Punky. What do you want?
WHAT? What do you want?
I’m sorry, I can’t sit down and give you scritches right now.
Will you survive? Yes, you will. You will survive until I can sit down and pet you. 
Jasmine, you wanna go for a walk? Well, duh, of course you do. 
God only knows what I’ll ask the bird that just found me. :dubious:
Kitty, why do you bite?
What, kitty? Mmrrrroooww?
Do you want cat food?
Do I feel a purr?
I tend to ask new feline friends really inappropriate questions for cats, like whether they had to go to work that day, etc.
I dunno. Why do you ask questions of the imaginary people in your computer?
Who’s the first kitty I see???
Oh look, who’s this little kitty?
Who’s the fat girl cat here?
Oh lookee Cuervo, who’s the best Cuervo in the whole world??
Is that Boo? Is that my Marty Boo?
Who’s a hungry kitty, huh, who needs fooders?
I mean, if I talked to my cats, I imagine it’d be like that.
What are you doing, ferrets?
Where are my keys, ferrets?
Where is the remote, ferrets?
Where are my keys, ferrets?
Where is my shoe, ferrets?
Where are the KEYS, ferrets?
Where did my eraser go, ferrets?
Where’s the OTHER SHOE, ferrets?
Where did you hide the TOILET PAPER?!
KEYS! WHERE ARE THE KEYS?! FERRETS!
FERRETS!!!
Alright! Who farted?
I do because one’s a Maine Coon and he asks me questions. If anyone else has one, you know what I mean.
We ask Mr. Fattles how his stocks are doing.
He’s sitting here purring and farting. purr <ptttt> purrr <ptttt!>
A dialogue with Susie:
ME: Hello, Susie. Where would you like to go?
SUSIE: Ouuuuut.
ME: No, sorry, you can’t go outdoors anymore. When do you want your dinner?
SUSIE: Nowwwww.
ME: Susie, what’s the name of Fidel Castro’s brother?
SUSIE: Rauuuuul.
ME: Hey, Susie, who’s that pretty girl in the mirror?
SUSIE: Wow!
Hee!
I usually get “who the hell cares, I’ve got your lap to myself!”
I used to occasionally suggest to my cats that they try to go out and get a job to help pay for their food. This was greeted with the disdain it deserved, of course.
My current cat comes into the living room to tell me that it’s time for me to get offline, turn off the TV, and go to bed. I tell him I’ll be a little longer, and he gives a final “Yeah, suuuuure” meow before going back to the bedroom.
God, yes. My beloved Maine Coon, Red, died two weeks ago. He was unquestionably smarter than me, and very assertive.
Talking to cats/dogs/ferrets isn’t too bad, after all, they can respond and vocalize, it’s time to worry when you start carrying on conversations with your fish…
they’re inside a glass box of water
they have no ears
all their behavior is driven by the “Food Now?” instinct
there’s no logical reason to anthropomorphize them, yet certain fish (Oscars, Puffers, most Cichlids, Siamese Fighting Fish) seem to enjoy interacting with their pet humans
many times Nova and Rocky (my two male crowntail bettas) will swim to the front of the tank and;
A; stare me down and try to guilt-trip me into feeding them
B; play “follow the finger on the glass”
C; Flare the “Gills of Terror” and try to scare me off, out of “their” territory (which seems to extend well beyond the walls of the tank)
occasionally, I get them to chase the beam from my laser pointer
My Boss brings her two little Yorkies into the office. They stay in her office, where she has a child’s gate.
I can stand there, say anything, and open the gate. No response. If I say “Go Out?” the dogs come running.
They definitely know my “Go Out?”
“Tara, don’t do that. Tara, stop it. Tara…don’t put that paper in your mouth. I said, don’t put that paper in your mouth! Don’t put that plastic in your mouth, either. Drop it. Tara, drop it. I said drop it. Tara, goddamnit, if I have to fish that thing out of your throat…good, now drop it. Tara T. Cat! God, you are so bad!”
I always feel really dumb when I get to that point. Even if she could understand me, she would absolutely ignore me.
I also ask questions.
“Hey, Tara, how was your day?”
blink
“That good, huh? What did you do? Torment Willow?”
Meow
“Ahh. Well, that sounds fun. Are you hungry?”
Who has pretty blue eyes, Susie?
I ask my meezer “Whose kitty are you?” and she makes a vocalization that sounds exactly like “Mama!” She doesn’t think that Mama means female human parent, she thinks it means “Pet me!” or “Gimme some of that good food!”
To Maggie:
“Are you in there harassing Gypsy and/or Noel again?”
“How can such a tiny cat make such a huge stink?” (Maggie’s not much bigger than she was when she was a kitten)
“What IS it with you and being held? Why do you scream like a banshee and keep kicking and struggling?”
To Buffy:
“Why must you crawl all over my bed when I’m trying to make it, then take off once it’s made?”
“Why must you steal everyone’s food? No wonder you’re so damned fat.”
“Are we going to do some laundry now? Are you going to help me? Yes, you are such a good laundry helper! You are both such good laundry helpers!”
Actually, when we adopted our first dog, he had been a stray for a while; we took him to an animal behaviorist and she estimated that he had been on his own for several years at least. When we took him to obedience school, the instructor said that people shouldn’t talk to their dogs except for giving commands. She said that speaking to the dog should be reserved for when you need the dog’s full attention, or the dog will come to disregard you when you are giving a command.
So all the above posts “Who’s a good dog?” or “Where did I put my keys” or “Now we’re going to talk to Grandma on the phone” is counterproductive, according to the trainer.
However, this is one part of the training we chose to ignore. Our dog, having been traumatized in Dog knows what ways, needs reassurance and comfort, and we talk to him and his adopted sister all the time. We tell them they are beautiful and good and we are going to do the laundry now. I think if people are going to have pets and not talk to them, they’re cruel bastards.
I think your instructor was a doofus, Sigmagirl. I think you’re absolutely right. My dog LOVES when I talk to her.