Ack! Am I a man?

Inspired by this thread:

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=105069

Here’s the thing:

  • I have no interest in sports at all.

  • I don’t drink much beer or alcohol, for no reason other than I don’t like the taste.

  • I’m not much good at fixing anything.

  • I don’t like fart jokes or the Three Stooges.

  • I’ve no interest in cars other than operating one to get from one point to another.

  • I don’t think most supermodels are attractive.

  • Lots of exploding things and car chases is not enough to get me to watch a movie.

  • I’ve never gone hunting and wouldn’t want to.
    So what’s the verdict here? A quick check reveals that I still seem to have a penis, and the people I find myself physically attracted to all seem to be women. So on the surface I appear to be a heterosexual male. Yet with that list above, my claims to maleness are weak. What can I do?

Well, you’ve got a few options here:

a) You can fake it by grabbing your crotch, spitting alot, and referring to womens’ breasts as “hooters” as much as possible–gratuitously if you have to

b) You can admit defeat and join the circus, or

c) You can keep working the angle you’re working and wind up with all the babes. :wink: You know, the whole sensitive, doe-eyed (sorry… not implying anything about your masculinity :stuck_out_tongue: ), “I’m not even sure I am a man” angle.

For example, you could use THIS line on your next trip to the bar… wait… you don’t like to drink… um, the coffee shop, then: “I’m not sure I even AM a man… Would you mind checking to make sure my penis isn’t fake?”

Yeah. Try that. :wink: :smiley:

I’m the same way with everything on that list except for alcohol. Although i do believe that beer is waaay overrated.
I always feel left out in those car conversations every guy seems to have for male bonding.
But being a sensitive, girly man isn’t really getting me anywhere. I think the whole women loving sensitive, mature guys thing is a myth.

Excluding the alcohol clause-you sound very much like my husband :stuck_out_tongue: ! And I assure you-he’s most indubitably a guy.

Now ** non-native **, I could tell you about a place where you could meet women and you’d be about the only hetro male in sight but it’ll cost ya!

I’m right up there with Legomancer…except that I am pretty handy when it comes to fixing stuff. The cars, booze and sports thing? Couldn’t care less.

What’s a non-stereotypical male to do?

I hear ya, Legomancer. I know exactly where you’re coming from. I have been, and still am, there myself.

[ul]
[li]I have no interest in sports at all. ** double-check**[/li]
[li]I don’t drink much beer or alcohol check[/li]
[li]I’m not much good at fixing anything. half-check No good with cars, but I’m good at fixing stuff around the house.[/li]
[li]I don’t like fart jokes double-check[/li]
[li]I’ve no interest in cars other than operating one to get from one point to another. half-checkNot a wrench-head but I do appreciate muscle cars and classics.[/li]
[li]I don’t think most supermodels are attractive. check Nice to look at but wouldnt want to date one.[/li]
[li]Lots of exploding things and car chases is not enough to get me to watch a movie. check[/li]
[li]I’ve never gone hunting and wouldn’t want to. triple-check[/li][/ul]

Don’t let it get you down. Judging by various stereotypes, I am a man. But it doesn’t get me any more women. Go figure. :stuck_out_tongue:

(Incidentally, so many people who know me online assume I’m a guy that I’m tempted to remove all references to my gender from my web page and just let people guess which person in the picture is in drag)

  • I have no interest in sports at all. I like to play sports, and watch college basketball and football

  • I don’t drink much beer or alcohol, for no reason other than I don’t like the taste. I love alchol (in moderate moderation)

  • I’m not much good at fixing anything. I love fixing things. It makes me feel good when I can fix something.

  • I don’t like fart jokes or the Three Stooges. Neither do I.

  • I’ve no interest in cars other than operating one to get from one point to another. Mmmm, I kind of like cars, I guess. I’d like an electric one.

  • I don’t think most supermodels are attractive. I agree fully. Eat something girl! Lift some weights!

