At what age are you considered a loser if you still live at home?

In My Humble Opinion
61

That’s it, really. Living on your own means you have learned to see to all of the responsibilities that living on your own entails. You have cut the apron strings. And yes, that is very important to me to know.

It’s one of the reasons I don’t particularly like the idea of dating Indian men…it’s much more expected in my culture, to live with your parents. I have a serious problem with raising your kids expecting that they will take care of you as soon as they are financially solvent. And that seems to be the expectation in Indian culture.

62

If (God forbid) something happened to Mr. Neville and I were dating again, I’d evaluate someone still living at home on a case-by-case basis. It wouldn’t necessarily be a deal-breaker, but I don’t think I’d consider it a positive attribute in any case.

I’d be worried that, as our relationship got more serious (I always go into dating intending to start a serious relationship), his parents would be too involved in our lives as a couple. I’d be worried that he’d tell them stuff about our relationship or our finances that I’d prefer nobody know except us. I’d also worry that, if it came down to me or his parents, he’d side with his parents. I’d also worry that he had never considered any other way to live than what he was used to at home (in terms of house upkeep, cooking, who does what around the house, etc). I’d worry that he didn’t understand that I don’t want to spend every weekend and every vacation with either his family or my family. And I’d want him to know, in no uncertain terms, that his family dropping in on us was not OK under any circumstances where no one’s life is threatened.

Finally, I’d worry that we might not get along because I’m not close to my family. We’re not estranged or anything like that, but we don’t call each other every week or talk much about what’s going on in our lives. I wouldn’t tell them if I were having money trouble, for example, unless the only alternative to asking them for money was literally having the utilities turned off or having to live in the street. My family members aren’t even in the first group of people I’d tell if I were having relationship problems- I’d see a professional counselor a long time before I’d tell any of them about the problems. We don’t visit each other very often, even when we don’t live too far apart. I’m fine with that, and I know that other families are closer, and I’m fine with that, but I’d worry that I might not be compatible with someone from a family that was so different from mine.

For example, I’d have a really hard time in a relationship where, if there were a problem in the relationship, he talked to his parents about it without talking to me first. I’d feel betrayed, that my privacy was being invaded, and that he was prioritizing his relationship with his parents over his relationship with me. So I would never want to date someone who was that close to his family.

63

Wow, Anne’s like a reflection of me. Or maybe I’m a reflection of her!

64

So very true. My father and I can’t spend more than half a day in each other’s company without one or both of us killing the other, but when I moved out after college I never changed my cellphone billing address. I just never got around to it. Ten years later, every month I still get a copy of my bill from my dad, highlighted and annotated with possible concerns (“Is this number supposed to be called this much?! Do you still have your phone?! I think you can get a better long distance plan, I’ll call around.”) . It’s adorable, his little thing for the greater benefit of the family collective, his continued patronage in the face of diasporic American family life. Dude’s gonna be on his deathbead and still trying to itemize my monthly calls and figure out how I grew out of t-ball that fast.

65

That…is really cute.

66

YMMV, of course…

Twenty-seven, living with my parents. I finally made the decision when I had to have an expensive surgery without the benefit of insurance. I was already in debt, living paycheck to paycheck, and I had been since I graduated from college.

Surgeries number one and two have passed and I’m still at “home”. I have a full time job. I’m paying off my debts, getting my student loans and medical bills to a decent level, getting to a point where I can support myself properly again. Sure, I could have done all this living in my old apartment, but my parents were very keen on having me back at home and I stopped being able to find good reasons to stay gone.

I don’t regret it. I don’t necessarily want to stay, and certainly not forever, but once I’ve got my finances back at a reasonable level so I’m not eternally wading through the perpetual late-fee tango I’m out of here again.

67

That is a pretty big brush you’re tarring all Indian men and culture with. I’ve never been raised with the expectation that I exist for the sole purpose of supporting my parents. My parents can support themselves and are quite well off. If anything, they expected me to become financially successful for myself, not them (although I will admit that they are quite proud of the end result of all their bourgeois career brainwashing) They have, however, treated me lovingly and raised me and my sister in such a way that I would never allow them to sink into poverty if something drastic happened. It’s a mutual sacrifice based on love, not because we’re robots.

My parents respect about 99% of my boundaries. And the ones they don’t are so minor-like when they come to visit me and I’ll come home to find the apartment slightly rearranged to maximise for space or something. It’s not exactly the type of stuff that drives me batshit as I am not a super-highstrung type of person who gets histrionic if my father Tilexes all my coffee cups to a sparkling white (“See Anu! It cleans toilet bowls AND china!”) and my mother moves my coffee table and stacks my books under my futon.

