Even if you pull off suave and professional in the face of rejection - she may FREAK THE HELL OUT with the suggestion. She may have been the victim of sexual harassment or even assault by a coworker in the past, or have sexual abuse in her past history. Work may be a “safe” place for her.
Or she may just not be comfortable. She may start to wonder if you’ll pull the “nice guy” thing - hanging around, being her “friend” and waiting until…
Or she may worry that although you are behaving well, you are actually one of those guys who thinks she’s a horrible bitch for rejecting you, and that you’ll start to torpedo her at work behind her back, while acting like everything is ok to your face.
Or she may handle it with grace and class - but you only get to control how you handle it - and you aren’t even sure of that.
I agree that putting yourself out there and going on some dates is a good idea. It may not sound “fun”, but that’s besides the point. Send out resumes is not fun, but it’s what you gotta do if you want a job. Going to the gym isn’t fun, but it’s what you have to do if you want to be fit.
If you can find an employee handbook from any US company that defines sexual harassment as including a solitary request for a date, I’ll eat my hat. Your brother is probably living the good life now, with all the suing for lost wages he can do.
At will employment in most situations. They can let him go because he looks funny, much less because someone they feel is more valuable to the company than he is has been made uncomfortable.
And coming on to a woman in an elevator might be one of the worst places if the woman is a victim of sexual abuse. I had a guy (who is now a friend of mine) flirt with me in a small room with a closed door - and I spent a decade avoiding him because he creeped me the hell out. Even if he wasn’t coming on to her, but that is what she perceived. (My friend wasn’t coming on to me, he was flirting with me in what he saw as an innocent way with no intentions (he was, and still is, married) - and I, the recent survivor of sexual abuse, found threatening and scary .
Some companies do have no-fraterization policies - where, yes, asking her out on a date could be cause for dismissal.
Fraternization and “I don’t like your face” dismissal are different than sexual harassment, which is associated with pretty specific behaviors. I don’t think there is any value in men feeling like they are going to get fired for looking at a woman funny, and I think these kinds of urban legends give people cover for dismissing the impact of actual sexual harassment.
On the one hand, I consider a first date (going out for coffee) as just an audition for a second date. On the other hand, dating a co-worker can be dangerous.
As a hedge, do you get breaks at work? Maybe manage to show up at the break room the same time she does? It’s not a real date, but it’s still an opportunity to get to know someone better.
I doubt he was let go with a clear “sexual harassment” reason myself. I suspect he interpreted that based on his perception of what he experienced. But none of us were there or know exactly what he was told when he was told to clean out his desk.
But companies DO have no fraternization policies (they aren’t at all uncommon when there is a reporting relationship - less common within a department - rare company wide) because they provide a shield against sexual harassment suits. When a company has such a policy, enforcement can involve letting someone go for asking for a date, since such an action would mean intent to violate the policy.
Policies, in most corporations I’ve been in - are selectively enforced. If they are looking for an excuse to walk you out the door, some obscure policy can be dredged up about not locking your computer when going to the restroom to do so. If they want to keep you, you can do anything short of actually getting caught with kiddie porn on your computer. I used to write IT policies - standard boilerplate, even for the stupidest of infractions - was “disciplinary action up to and including termination.”
Everyone’s advice has been helpful and much appreciated, but ultimately it all went out the window. After a really nice conversation at the end of work today, she asked me out! I don’t know if some kind of benevolent message board deity somehow arranged this fortune, but I’m floating on clouds right now.
Typing it out now, I can see how it might feel anti-climactic after all that deliberation, but that’s how it is. And I’m quite OK with it
Still, I’m happy for all the replies because they helped me keep a level head. Thanks all, and please wish me luck.
Well, hold on, not necessarily a lie…it could be a misinformed limp-dick HR manager/supervisor who didn’t know jack about the law; since the brother didn’t take it further, the facts/law seem to be moot.