  • Lots of exploding things and car chases is not enough to get me to watch a movie.
    Me neither.

  • I’ve never gone hunting and wouldn’t want to. I’ve not been in ten years, but I like to shoot skeet (or sporting clays)
    5 out of 8, I guess I’m just 62% male!

Careful legomancer, you may lose your Official Guy Card posting stuff like that!

And non-native, the sensitive male is certainly not a myth. I am happily married to one so I know it for a fact. It’s a balance, though. He’s sensitive and manly all in one!

mmmmmmmm, excuse me, I have to go now…:smiley:

No son…you are most definitely Devo.

Except for my fanatical interest in baseball, I’m right there with you.

I have no interest in sports at all. - Check

I don’t drink much beer or alcohol, for no reason other than I don’t like the taste. - I’m in college, so I have to drink, but I really don’t drink much beer at all. (I consider Guinness something more than mere “beer”. :slight_smile: )

I’m not much good at fixing anything. - I’m positively horrible at fixing things. If I try to fix something, I usually end up breaking it more.

I don’t like fart jokes or the Three Stooges. - Pretty much agree. Sometimes the Stooges are funny, but definitely not much more than a chuckle or two.

I’ve no interest in cars other than operating one to get from one point to another. - Absolutely agree.

I don’t think most supermodels are attractive. - Same here.

Lots of exploding things and car chases is not enough to get me to watch a movie. - Agreed.

I’ve never gone hunting and wouldn’t want to. - Been hunting twice, never liked it.

And let me add …

  • I hate listening to loud music. My god, I hate loud music with the fire of a thousand suns. I don’t listen to music often, but when I do, I want to actually listen to it.

  • I think most video games are boring or stupid. I don’t “get” them.

  • I think sex is very overrated.

  • Rare meat is disgusting. I prefer steaks and hamburgers well-done.

Well, ask yourself: Is this a concern because I want to impress guys or because I want to impress girls? I’m assuming that you’re comfortable with yourself as you are, and you’re asking for the sake of future socialization.

See, guys who want to bond with other guys have to have the beer/sports/fart jokes/gonna-put-my-Camaro-on-blocks-and-fine-tune-her[sup]TM[/sup] thing going on.

But what women like is a confident, soft-spoken guy who can make them laugh, make them feel like he’s not trying to impress them or get into their pants, and who is willing to admit he’s not “Mr. MachoGearHead.” Trust me, this works. Chicks dig it.

I can’t reveal more because the Royal Sacred Order of Sensitive Guys[sup]TM[/sup] won’t allow it.

But trust me on this one. Women like a little flirting and teasing, not a hairy-backed knuckle-dragging troglodyte.

Oh, and Dragonblink, you’ve got really nice legs!

I think I’m about to be a man, but…

I have no interest in sports at all.

  • YOU HAVE NO IDEA how much I detest all sports. NO IDEA! I am so sick of the neanderthal “sport is everything” attitude we’re supposed to have!

I don’t drink much beer or alcohol, for no reason other than I don’t like the taste.

  • Well, I am 15, but I guess it’s still pretty abnormal for me to not celebrate “getting pissed”

I’m not much good at fixing anything.

  • You have GOT to see me in Shop. I wreck EVERYTHING I touch! I am going to be SO dependent on paying people to fix things!

I don’t like fart jokes or the Three Stooges.

  • Three Stooges are ok, and I can laugh at a good fart, but there is only so many times you can hear the words “crap aerosol” and appreciate it (like once. ONCE! Can he not see that! EURGH!)

I’ve no interest in cars other than operating one to get from one point to another.

  • Well, I’m too young to operate one, but my only interest in them is to save walking and for me to one day buy one. I can do both of these things without doing what my friends do and buying magazines filled with them, discussing which are “gutless”, measuring how good a car is by wether it can reach 600 km/h quickly (despite the fact that I’ll drive it at 100!)…
    And I certainly can live my life without the ability to say “that’s a nice '94 model Ford there” like my annoying friend does (and I’m SURE he just makes it up sometimes because I don’t care!)