Quite unlike Anne Neville, I do not date people who are not close to their families because I do not want to emotionally distance myself from my family to please the other person. When my sister married (a terrible fang-ridden woman-beating Indian man) her in-laws integrated quite well with my family and a large part of that is that my brother-in-law is close to and likes his family. I could not even begin to deal with someone who would get pissy about my dad calling for one of his 7 minute daily convos. I mean fuck, he’s old, I only have him for so much longer. I don’t mind talking to him every day and I’m not going to explain it to anyone.

While I seriously dislike the concept of bending children’s lives in a control freak manner to satisfy personal narcissistic needs and I agree that our cultural constructs give added leverage for this to happen, I wonder that you aren’t describing Indian culture in the worst way possible based on your personal history Anaamika. Indian culture places a great deal of emphasis on family and community and while that has its bad aspects (I mean, I hate the average Auntie more than you do probably) there are plenty of Indian men who do not beat their women before insisting they make them lamb biryani and scrub toilets and there are plenty of Indian families who actually give their children the best of Indian culture because they themselves do not have mental health issues.

On Moving Out:case-by-case basis…but I fricking hate mooches who are just sucking up resources rather than getting a proper education. I find that in my community people tend to reach launch status in their late 20s as almost everyone seems to be in finance or medicine (and now, law), so formal education finishes significantly later than described here. Most people, however, don’t live at home while they’re in grad school, but they DO tend to be somewhat financially dependent on their parents. However, after their schooling is complete…I’d say I’d raise an eyebrow at continuing to live with Mama and Papa. It screams of an inability to leave the comforts of your mom doing your laundry and cooking for you and I’d worry that someone WAY too used to that, without any break for independence, would expect me to be the same way. I find that people who have had at least a little break are more likely to think along the lines of helping out around the house whereas those individuals who move straight from the ancestral manse to the Nest of Connubial Bliss expect their wives to do everything.

I left the comforts of my parents sort of taking care of me in one way or the other after I finished law school. I haven’t lived at home for a significant period of time since I was 18, though.

There’s no way I’d stay with them now that I have a proper (completed) education and career. Occasionally I ruminate that I could save up a downpayment for a nice house if I did it just for 1 year…then I realise that it’s just going to feel better when I do it all myself.

68

I have a pair of friends.

One lived with his Grandmother until she passed away. He sponged off her the whole time. This was until age 38. He is clearly someone disconnected from normal reality and almost ended up homeless after she died. It took many of us, constant talking and helping to get him on his own feet and to stop feeling sorry for himself. He is debt free, working hard and putting some away in a 401K now, but he is still living in the same apartment he grew up in and still has some issues.

By almost any account, he is a loser except that he did manage to build up a large network of friends that cared about him enough to help him through his darkest time, without just handing him money to continue the terrible track he was on. Four of us actually worked together to help him.

My other friend still lives in the house he grew up in but by age, 27 he had the principle income support his Mom and Grandmom. He never moved out of the house except for four years in the Navy. His Mom just passed on last year. He owns the house and I do not consider him a loser in anyway as he kept both his Mom and Grandmother living much better than if they had to do it on their own.

Jim

69

I’m sort of formerly in the same boat/mindset as ParentalAdvisory and dawvee.

I was writing this long-assed post but I’ll just summarize. Because people like summaries.

My Parents: Kicked out of their broken homes early. Hate their parents because of it. Refused to do the same thing to their kids. Let us stay as long as we want. They like us and we like them.

Me: Almost 28, moved out when I was 26. Bought my own house, down the street from my parents. So now I have my own bills and my own crap to put up with and I’m oh-so-mature. And I like living near my parents because I like my parents. That is why when we all lived together it was just fine. It was like a house full of roommates (where 2 of the roommates paid all the bills)

My Brother: Almost 30. Just moved out last month. Had 2 failed attempts at moving out previously because he’s a bit irresponsible. Mom feels it’s her fault (she babied him) and thus was prepared to let him stay with her. He met a nice, independent, older woman (not too much older, like 6 years) and they fell in love, and now he’s moving in with her a few months before the wedding. She’s cool with paying the mortgage and having separate accounts. He’s grown up threefold since he started becoming a “regular fixture” at her place. He fixes things and grocery shops and all that good stuff. Works for them.

