short version: friends for 30 years. I am getting old and shaky, she helps me with stuff around the house (I am a widow, live alone, little bit of money, want to clean out the place and move). We have always been there for each other, we don’t have anyone else nearby,. No. No big jolly network of friends and loving relatives all gathered ’ round neath the Christmas tree or anywhere else. …So she was working at drugstore where they treated her just horrible, all toxic, mean mean mean to her, and she after 5 years said, enough. So instead of quitting, she went to the dr. and got a statement saying she could be out for 2 weeks…she was planning on getting this renewed for 12 weeks according to the ‘drugstore handbook’ , She went to the dr. today, they said they never ran into this kind of thing. before…I think she wants to get on ‘disability’ (she gets food stamps, Section 8 for housing, she wants to work but not there)…You know, I really don’t know what to say to her. She has been doing OK for several years, living on the edge. We have all been encouraging, I have lent her money (which she has ALWAYS ALWAYS paid back ASAP, she is VERY very responsible). We eat together often because, me, money. She is very needy, very hyper, came from a horrible dysfunctional family, her two daughters moved out 10 yrs ago and haven’t talked to her since. She is just a big. awful. mess. But she is a good person, very responsible, uneducated but not stupid, I love her like a sister.,…and here she is failing again. (Her ex-husband said, ‘you are going to fall flat on your face.’ After 10 years, yeah, here we are again. She is in her 50’s now. She tries and tries so hard, but she is like, cursed. …I can’t let her go and say ‘sink or swim’…we are like sisters. I love her, but am so tired of eternal chaos…my basic question: What can I do about her? I have a little money. Though she is on Medicaid, do you think if I called a social worker would they be able to help her? Should she get a social worker? Is that the way to go? … I just don’t know what to do. I do NOT want her to move in with me. It might come to that someday, unless I can clean out and sell this shit hole my husband died and left me. …anything?
Bolding mine. Does this mean she no longer works and is now unemployed? If so, what is she doing for an income and if not, does she plan to keep working at that employer or find something new? If she truly dislikes her job now is the time to find a new one, everyone is seemingly hiring. If she actually worked in a pharmacy then she likely has some skills that would be valuable to any pharmacy looking to hire staff. The fact that she wants to work is good.
As for what you should do… first, ask yourself what does she need? Is she at risk of homelessness? Is going hungry? Going without medications? You said
What does this mean? You mention in the title she’s having “mental problems” but don’t really specify what her symptoms / behaviors are. It doesn’t sound, from what you wrote, that she’s in any acute distress or danger but rather going through a rough patch of life – which may sound pithy, but I hope you understand where I’m coming from. A social worker will likely not be able to do anything unless she is in immediate danger and even then they are limited. They might be able to recommend a wellness check, but it’s not like they’re going to swoop in and rescue someone from poverty and mental illness.
So I suppose the first thing to do is to ask yourself, what does she need? You may not be able to answer that. Further, what she needs you may not be able to provide and she may not be willing to accept. But analyzing that would be a very good place to start.
Why do her daughters refuse to speak to her? That right there is very telling.
[Moderating]
Moving to IMHO.
she came from a horrible dysfunctional family. Ugly divorce when daughters were teens, they moved out and were done, done, done with her. She had some money, blew through it all on rent and living. Applied for welfare help, got on section 8, food stamps, part time job at the drugstore…She is a cashier, and after 5 years said she had ENOUGH of them for many many reasons - toxic workplace, never wants to go back. … Out with a dr. note for 2 wks, and now…doesn’t know what to do…I told her stay out and let them fire her, she can at least get unemployment…I said, get a new job! … doesn’t like to drive in the winter. Doesn’t have a computer to get online to apply for a job. Just. boo hoo hoo, the world is against me!!! … I just don’t know what to do or say, I think she wants to get on SSI and thinks a dr. note will do it . I dread her phone calls now. So NEEDY. So cry cry cry woe is me, look what they’re doing to me at work. I don’t ever want to go back there, they are so so so mean and treat me terrible… ???
Does she want help?
Because if she doesn’t there is pretty much nothing you can do. From your last post, it doe not sound like she wants your help. She just wants you to smile, nod and support her choices no matter how bad they may be.