I don’t think most supermodels are attractive.

  • Some are, but I like the type that can look nice without a four or five figure budjet.

Lots of exploding things and car chases is not enough to get me to watch a movie.

  • I KNOW! I HATE the fast and the furious! Just because it has some fast cars (oh wow!) and some people being bad (wow again!) it is still a repetitivie load of tosh! Are we the only males who like to have a plot!

I’ve never gone hunting and wouldn’t want to.

  • Ditto. I’m content without proving that I am man enough to kill a small, frightened creature with ONLY a piece of lead 200 km/h.

Also, I like WORDS in music, and prefer the kind WITHOUT 2/3rds profanity.

And one more thing:
CHICKEN IS BETTER THAN STEAK! OK? What is so great about chewing a burnt dead thing for 5 hours just to get no particular taste? Eh? Chicken you can penetrate without diamond fillings, and it tastes NICE! And you can eat it without it being black!

And yes, I do have a penis of rather healthy size and desire to marry and have sex with a woman. However, I can actually wait until I am older for it without dying, and can last a few seconds without discussing how big my penis is (I am quite secure without telling everyone, thank you very much) or how great sex I have (when I obviously don’t yet).

Oh, and when I see a girl I actually TALK to her before scoring her breasts out of ten or thinking about her vagina.

The first part of a girl that interests me is a pretty face (then the butt :).

WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!

Oh, that’s right, I’m not a caveman.

Or a sad teenager who has to prove himself every second as to being a man.

Or totally controlled by my own penis.

I feel better now.

[the Goons]
Seagoon: “I’d like the opportunity to prove myself a man.”
Bloodnok: “Right, report to the MO.”
[/the Goons]

I love to watch a soccer. Why? Because you can actually see the fellows physiques. You can’t see anything interesting in football (er, anatomically speaking, that is). Tennis, the angles are bad and the camera too far distant.

I like whiskey. Particulary a nice blend, or a very good single malt like my favorite, Oban. No, server, I do not want water or ice in it for the third time. I cannot stomach beer, but I do have a fondness for low-taste wines (e.g. the sweet stuff).

I’m great at fixing almost everything, including things I’ve no idea how to fix. Once in a while, I fix something by leaning against it, so well no one can demonstrate the former problem. :wink:

Depends on the fart joke, but I love the Three Stooges.

I rebuilt the ignition system, replaced the alternator, then the heating coils in my first car. I was the person in college everyone asked for help when their car cratered. Yes, even my fellow male students - they didn’t have toolboxes in their trunks.

Check. As someone said upthread, eat enough to be at a healthy weight, and lift some weights. Most of them look like they’ve just been sprung from a concentration camp. I don’t find them attractive; I find them revolting.

Except if it happens to be a James Bond flick.

It is a lot different when you’re hunting because otherwise your supper won’t include any meat - and not enough beans. Strangely enough, there are very poor families in America, despite the assumptions otherwise.

Thanks folks. So far it seems I can still keep my membership. Here’s some more data, pro and con:

EVIDENCE AGAINST MY MANHOOD:

  • I am not concerned at all about losing my hair.

  • As someone above, I do not like loud music, and prefer music with lyrics and melody.

EVIDENCE FOR MY MANHOOD:

  • I’ve been married to a woman for 8.5 years.

  • I am often asked to open jars.

She’s a lucky woman. Plenty of us would opt for you over the “manly man”.

The real test here - who has to dispose of any spiders, you or your wife.

Here are my takes on the points brought up in this thread, as well as a couple points of my own:

Sports: Don’t like 'em, never did. I especially detest football and the attitudes that its fans have about it. Some of them would probably miss their grandmother’s funeral if it conflicted with Monday Night Football. I am especially disgusted by the ones who go all out and come to the game bare-chested with body paint all over them in their team’s colors. Doing this in cold weather just adds to the “manliness” factor. I have a lot of other rants about football, but I’ll reserve these for the Pit. Most other sports don’t evoke such disdainful feelings, but I don’t devote my time to watching them.

