Asking for a daughter's hand in marriage

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I proposed on Deb’s birthday and surprised her with a ring. (By then there was no question we were going to get married, but we hadn’t made any official declarations.) She was visiting Ohio on the occasion. So the following weekend, I trekked up to Michigan and we told my Mom, then we journeyed over to her folks’ house where I asked her Dad for her hand, to which he replied, “She’s a grown up; ask her yourself.”

It was pretty much of a formality; the engagement didn’t hang in the balance and we were already old, but with the courtship being long distance, her folks and I had not really gotten to know each other and I thought it would be a nice gesture.

22

Nope.

As a matter of fact, I told my then FIL to “Fuck Off” when he tried to lay a guilt trip on me for not ever calling them. Really my actuall words were “Listen dude, I hardly even know you. I don’t even make it a habbit to call my best friends just to chat. IF you have issues with ‘us’ not calling; I sugest you take that up with your daughter. click”

FTR father was an abusive dick to my ex when she was a child. So I really didn’t feel too bad about snapping at him like that.

23

I got engaged last February to my partner of nine years. He asked my dad because he knew my dad would like to be asked.

Whilst I completely agree that it’s not necessary these days, it was a lovely gesture and made my dad feel special, so I’m glad he did it.

24

I’d ask for a blessing, sure. If he didn’t give it, fuck him.

'Course, I tend not to ask questions if I suspect the answer will be negative.

'Tis better to ask forgiveness than to seek permission.

25

I think this is really the key.

If you are both in love
and her dad likes you a lot already
and you know it would flatter the old man and maybe make him feel really good and proud
and the daughter doesn’t mind

Then I see no harm in it.

If he’s inclined not to give permission, don’t ask. If it upsets her, don’t ask!

26

Well, he asked, my Dad said yes and then later (when we were alone) my Dad harangued me about how I was too young to get married and why did I want to do this etc.

We were 24; we had dated for 7 years on and off, and we had an 18 month engagement.
I was irked by my Dad’s saying ok to my fiancee and then dumping on me.

At 24, I probably WAS too young to get married, but I only see that now at 43!

27

I asked my wife’s father if I could marry her - basically informing him of my intentions and then asking for his blessing on said intentions. This was all done by letter, since I didn’t know the man as he lived 1000 miles away, and I had always expressed myself better in writing than verbally. Long story short, I earned his respect by doing so, and have it to this day.

28

After I’d already proposed to my wife and she accepted, I called up my FIL-to-be and asked him for his daughter’s hand in marriage, in exactly this spirit.

Since he’s almost as much of a smartass as I am, his reply was that I couldn’t take just her hand; it had to be all or nothing.

I get along pretty well with my FIL. :slight_smile:

29

That’s what Mrs. D. and I did. I proposed to her and then a few days later I was at her parents hosue for dinner and that was when we told them and asked for their blessing.

30

This reminds me of a funny story about my aunt and uncle.

My uncle was in my grandfather’s woodshop with my grandfather, building a cabinet or some such. My uncle asks my grandfather for permission to marry his daughter. His responce?

“If you can stand her, you can have her.”

31

This summarizes how I feel about it. I’m not in danger of playing any of the roles in such a scenario anytime soon - but I like the idea of some sort of communication before an engagement is widely announced that says to the parents, “We’re making an important decision and you’re important to us”.

(Unless of course the parents are jerks and the couple isn’t hoping to forge a close and loving relationship with them)

32

I went through the effort of checking (Asking) my FIL prior to asking my wife. He and I both enjoyed the conversation, and it gives us something to remember in the future. I walked outside with him and said “FIL, I want to marry your daughter.” I showed him the ring, told him my plan for asking, and asked him to keep it a secret. He wanted to tell MIL, but I told him that it was classified, top secret, and all that.

Not only did he say that was “just fine with him,” but he kept the secret for an entire week! Didn’t even tell his wife! He is still so proud that he was able to keep this news under his hat. He did, however, wake his wife up at 5:30AM, after Mrs. Butler & I had departed for a long weekend away, to tell her “Mrs. Butler is getting engaged today.”

Of course when we called them later that evening, they knew what was coming, but it made it all the better when MIL asked, "So, how was your day??? :smiley: :smiley: :cool: " all so casually.

Of course, Mrs. Butler got violently ill during the trip, so we came home early, but that’s a tradition on any trips away from home.

33

I’m confused. Have you lot seen this thread ?

34

:slight_smile: I’ve been thinking of a way to post this, without raising the irk and ire of all the female posters on the board, and getting my head handed to me on a platter. However, each time I’ve written this, no matter how hard I try, I keep writing things that are going to get me in trouble. So please, take this in the spirit its meant.

If a woman comes from a happy, healthy family, with a father that loves and cares for her, I believe that it is a sign of respect and honor to ask her father for permission to marry his daughter. As a father, your first duty is to protect and love your children, keep them safe, and make sure they grow up to be the best person they can be. Its a heck of a job, and if you ask any good father, its something that keeps you on your toes. When you get married, you become your spouse’s advocate, friend, and protector. Your role is now to ensure your wife or husband is happy, healthy, and protected, and the two of you become the most important person in each others’ lives. However… and this is the tough part… your father’s role in keeping you happy is now diminished after decades of being enforced. And Daddies want to keep Making Sure that Their Litttle Baby Girl is well protected. :slight_smile:

Asking for permission to marry his daughter is a chance for the two men to sit down, acknowledge the huge change in the relationship, and to start to get to know each other. If they’ve had a long time to get to know each other, and they both know that the female in question will be taken care of well, then its a chance for a sly joke or a handshake to show that the father knows his baby girl will be taken care of, and that the new husband knows that the father approves of him and likes him. Its a chance for the men to have a private moment, and have a small amount of bonding and respect between the two of them.

