I’m sorry you and your friend are having such a rough time, but I agree that you have to come first.
I think government social workers can only work with people under a certain income, but I would say call them anyway and at least they could point you in the right direction if you don’t qualify.
It sounds like your friend would qualify for a social worker, but what she needs most is a doctor that can diagnose her condition(s). Besides getting the medical help she needs, a doctor is the first step in determining if she is eligible for disability. Without a doctor’s backing, I think her chances go way down.
Wish I had more helpful advice. Good luck to both of you.
So much good advice and so many excellent suggestions here! I’ll just add these:
• Your friend is a heapin’ mass o’ issues, all right, but she sounds extremely dependent to me, one of those poor souls who spend their lives unmoored and looking for an anchor. Everything you’ve said about her amounts to her saying, in effect, “Help! I can’t do life! I can’t do anything by myself!” Her many twisted issues mean she can’t find someone to permanently attach herself to because nobody could stand dealing with all that 24/7.
•As BippityBoppityBoo said, the odds of her getting on SSDI are negligible. It’s VERY difficult to get on disability for mental health issues. I talked to an SSDI caseworker about this once. She said in addition to specific diagnoses, the applicant needs to prove good-faith trials of medications haven’t worked. A doctor’s word alone isn’t sufficient.
•Frankly, therapy probably won’t help because a) she is looking for someone to fix everything, not someone to help her fix herself and b) a therapist won’t allow her to attach herself to the therapist and c) as she’s said, they’d want to put her on meds, which wouldn’t jibe with her need to get sympathy and attach herself to someone. It sounds like she’s been to therapy before and either quit or was fired by her therapist. You cannot fix her.This is the grim reality. Be sympathetic, be caring, but try to maintain a therapist’s emotional distance.
Now let’s talk about you:
You deserve a better life than the one you’re living. Is it fair to say your main problems are depression, loneliness, and physical limitations such as shakiness, and that those in turn cause you to feel overwhelmed? If so, those are very common issues among people who are aging. There are therapists who specialize in helping people with aging-related issues. You can find one online or by contacting your local Counsel on Aging.
You need a better lifeline than your poor friend. With the right guidance and support, you really can build a fulfilling life for yourself.
I know a 21 year-old who sounds like your friend, except maybe a little more actively annoying. He’s got a shitty past, and helping him in any way is like throwing resources into a void. He won’t take advice, is not accountable, feels entitled to everything, and has been shit on his whole life by everybody while conveniently not reflecting on the people in his life who have in fact supported and encouraged him for years. It’s easy to understand why he is broken. His mom is in prison forever, his bio dad was worse but isn’t incarcerated yet, his step dad is … unreliable. For his entire childhood he was a pawn in a constant string of criminal activity (shoplifting mule, substance delivery, etc.) and he was beaten fairly regularly.
Nevertheless, as sad as all that is–dude’s broken and likely unfixable. He will only ever be his own problem. He will not see that he has his youth, that he is blessed with at least average intelligence, is a really good artist, and that he is entirely in control of his life as he has no debts (that anyone is interested in pursuing). I say “will not” see, but I believe (without evidence) that he simply “cannot” see. It’s easy to get your head around being blind when you’ve got no eyeballs, so it makes sense you’ll have a more difficult time with independence in a world built for the sighted. It’s tougher to understand the mental damage that prevents someone from functioning because you can’t see the problem. But for his whole life the only way he could survive was to abandon any amount of self-determination, and do exactly (and ONLY) what he was told. That is the only thought process that has proven itself useful in his quest to simply make it through the day. And of course, that is the opposite of what is needed if you want to be a functional human being.
Sorry for all that. But I wanted to draw the picture so that YOU could better understand you are no more capable of helping your friend function than you are able to give working eyes to a blind woman. As a good person, you can give for as long as you can do so without building resentment. But you can’t give anything if you lose your marbles. See to your needs first.
A lot of communities have agencies with low- to no-cost counselors. The library, or any local mental health hotline, can probably point you toward one.
Thank you all for the advice. It’s the only advice I’m getting, I am so alone in all this. I don’t know why I am so shook up about this now, been through stuff as bad or worse with her in the past.
Don’t be alone. Get help for yourself. Seek it out. Great advice above; YOU need to be in better shape before you can even think about helping anyone else.