Drinking alcohol: I stay away from it, not because of religious convictions, but because I don’t feel that it is necessary. I’m also a bit unsettled by thinking about how alcohol destroys brain cells. Above all, I can’t understand what the point is in getting drunk and losing control of one’s faculties and purposely impairing one’s own perceptions, and then get hung over and spend the next day puking. Count me out. I also find most beer commercials to be absurd at best. I also like knowing that I run an absolute zero risk of ever getting a DUI on my driving record. Well, this is looking like Pit material, too, so I will stop here for now.

Fixing/repairing things: Simply put, I do not have the patience to fix things. If it breaks I either show it to someone who has the knowhow and the patience to tinker with it, or I replace it. I am proud to say that I never once took anything apart to see how it works and am thus free from ever having been punished as a child for this.

Fart jokes: I must say that I enjoy this level of humor and that there are several elements of my third-grade boyhood such as this one that have stayed with me. I’m a Beavis and Butthead fan, and I’m 32. I should add that I am very discreet about this when it involves me. I’m not one to “let 'em rip” regardless of where I am or who I am with.

Cars: I just drive them. I like mine to look good on the road and run well, but I’m not one to try to impress the chicks while stopped at red lights; I’d rather blend in and not draw attention to myself in traffic. Any time a group of guys get to talking about cars they might as well do it in a foreign language, since to me it pretty much is. I don’t know a manifold from a solenoid, for example.

Supermodels: Waaaaay overrated in my opinion. I have unusual tastes in women. I actually like them to be heavyset, and I find slender, diet-obsessed women to be unattractive. I also don’t care for women who do up their hair, wear a lot of makeup, and wear the “latest fashions.” A woman who lets her hair hang down straight, doesn’t paint her face like a clown, wears jeans and a T-shirt and doesn’t give a damn about the calories in the food she eats is quite all right by me.

Explosions and car chases in movies: Okay, I pick up “manliness” points here. I love a movie with lots of explosions and car chases in it. This isn’t the limit of what I like to see in movies, though. I like most genres, even children’s fare, but I don’t care much for chick flicks.

Hunting/fishing: I’ve never gone hunting and I have no plans to try it. I never had any interest in it. I’ve gone fishing before. I find it to be a drag, personally.

Loud music: I like to play my rock music at high volume, but I don’t play it at an ear-splitting level. I have a nice car stereo with a subwoofer, but I don’t crank it up so loud that people across the intersection at the red light can also hear it thumping.

Video games: I’m from the old school here. I grew up on Pac-Man, Centipede, Galaga, etc. The video games of today don’t do anything for me and they seem to be more or less the same, kick the crap out of your opponents. The new driving/racing games would be fun to play, but I don’t have the time for such diversions.

Sex: I must admit that my experiences here are so few and far between that I am hardly qualified to comment on it.

I should add that having a dog and liking dogs seems to be another common criterium used to define stereotypical manliness; I don’t fit in here. I have two cats and I have always loved cats. They are wonderful little companions and I don’t feel that my masculinity is compromised because I’d rather have cats than dogs. I don’t hate dogs, but I just wouldn’t be comfortable with having one. I don’t regret the fact that I never had one as a child.

Lastly, I will say that I am not into building things. I have no power tools, and the tools that I do have are only for the most basic of maintenance, just a couple hammers, screwdrivers, etc.

With all of this said, one might say that I would score very low on the “manliness scale” based on the above criteria. On the other hand, I certainly don’t partake in most activities that women do. I think I fit into an altogether different catagotry of manhood since I have never questioned my masculinity and I feel very secure in the fact that I am male, but at the same time I don’t meet most of the criteria that seems to define “manhood.”