No, she want she wants help. She NEEDS help. I have been smiling an nodding for years. Right now, she doesn’t want to ever go back to that job, and I think she wants to go on SSI for mental stess (?) …not sure,…this is why I’m asking…Would getting her a social worker to un-fuck her life a little, is that a feasible idea? … She does have some mental problems. She has struggled mightily to get by after losing her marriage/children/house…she just flounders, no idea what to do to get a life. I love her like a sister, but I don’t want her to move in with me! I want to help - beyond my ability, …asking, would hooking her up with a social worker or counselor of some type help?
This frightens me. You need to have that embroidered or something. You don’t want that…you’re absolutely correct. She’ll never leave and at some point (IANAL) I suspect she’ll have rights to stay there.
Maybe she could call 2-1-1. They can hook her up to social services that will help.
And let me guess: nothing is her fault?
I have friends and family like this. Their lives are always chaos. Bad Things™ are always happening to them, through “no fault of their own” (according to them). They’re a victim of everything: victim of their family members, victim of their employer, victim of their friends, victim of the government and “The System,” victim of their bad health, victim of their landlord, victim of this, victim of that. They are very tiring to be around.
If she was working at all until a few weeks ago, getting on disability will be a huge boulder to push uphill and likely to take years if it succeeds at all. Apply, wait, denied, appeal, wait, denied……for multiple cycles. Her best bet is is search for another job with the intent of making a go of it with her new employer who will probably be very glad to have her.
Very few people like to drive in winter-that’s not a disability nor should it be. Download public transit information for her and hand it to her. Lots of people walk, bus or carpool to work.
Every public library I know of has computer for clients to use to apply for jobs, complete with staff that will help. Download your library info for her and hand it to her. Do not let her use your computer/WiFi-it’ll became your job to help her find a job. Establish clear boundaries and stick to your guns! Repeat that to yourself daily.
Her state job office no doubt has workers who will assist her in job searches, especially if she is an older worker. Her Food Stamp office and/or the Section 8 office probably also has resources for her-point her at them. She should check with the Unemployment office too.
BBB, you give the best advice in these situations. 
@salinqmind1, listen to her.
Rule number 1: You can’t do for her, what needs doing, in her life. Because what needs doing MUST come from her. You should point that out, as often as required. Acknowledge she may be looking for someone to ‘fix’ things for her, but you’re NOT a fixer!
She is very clearly looking to become a dependent, makes sure it’s not on you!
You can make suggestions, offer advice, show her choices and sign posts! Remind her often that’s all you’re capable/comfortable/willing to contribute.
You are right to recognize that you’re at a threshold moment in your relationship. Remember you’re entitled to go as slowly or carefully as you need to!
Good Luck!
Bingo. … Victim, victim, victim. Scared, scared, scared. Scared of this, scared of that. It IS very tiring to listen to. The whole job thing is crazy, I said just don’t show up and let them fire you, you can get unemployment. I said, start applying for other jobs. I said, you have a car, you live in snow country, you have to drive it to GET to another job…other things, too. She can’t be alone. She has no hobbies or interests . She calls everyone - ‘what are you doing? what are you eating tonight? I have to go to the store when I get my food stamps, I don’t know what to buy or what to cook. I hate eating alone.’ That last maddens me! She’s 50 some years old, all I hear is ‘I don’t know what to buy or what to cook, I hate eating alone’. (I have no problem, I mean, just look at me!) …she did suddenly admit last night she talked to a counselor this week at the dr.'s recommendation. But she ‘rubbed me the wrong way’ and is ‘prying into my past’, and ‘they want to put me on medication! oh no, oh no!’… So she’s going to fight that?..I said, ask for another counselor! And no one can help you if you won’t cooperate!..I know I’m rambling here, it’s so stressful . Always a crisis. If not a crisis, grumbling about her lousy life, a list of things to be afraid of.
I agree with all this. And also remember you have a right to your own happiness and peace of mind, and asserting that right does not make you a selfish person. You are not in an effective position to help someone if you find that person draining your mental health and energy, and you need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself first. From my perspective, in this kind of relationship, it is important to establish boundaries like making sure you have enough time to yourself. That said, be prepared for pushback or possibly having to cut the person out of your life for at least a little while.