My Boyfriend: Almost 28. Lives at home. I have the suspicion that his parents want him around because they had lost their other child in an accident when she (and he) were very young. I can see parents holding on to their “surviving” child very tightly. He hates it. But it lets him go to school now. I think it’s beneficial to him to have them wanting him at home. He needs a responsible influence. I like that they keep an eye on him so I don’t have to. He’s a brilliant young guy with a lot of potential but just a penchant for making really bad decisions. He is much much much more concerned about him living at home than I am (I don’t care one bit).

My Cousin: 38(?), male, lives with his aunt, 14 year old cousin, and mom. Started as a convenience thing for all of them, money-wise, but now his mom is disabled and our aunt is disabled and he’s pretty much the “man of the house.” It’s a unique situation. I’m sure it makes it hard for him to get dates - but there’s always the “he’s taking care of family who needs him” sympathy angle. He’s in no way mooching monetarily - although sometimes I think he annoys my aunt by being around.

My Other Cousin: (other side of the family) 22, female. Single mom. Never lived away from home. Went to nursing school with her mom, they both graduated, she now makes more than mom and dad combined. She doesn’t pay rent, doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean. Hardly takes care of the baby. Doesn’t seem to appreciate that even though she’s a “single mom” she has 2 permanent babysitters. I consider her a “loser who lives at home” but apparently this has no effect on her love life as every time I see her she’s got a new guy toting around her kid.

Other Cousin’s Stepkids: 2 females, early 20’s. Live at home with my cousin (27!!) and his wife (older than 27). One baby, two more on the way. I can’t say everything I want to say about them in this small space. They make me want to smash things.

So there you have it. We’re a big family of losers who live at home too long. But as you see, compared to the rest of my clan, I do ok.

70

I moved out when I turned 18, struggled like crazy for several years, and moved back home when I was 22 so I could go back to school and hopefully get a decent job. Now I’m 25, and live on my own. Still in school, but that couple of years off from paying rent definitely helped me academic wise.

Personally, I wouldnt date a guy older than 25 who still lived off his parents. Assuming he wasn’t taking care of a sick relative or paying at least 50% of expenses, I would consider it slacking. If they’re not old enough to take care of themself, how could I expect them to take care of a family?

I dated a guy a few years back who was 27, still lived with his parents. He drove a sweet little car, took me out on great dates, and had tons of extra cash. I asked him if he was planning on getting his own place, and he said he couldnt afford it. His priorities were a little mixed up…we didn’t last much longer than that

71

Hell, that’s my idea of cooking and I’ve been living by myself for 13 years. :stuck_out_tongue:

72

I thought that my attitude toward family came from growing up in a half-Midwestern fairly-WASP family. Huh.

I wouldn’t date you, because we clearly want very different lifestyles. I don’t think the lifestyle you want is inferior to what I want, but I doubt it’s compatible with what I want. Just like I wouldn’t date someone to whom designer clothes and a big new SUV were important, or I wouldn’t date someone who insisted that I write it down every time I buy something. Nothing wrong with any of those things, but I don’t think I’m likely to be happy with someone who wants them, nor would they be happy with me.

I actually wouldn’t mind my partner’s talking to his parents every day, as long as he was OK with the fact that my family and I just don’t do that. And as long as you weren’t discussing matters that I think should stay between a couple. Mr. Neville talks with his family a lot more often than I do with mine (but not every day), and I’m fine with that.

See, I would think of that as a major disrespecting of my boundaries.

I’d be beyond furious if my parents did this even once. I’d be on the phone to the company to change the address so fast, I would emit Cerenkov radiation. When I know they are coming to visit, I make sure to put all the bank statements and bills somewhere where they’d have a really hard time finding them if they tried to snoop. I have absolutely no evidence that they would try to look at any of those things, but better safe than sorry.

73

I’m 24 and a few months away from moving out of my mother’s house. I went to college at the other end of the state, and, when graduation rolled around, I had two options. I could stay in the college town, get a $11/hour job with no benefits that would improve my career while I applied to grad school, and hope to get an apartment of my own, which was unlikely but necessary as I was tired of constantly cleaning up after a slob of a roommate. My other option was to move home, get a decent job, apply to grad school, and move back out to where I’d be attending grad school and living with my fiance (then boyfriend). At the time, he had just gotten out of one rough financial situation to move back home (not relevant to the story), so he was going to be saving up money and hoping to get a career-worthy job and/or get into a good graduate program.
I chose to move home for many reasons. 1. I was living paycheck to paycheck during college, and had no money to make a deposit on an apartment and wasn’t about to continue to live with the roommate I had. I had enough of being his personal housewife without any of the benefits or down-time. 2. I was already past wanting to stay in the college town that I had been in for four years. 3. I didn’t have a car, and just about any decent job in town required I had one. 4. Setting up an apartment in that area meant that there was going to be no way for me to save enough money for all the things I’d need to set up as a new graduate student in a new town, and I wasn’t interested in going to graduate school at the same university. 5. Neither my fiance nor I were interested in settling down in this area, as there was little opportunity for advancement, and none of it was in our respective fields.

