I am now adding ‘how to initially not overreact if I see one of my kids making out at a young age’ to my toolbox for when I have teens.
I am pretty sure it would have a keen effect on me and my heart would go through the floor. However, a quick yuck (which is how they react when their dad and I kiss) and a follow up conversation later (about sex, condoms and birth control) is what I will strive for. (The conversation will be a reiteration of ones we have had previously, of course.) I will also invite the new beau for dinner to meet him.
Kids are going to have sex. They are going to drink. They will probably do drugs. We can’t stop them. We can only help them to make good decisions by having already covered the ground both in conversations and our actions.
Now, the skipping school, I would have definitely reacted to in a fairly militant fashion. That shit don’t fly. (How does a 13-year-old skip, anyway? If we didn’t show up for class, they phoned our parents right away unless they were 18 and could sign themselves out.)
I should also add that you will not prevent your daughter from not having a boyfriend, no matter what you restrict. If she’s still going to school, she’ll have a boyfriend if she wants one. If you start trying to tell her she’s not old enough to have a relationship, much less have sex, she’ll work harder to prove you wrong. Talk to her about sex NOW, put her on birth control, and try to open up the relationship so she’ll come to you if she’s having problems instead of talking about that stuff with misinformed friends.
When I was 13, I felt very grown up. When my parents tried to stop me from doing things I wanted to do, I did them anyway. I smoked in a corner of the basement when they were asleep, we drank out of my parent’s (and other parent’s) booze and replaced it with water, we had SEX, we had oral sex, we had pregnancy scares, we smoked pot and did acid. Hate to break it to you, but your kid isn’t going to be the angel you want her to be, so the best course of action is to try and befriend her in a way that she has respect for you (so she listens to your advice) and will come to you when something goes wrong.
One of the best things my parents ever did was give me $20 when I was 14 and say ‘We don’t want you to drink or do drugs, but if you ever do, this is cab fare home. If you spend the $20, call us. We just want you to stay alive and get home safely.’
She just didn’t realize I was chasing them all off.
My six year old came home from kindergarten the other day announcing that “Joshua is my boyfriend!”. Oh no child, you’d better not repeat that in front of your daddy.
(FTR I was 13 when I had my first sexual experience so yes it’s not too soon to make sure she has a good comprehensive sex education)
That’s about how old I was when I went on my first date. My mom dropped me and the girl off at the movies. We saw Ladder 49.
OK, contrary to the rest of the advice in this thread, I think you need to stamp this out. I know I’d be sick if I saw my daughter making out with an emo. It could be worse- tell me, does your daughter like to read Japanese comics (she may refer to them as “manga”)? Does she watch Japanese television shows (she may refer to them as “anime”)? Has she ever described something as “kawaii” (pronounced kuh-why)? These are all warning signs. Like in any similarly-dangerous emergency scenario such as fire, burglary or terrorist attack it’s of the utmost importance that you not panic. You’ve got to keep your head.
Crap.
Anyway, you said that your husband doesn’t want her turning into a slut. Has he told her that? “You little slut!” “We didn’t raise you to be a slut!” Anything like that? Because I promise you that if you or your husband say things like that to her (or within earshot of her) you’re going to lose all credibility (if you haven’t already because of your silly beliefs regarding PDAs) and alienate your child. She already knows that it’s stupid to think that 13 is too young for dating. Hell, even Bobby Hill had a girlfriend and they made out with tongues. This is the Hills we’re talking about. They’re a parody of uptight redneck Bible Belt conservatives and even their 13-year old son had an Asian girlfriend (she was either Chinese or Japanese but I forget). I mean sure they freaked out when one of his girlfriends was a vegetarian but to be honest that is taking things a little far.
So I guess what I’m saying is just be glad this emo isn’t a vegetarian.
Teens lie. Sometimes for no reason at all, but mostly because they think they won’t be able to do what it is they want to do otherwise. It doesn’t mean you screwed up. Try to minimize the opportunities for her to lie, but don’t beat yourself up that she does. Don’t ask her questions that will force her to lie, but try to have an open dialog.
