usually a bag inside of a bag).
Good call or bad? She’s doing an awful lot of eye rolling for the past few days, but that’s prolly cause the dame’s saddling the cotton pony, right?
True, I wouldn’t want a woman to springboard over me, smashing me in the gut with her hands.
That said, I wouldn’t mind being the gymnastics mat sometimes. 
You show promise, my friend. The only question I have is why are you going to the grocery store with your girl to begin with? The true UH-M goes to the butcher shop for steaks, the convience store for beer, and the hardware store for charcoal and lighter fluid. Notice that none of these places sell femine hygiene products.
And yes, the eye rolls are due to the cotton cork she is wearing. Invite your guy friends over so she will go to bed early and you will not have to see the eye rolls.
Sgt Schwartz
Ketchenny?