Moving back home was a practical decision for me with a deadline. However, because I wasn’t supporting my mom or taking care of an invalid at home, I’m a loser. :rolleyes:

74

Parental Advisory, I have a long-term challenge for you - once you actually do move out on your own, come back to us and tell us that we were all wrong, that there is no difference between living with your parents and paying rent and helping out around the house, and looking after your own living arrangments and doing it all yourself. All of us who have done what you haven’t actually done yet are telling you it is different, but you don’t believe us, so I’ll leave it at that - experience it for yourself, and think back on this conversation then. You might be absolutely right; there may be no difference for you, but I don’t think it will go like that.

As for Girl in the OP, she doesn’t sound shallow to me at all. She sounds like someone who isn’t willing to compromise on what she probably has reason to suspect is an incompatibility. I’ve dated a couple of guys in my life who either lived at home or had trouble keeping jobs (or both), and yes, they were indeed losers. In the same circumstances as the OP, at 27, I had been on my own for 9 years already, and pretty much had it down pat. I would have had no interest in trying to date (and possibly tutor) someone who was so far behind me in small but critical life experiences.

Other than a cultural thing, this might be an age difference, as well. It sounds like most of the people who have little time for aging baby birds still in the nest are a little older, from a generation where it was not as common for adult kids to stay at home for prolonged periods. I was going to say that we didn’t have the problems of high rent/high mortgages that 20 year olds have now, but we were graduating school and college into a massively depressed job market, so I don’t think I’m going to buy that excuse for adult kids not moving out.

75

Sorry, y’all, but here’s another vote for “loser-ish after the age of about 25, and earlier than that if you’re not in school.” It’s just hard to present yourself as someone who is succeeding or moving forward in life when you are still living at home. There are obviously solid reasons to still live at home, including supporting your parents or entering into a true roommate situation, but IMO a lot of the reasons given indicate that the returning child is not succeeding. Can’t afford the deposit on my own place. Have been financially irresponsible and need some time to dig out. It’s easier for me having Mom and Dad pay the bills. I’d actually really like to move out but haven’t got around to it. And frankly I think almost everyone here recognizes this subtext of lack of success, because not one person who is (still, or again) living with their parents has said they intend to do so forever; they all acknowledge that it is appropriate to move out sometime, they just think that age should be older than however old they are right now.

Another issue that hasn’t been addressed but would have come into play when I was in my 20s, is that if I’ve just started dating you, maybe I don’t want to get to know your parents just yet. It’s not like roommates we can sit around and drink beer with, or ignore on the way to your bedroom. I will always feel like I’m being sized up every time I go home with you because you’re their son. Every conversation with them will be fraught with that “sitting around with his parents” anxiety, I will constantly know that we are in THEIR house and I’m unlikely to ever feel really comfortable there. And sex? Forget it. So there is a whole lot of “he lives with his parents” baggage that doesn’t have to do with the guy specifically, but has to do with the fact that he just doesn’t have a place of his own.

But that would have been then. Now I’m 37 so if I’m dating a guy who’s living at home, he better have moved back home to take care of his sainted momma. Date a guy who’s never left home? No way.

76

It’s not really about snooping, which I don’t tolerate either, but I guess I didn’t convey that very well.

77

I think after 25 most people should live separately from their parents except when they are taking care of their parents or they have some condition where their parents need to take care of them. I do not consider people who live with their parents losers, but I would not seriously date them just because we have different attitudes and goals. This is not shallow, it is just a matter of having a different preference for personality traits. I’m also reluctant to date individuals who come from family money for a lot of the same reasons. For example, I’m prepared to move across the world for a perfect job and, from my admittedly limited experience, people who rely on their parents after college tend to be less open to those types of adventures.

Perhaps I will meet a man who lives at home with his perfectly healthy parents who is different than my friends or dates who lived at home well after college that has the personality traits I greatly admire in a potential mate. I just think gaining those traits would be very difficult if you still remained close to your parents. I extend this to those who live apart but whose mothers still do their laundry, cook, and clean for them. I briefly dating this one man who lived on his own but at 32 did not know how to do laundry, cook, or clean his apartment. I considered him a worse potential mate than a man who lives at home but does most of the chores.