Birth control ASAP. Girls will only rarely let parents know before the fact. She may be only 13, but her boyfriend(s) may be older. Get her on it well before you think she needs it; she may already need it, and if not today, then very, very soon. Birth control pills are, IME with teens, the best choice, providing you make sure that it’s taken daily. Condoms are vital as far as STDs go. As birth control, though, teens are not very good at using condoms reliably, correctly, and consistently. Don’t let condoms be the only method. (The Plan B pill is not a good backup because she has to take it within so many days of intercourse or it’s too late.) Get her on regular birth control pills, and get her a jumbo box of condoms. Make sure they’re replenished if/when they get used up. My friend who had 4 teens told them that there would be a box of condoms in the bathroom, and she would restock as necessary, without asking who was using them. Maybe keep them in her room, but keep an eye on when it’s time to replenish them.
Skipping school is a problem. Your restricting her from her cell phone and activities for a few days is a good plan, and may solve the problem. Get the school involved right away if she does it again. Some detention or other consequence may have more of an effect on her.
Okay, my arguments have pretty much been made for me, so I’ll just stick with the one statement that kinda bugged me.
That is not a defense at all of not being able to put a child on birth control. Parents are responsible for the health of their children. A doctor will expect a parent to enforce any medications. And pregnancy in children can be a significant health risk.
Furthermore, if the child were to get pregnant, the parent would be responsible to pay the abortion or to house the child and the new baby. Because of that responsibility, a parent does have a say so on whether the child gets pregnant.
Finally, parents have a responsibility to enforce proper behavior. Granted, we don’t all agree on what proper behavior is, or how it should be enforced. But we do tend to agree that getting pregnant before you are physically, emotionally, intellectually, and socially read is bad thing.
The point is, it may be the child’s body, but that body is also the parents’ responsibility.
Yes, but the child needs to have a say, because if she’s told “take this every day” without fully understanding why and what’s involved, she’ll be a lot more likely to forget, or not do it right…
I’m just speaking from the experience of my classmates and dorm-mates: those who chose to go on the Pill were a lot more likely to use it correctly (and even to understand what “using it correctly” meant) than those whose mothers had just said “take one of these every day”. This second approach worked like shit. Those who understood the different methods available were also able to choose different ones as their circumstances changed; in a few cases, to realize that the bad symptoms they were getting were bad reactions to the medication.
13 years old is old enough to be able to understand medical information - but it needs to be provided. If she’s simply “put on the Pill” without any information and she has a bad reaction, she won’t be able to make the connection as easily as if she’s received the information.
I realize American patients are likely to never receive as much information from their doctors and pharmacists as is required in other countries, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t.
I wouldn’t worry to much about it, consider the source.
I wasn’t allowed until I was 16. Now, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t kiss a coupla guys when my parents didn’t know it.
IMHO you’re not overreacting. She skipped school and was making out with an older guy you didn’t know. This shows poor judgment and as her parent you’re tasked with teaching her what is right and what is wrong.
You’re fighting teenage hormones so you won’t ever really win, but I think a very serious discussion is a little overdue. Do you know any teenage mothers? If so, would they be willing to show her how hard their lives are? Talk to her about STDs and how some of them never, ever go away and how that can impact her future sexual relations.
Talk to her about skipping school. Your job is to raise her and keep a roof over her head. Her job is going to school and making the best grades she can. She should know her actions have consequences, just like in the real world.
Whew. Glad to know I am not alone in feeling like I was attacked right off the bat here. Ironic when the ones attacking are telling me not to attack my daughter etc…
“I guess what I am saying here is be glad emo is not a vegatarian”…lmao
No. SHe is not into comic books etc…Into Lady Gaga, Epic Fail crap and the like…
She is a good kid and I feel I am a good parent. If anything I have been too lax on her as she had an accident lasy year (fell 100ft off a cliff) and nearly died…BEFORE anyone tells me that is no reason to spoil her, I KNOW THIS. I am human. I make mistakes…just as she does. Only hoping she will learn from them…is all I can do. Oh god, I can imagine the responses I will get for typing “is all I can do”…
Thank you all for your advice. I got a lot of good points and had much thought and yet another talk with daughter about it all.
Every 13 year old is different. They’re not one big ol group with the same mentality. There are plenty of **adult **women who don’t take their birth control as they should. There are plenty of men and women who don’t follow the doctor and pharmacist’s instructions regarding any medication and you honestly think that “13 years old is old enough” to handle it? Ooookay!
If the kid can handle the hormones, my sister found the Depo Provera shot to be a very good option for her 16-year-old daughter. One injection four times a year + access to condoms = nobody is worried about my neice (who is now 18 and managing a Taco Bell). It helps that Gramma is a nurse and delivers the injections. It’s much easier for my sister to monitor the timing for the injections and get her daughter to Gramma 4 times a year than it would be for my sister to make sure the kid took a pill every day.
