My Step-Daughter

What to do, what to do?

My 13 year old step-daughter and I have a good relationship. I’ve held pretty firmly to the belief that the young lady has two parents (her mom and dad) and doesn’t need any more, so I’ve taken a hands-off approach to discipline.

On Saturday she asked if her boyfriend could come over during the day and her mother said that would be OK. The boy shows up and he seems like a good kid from the limited contact I had with him. After a bit I go outside and start to cut the grass. A little while later my wife comes out and tells me that she needs to run an errand and will be back in about an hour. The kids are in the living room watching a movie, she tells me, and then she’s gone. So far, so good (even though I’m a bit uneasy about the kids being in the house unsupervised - I remember being 13).

I cut the grass a bit more and then decide a beer would be good. Because the lawnmower is hard to start, I put it in neutral but leave it running. It was nice here Saturday and the windows were open, so I have to assume the kids heard the mower running and thought I was still hard at work. I come in the house, grab my beer, and decide to check to make sure things are still OK.

Imagine my surprise when I find my 13 year old step-daughter giving the boy a hummer on the couch.

Now, I’m a pretty understanding guy, but this seems a bit much. I stepped back into the kitchen, made enough noise to let them know I was there, and then went back into the living room. By that time they had arranged themselves a bit. I told the young man that I suspected it was time for him to leave, and that I needed my step-daughter to help me out with something. After the boy leaves I told my step-daughter what I had seen. I said, “I can’t turn a blind eye to this. A little making out, I can understand, but this seemed to be going a bit far. I’m going to give you the choice - either you tell your mother, or I will. I don’t want to have to rat you out, and I don’t know what kind of talks you and your mother have had in the past - but you have to let her know what’s going on.” You can imagine her embarassment, but I tried not to be too judgemental and I didn’t immediatley rat her out. She has until this evening to have a talk with her mother or I’m going to have to tell my wife what I saw.

So, parents (and non-parents) - did I do the right thing?

I think you handled it well, and the fact that you didn’t react aggressively is a good thing. Also, by forcing her to take responsibility (by having her tell her mother about it), you may be helping her to realize that there are consequences to every action.

So in my opinion, you were spot on.

You handled it a hell of a lot more gracefully then I think I would have. But that’s a good thing - it will likely help pave the way for her knowing that you (and hopefully her mother) won’t be complete lunatics when it comes to sex, and she might feel more comfortable approaching the two of you when she has questions/concerns.

I think you did the right thing. The big thing now will be addressing the actual issue. 13 is so young…

I think you reacted pretty calmly, to be honest.

You definitely did the right thing by breaking them up and sending him home, and I agree that her mother should know what’s going on. Kids will end up doing what they want to do anyway, but maybe a chat with her mother will help her to see that this isn’t the sort of thing she should be doing just yet.

Good luck, plnnr.

My wife is a psychotherapist, and several of her young girl clients tell her that “oral sex isn’t sex.” Apparently, it’s a pretty widely held belief.

resisting the urge to make the cheap and easy political joke

Kudos, dude.

Well handled, I’d say.

No screamfest. Broke them apart gently. Calmly spoke to the girl.

Jeez… didja have a headache after? Cuz I sure would have!

You did good.

On the one hand, it’s probably not behavior you want your 13 year old to be participating in. On the other, it’s not unheard of for 13 year olds to do so, and being able to have open dialogue with a kid about sex will ultimately be infinitely more important than blowing a gasket about sex and becoming a disciplinarian before you become a teacher.

Oooooo, that’s brutal!

I’m trying to imagine the ways one might jump into that kind of conversation with their mother…
“So mom, do you know how to get semen out of kneesocks…?”
How close is your stepdaughter to 14, if you don’t mind saying?

You handled the situation extremely well - as noted by others.

I hope her mom explains to her the STD risk of such behavior. It is not “safe” and it is still sex.

No, me picking them both up by the scruff of the neck and becoming…ah…demonstrative in showing them the error of their ways would be brutal.

She turned 13 in November.

You did exceptionaly well. You were calm and rational. You didn’t freak her out or scare the beejeesus out of the boy. There are many many kids out there wishing they had someone calm like you in their lives.

Let’s hope Mum does as well.

Well done IMHO. Rational and calm, and not acting like an ‘evil step-father’ by you punishing her. I know sometimes step relationships can be tricky [YOU aren’t my father/mother]

Let us know how it works out=)

Just to clarify, I don’t disagree at all with the way you handled it. I’m just remembering my own youthful fuckups and I would have *much * preferred an immediate beating to the dreaded “you’ll have to speak with your father about this when he comes home”. It’s so diabolically parental.

Indeed–although if the “fuck that! YOU tell her” solution had occurred to me as a kid, I woulda stressed out a lot less.
Daniel

If I might play devil’s advocate here, why do you want her to tell her mother? 13 isn’t that young to be messing around (in my personal experience) and I would rather her be safe than tell her mom about her personal sexual activity.

Why didn’t you broach the subject about safe sex and see if she understood? If she HAS to tell her mom about it all it might do it create friction and make her rebel (been there and done that!). Do you know how her mother might react? Is she as cool as you are or is this an instant grounding for her?

Sure, she was dumb to give a hummer while you were ANYWHERE near the place but it’s not like adults don’t make the same mistake.

I just question the whole “OMG they’re having SEX, they shouldn’t be!” stereotype. I’d rather my daughter fool around understanding the dangers of sex rather than keeping sex away from her as if it didn’t exist.

Because her mother’s his wife, and not telling her something of this magnitude concerning her daughter would be a MAJOR breach of trust and communication on plnnr’s part? So, he gave her a choice…she could either tell her herself, or he could tell her, but SOMEBODY was going to inform the woman that something significant happened.

I’d also like to note that this is a very basic part of having a mature, adult relationship. Your obligations to respect and love your wife/husband/partner/SO are more important than your predilection for giving a wink and a whistle to what you might consider to be minor infractions of the rules on the part of offspring (whether natural or step-).

You handled it well. If it had been my daughter, I’m afraid my reaction would have involved the boyfriend and the lawnmower.

What he said.