If I did meet a man who lived at home who exhibited those personality traits I highly admire, I would suggest that he move out on his own before we begin a serious relationship. It is not something I haven’t done myself. I moved out at the age of 20 or so after a failed college attempt and took off across country. Yes, I would have a lot more money now and I would be much further in my degree had I stayed at home with my parents, but I learned so much being on my own. While I hated being desperately poor, forced to live with 6 people in two bedroom apartment, it really taught me to grow as a person and to value what little I have.

This is not to say that people who live with their parents can’t be independent and self-sufficient. I am sure there are some out there who I haven’t had the chance to meet yet. I’ve just never encountered anyone like that so far so when I hear “lives at home with his perfectly healthy family at 25+” warning flags go up. However, unlike the girl in the OP, I will give them a chance.

I find it interesting that some of you regard people who are independent as not as close to their families. It is probably true for a lot of people, but I found that I became much closer to my parents after I moved out. My mom and I have an amazing relationship now, we call each other at least once a week, talk on IM for at least 15 minutes and day and we constantly send each other emails/books about subjects we both find interesting. We didn’t have much of a relationship when we lived together, probably because we both thought of our relationship as more stratified. I also ask them for advice now which I never did before.

78

Yeah, that’s the thing, I’m not the type to waste valuable blood pressure points when my parents move my coffee table (actually, I got a lot of space in the apartment after they did that). But like I said, I’m not high-strung about stuff like that as I consider it unimportant. I’d get upset, if say I had come home to find that they had restructured my investments.

You’re right Anne Neville-it’s very difficult for people close to their families to get along with people distant from them which is why I don’t date people with huge estrangement and that whole distant-I’d-rather-not-be-bothered-with-you issues. It always comes down to the fact that the one more distant thinks you’re violating boundaries while the other individual has a “Huh? They’re family” attitude.

Never did I see this more clearly in my roommate situation and my sister’s. The only roommate I ever had was from a large blended family with lots of ruckus and mayhem so we were perfect roommates. My parents adored her and pseudo-adopted her and she loves them. She’d ask ME when they were coming up for a visit (they used to visit twice a year during school). On the other hand, my sister roomed with one of those really quiet types who comes from a family where contact is at a minimum post-high school and she and my sister simply could not get along. She didn’t even like FRIENDS over. Though I notice the bitch was more than happy enough to ask my sister to pull in sibling favours for me to get my apartment back from the people Awesome Roommate and I almost gave it to the first time Cold Bitch told my sister she didn’t want to live in my old place-this being before she couldn’t find that one that was as big or cheap and then decided “oh no, let’s get A’s sister to bug her for her apartment as the pen is almost to the paper with the new tenants!”

But anyway, yeah, it’s difficult to make it work. I didn’t even need to date someone distant from there family to know that.

79

I would consider their writing on my cell phone bill “Is this number supposed to be called this much” to be snooping. I don’t think who I call or how often is any of their business. One person’s adorable little thing for the greater good of the family collective is another person’s snooping.

Different people have boundaries in very different places with their parents and other relatives. That’s one reason why relationships between people who are very close to their parents (like anu-la 1979) and people who are not so close to their parents (like Mika and me) can be difficult. Living at home beyond college can be (but of course isn’t always) an indicator that someone has a different set of boundaries with their family than someone who moves out as soon as they’re out of college does.

80

I’m really up in the air about this.

I moved out at 25, and even though that is behind me it still bugs me it took me so damn long. There were a couple of factors leading to this- It took me about a year and a half longer than most to get my BA, and I was staying at home while going to college. My best friend moved out at around 19/20, and it was nothing but drama for him. I saw him move out with nearly enough in savings for a down payment on a house, to getting so cleaned out he nearly owes the credit card company as much as he had in savings when he started. He had roomate drama, his place was a total mess, tiny, stuff going awry all the time, etc. It just didn’t seem worth it to me, when by waiting a few years I could be in a position for something better. I finally did move when I finally realized that there was nothing holding me back.

I agree with those who have said there are trials of living on your own that you really have to experience to grow as a person. Moving out was more expensive than I thought, but I’m like water in that I can conform to my living demands- sure things are very hard money-wise right now. However it just creates a very strong drive for me to save more money, find a better job, etc. It is very hard to have that drive when the expectations of living are so low.

I also wanted to look into the supposed double standard here- what about women in their mid-twenties that live with their parents? My boss is around my age and still lives with her mom, dad, and brothers. A few of my coworkers do as well. It seems like men are being dealt a rather heavy hand by being scrutinized on something that is apparently nonexistant when you reverse the situation- I would imagine far, far less men would have a problem with dating a 26 yo woman who still lives with her parents.