Therapy and psychiatry would be a good first step for her, but I understand given her financial and work situation that it’s, unfortunately, probably not going to be an easy option for her. (And it sounds from your last post like she’s not interested in medication that may be helpful for her.) Unfortunately, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. You say upthread she wants help, but her actions seem to indicate she really doesn’t – or rather, that she is still in somewhere around the “pre-contemplative” and “contemplative” stages of change. She has to find a way to see for herself that the costs of not seeking and persuing help are greater than the potential benefits of doing so. It’s hard to come to that point mentally. But, basically, it boils down to: “do I just want to continue living like this until I die, and blame the world for being mean to me (the world doesn’t care about you or me – it’s a harsh reality, but it’s also freeing) or do I want to take a chance and try something different. What do I have to lose?”
And listening and empathy is of course necessary, but there is a danger in retreading old ground without input or perspective from the person being vented to, in validating unhelpful thought patterns in the venter. There have been a few studies about this in that simply always agreeing and empathizing with the person or having them rehash old traumas without a request for advice or perspective from the other strengthens the neural pathways of those thought patterns and just reinforces these thought (and emotional) patterns.
Oh, I sympathize too much, I think. I’m very familiar with her dysfunctional family (not in her life any more) and she rehashes sad tales of watching domestic violence and alcoholism killing brothers and a narcissistic old mother who kept her as a virtual slave. I think that messed her up, but if I suggest maybe she should talk to a counselor, it’s all. ‘I don’t need a stranger to talk to, they want to drug me, they don’t need to know my business’ - resisting! The whole world is against her! Nothing good ever happens! She gives and gives with all of her big loving heart and gets nothing back from the cruel world!..after a while, I just don’t want to hear any more…is this just a rough patch or is it the beginning of the end, where she ends up homeless, or living in a rented room somewhere with no car, or dead from the covid? That’s another thing, super-scared of the covid!
I’m not sure that she can get unemployment if they fire her for not showing up. If someone is fired for cause (like not showing up), then they generally aren’t eligible for unemployment.
It sounds like she wants someone to solve all her problems, and especially the problems she creates for herself. There is no “cure” for her. It will be a never-ending series of problems and issues that she will want help with. If you are there for her, she will take advantage of whatever help you give her. How much help and how you feel about it is up to you. If you give everything of yourself, she will take it all. If you are not comfortable with that, figure out some boundaries and stick to them.
As for the “toxic workplace” and the “mean counselor”, that’s likely not really true. It sounds like she is a difficult employee and person to be around. Rather than realize that she needs to make changes, it’s easier to just blame these external entities as being the problem. It’s probably better for you just to commiserate rather than try to offer solutions that she won’t do anyway. She needs to figure out her own solutions. Get used to saying “Mmm Hmmm… That sounds terrible… Oh my… That sounds awful…” when she talks about her problems. You can still be there to support her, but don’t feel like it’s up to you to solve her problems or save her.
I’ve come to look at these kinds of situations as roughly equivalent to money.
I struggle to learn the valuable lesson that you should never loan money to a person close to you. If you can’t afford to give it to them, then just say no.
The person, the situation, the relationship you describe sounds like a friend who always needs money from you. To the extent that you have it to give, you don’t care if it ever results in the payoff this friend seeks, and you truly don’t care if it ever comes back to you, then it’s rather harmless to give it.
But if that ‘money’ is in relatively short supply in your life, or if you can’t just kiss it goodbye, or if it does and will trouble you to see it just pissed away … it sounds like the result will be a zero sum game – in order for your friend to ‘win,’ you’ll have to lose.
Also remember that “No” is often a complete sentence/thought/response. Others here are right: boundaries. You have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first.
The SDMB isn’t normally an advice column but the OP @salinqmind1 is clearly hurting. Rather than focus on your friend I’m going to focus on you.
Your friend sounds depressed but so do you! No “jolly” friends in town, no money, some fears of being exploited, you’re overwhelmed with clearing out your own home, and yet you’re quite dependent on your friend as you get “old and shaky”. And now she’s going belly up while you look on, feeling like you “should” somehow act, or fix something.
But you will not be a good friend unless you are coming from a strong place yourself. It’s possible that all her drama, “needy and hyper” as you put it, is actually sucking you dry. That strong place will help you set boundaries because you can’t fix someone else’s life for them. It’s similar to a family member who refuses to get sober. You can’t do it for them.
So the first person who needs a social worker is you… to help you chart a course here, and get some moral support.
I’ve been depressed and unhappy for so long. I am feeling overwhelmed. I could probably use a social worker myself, what do you think I should say if I make a few calls? I’m not an at-risk senior - yet!
She would be helped by getting a counselor that is not you. For both of you.