Now, if the father is an ass, or has abused the kid, or has not lived up to his responsibilites as a father, then he is in NO way due this moment of honor and respect between the two men. If the future son-in-law is a slimy little git that doesn’t show the daughter respect, or live up to his responsibilities to help support and protect his future wife, or is an abusive ass, then they too are not due this honor. (however, hopefully, the father has already helped his daughter steer clear of such an ass…)

In a perfect world, its a chance for two honorable and good men to sit down and have a moment together, both giving each other a very rare chance to see the true inner emotions of each other. Men don’t usually talk about this stuff - and its a chance for the father to tell the son in law how much the daughter means to him, and that he’s glad to have such a great son-in-law to take care of the daughter. Its also a chance for the son-in-law to let the father know how much he loves his daughter, and that he’d do anything to make her happy and keep her safe.

Its an honorable ritual. One of the few that men actually get involving the wedding and matrimony.

You may feel its outmoded and an offense to you. But its really a great honor, and a sign of immense respect. However, if both your father and your fiance know how you feel, then out of respect for the both of you, they’ll probably forego this. But in my opinion, it lessens one of the few times that men have a chance to show respect and honor to each other, and it loses probably the only little bit of tradition in the wedding hullabaloo that the two men can share that DOESN’T involve the father handing his daughter over during the wedding processional.

Personally, I can’t tell you how offended I would be if my fiance asked me NOT to participate in this, or assumed that I would not participate in this. It gives me a chance to talk to my future father-in-law, one-on-one, which doesn’t happen much. I would have to explain to my fiance how much this meant to me - and then hopefully out of love and respect, she’d allow me to do this. :smiley:

(Please don’t be offended by any of the above. Its only my opinion, and is no way intended to denigrate or offend you. You asked a question - and I answered :slight_smile: )

35

Well, Himself asked for my Dad’s “blessing”, so to speak. I left the room that time, because I get embarrassed, but I’ve been present for a couple of these conversations.

Basically, he asks if they would have any objections to our getting married, or if they thought it was a good idea.

But Himself didn’t just ask my Dad & Stepmom, he also asked my Mom, his Mom & Stepdad, his Dad, his Sisters (I’m an only child) and, most importantly of all, my daughter.

He hasn’t quite gotten around to asking me, yet. :slight_smile: We discuss it, but in more of a general sense. I’ve told him that I won’t consider us engaged until he says the “magic four-word sentence.” But it’s gonna happen. We’ve been together almost 4 years. Of course, we’re also both in our mid-thirties, and are both divorced, so I think it’s different from when you’re either younger or it’s your first marriage.

36

Yup. I also noticed it was started after this one.

37

I talked to my lady first. She thought it might not be a bad idea.

A few days later, I had a talk with both her mom and dad, and told them that I was planning on proposing. They expressed their approval, and appreciation that I spoke with them first. Like many others, it wasn’t about “permission” per se, because I was going to propose regardless. It seemed polite and respectful.

38

This i think is critical and way more important. Good on you both.

Noelq, on the contrary, I think that was a lovely post. Thank you.

39

My ex-FIL made a half-serious comment about that once. He said in a kind of pouty way, “You never asked for my daughter’s hand before you married her.” We looked at each other and laughed at him. Then I added, completely gratuitously, “We were getting married. Her hand wasn’t going to be that important any more.”

Her two younger sisters both had husbands who’d asked for her hand, though. One was very young, and the other was kind of sucking up to him.

40

I’m not particularly offended at your thoughts, and I think the idea of asking for a blessing is fine, should a man or woman be so inclined. However, look at this larger paragraph I’ve quoted. You do note that it’s any one person’s job to look out for their spouse-gender unimportant. Yet, you make a fuss about dads protecting daughters, and say not a word about sons or mothers, who have just as much a duty to their children as fathers do. This is a huge part about why it gets so offensive. This world has a history of women being property, and it gets to a lot of us that some symbols of that are still codified and fully expected. I am not my father’s property, and a wedding isn’t a ceremony wherein I’m transfered to my husband’s estate. No woman is, and these are leftovers of that sort of attitude. I’ve no problems if other women want their fiancees to speak to their dads, but it wasn’t for me. If I’d thought about a blessing rather than a “may I” it might have interested me, but since I did the asking it still would have felt odd.

I often get what I consider to be a ridiculous amount of admiration or shock when people find that I proposed, and not a soul asks me if I spoke to my future Father in Law, or as perhaps a better parallel, my future Mother in Law. Why not? Because men haven’t ever been property. If they were marriage-age, they were their own person.

I guess I’m just asking you to consider this: I posted here before you did, and I expressed my feelings that it wouldn’t have been okay for my husband to ask my father’s permission to marry me. I mentioned that I didn’t even consider asking my In-Laws’ permission to marry him. I’m assuming you read my post just as much as you did every other woman who said, “No, I wouldn’t like that”, and even you did not say to me, “Well you should have asked your Mother in Law for her permission to marry her son, though I understand you may have had your reasons why you didn’t.” If it’s such a gesture of respect between men, why did you (apparently) not even consider the gesture between women?