Inspired by plnnr’s thread here, just so nobody mucks around and hijacks it anymore.
What do you think of the situation? Parents, what would be your reaction–and why?
Now that I’m no longer thirteen, I’m agin it.
Heh, I think that’s the mentality of most people.
Sex is just a part of growing up. It shouldn’t be a huge deal but it is to far too many people, which is why I think so many kids are broken.
A healthy childhood should include open talks about sex and sex education. When a “kid” is taught about sex it wouldn’t surprise me to see a reduction of sex between teenagers. Most people (politically) want to hide sex from kids which I think is the wrong way to go.
Waaay too young. I personally think kids shouldn’t be having sex until they’re out of high school-at least, ideally. At thirteen, that’s just outrageous. She’s got plenty of time to worry about sex, birth control, STDs, etc-she’s still a child. Sex is a huge responsibility-the consequences at her age are just too much for this to be okay.
Too damn young.
I don’t really care. The sooner they learn about sex the sooner they’ll be prepared to deal with sexual relationships. Silence, television, pornography, and books all fail to teach that most important part of sexual behavior, and [waiting+(silence, television, pornography, or books)] isn’t a formula for success, either. I wouldn’t try and set something up for my own son or daughter, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to punish them for sexual activity or suspected sexual activity. Hopefully being open with the child would encourage the child to share events without fear of being judged or punished which would enable me to play a more active role as a guardian and, well, mentor rather than a vehicle for enforcing compliance. I’m sure all would-be parents are idealists until they become parents in fact, but I can only answer based on how I feel.
No one said they shouldn’t learn about sex. Of course they should. But just because I tell my 10 year old the facts of life doesn’t mean that he or she should rush right out and get laid!
Abstinence can not be taught. It can be supported by invoking fear and threats, but the sad fact is, many kids simply tune it out.
With that in mind, parents need to take the active role in making sure their child is well educated about SAFE sex as early as possible. Pretending that your child is not engaging in sex acts at 13 does not make it so (nor am I conteding that all 13 year olds are being naughty; just that, in my experience, many are), and reprimanding them with punishments or threats is likely to do no good at all.
So, yes, inform early and hope for the best.
Its a cultural thing. Assuming that we are talking about U.S. culture, and our extended adolecense, not only is 13 too young, men should be forbidden from having sex until sometime in their mid-20s! (kidding - but making a point).
However, there is no physical reason why a person can’t have sex at 13, and hormonally they are ready for it. Its just that we haven’t built the emotional maturity for the consequences in by then. Which causes kids to “play” at sex with sometimes tragic consequences. And sometimes it turns out to be a few years of fun and games and then they grow up, figure things out, no harm done.
However, a lot of cultures have women ready to marry and have sex at 13 - its caused a problem in the Twin Cities with our Hmong population who think 13 is a reasonable age for this.
The hard part of an open and free dialog about sex with your kids is dropping all the baggage one has about it in the first place. My parents did an pretty good job with me, I think, but I still have a lot of “stuff” to deal with. My wife’s parents failed miserably in a number of ways (according to her), and she has been working through these issues for some time. The hard part for us will be in recognizing when we are saying the wrong thing or showing the wrong attitude with our kids (who are 5 and 3). We try now to answer questions about body parts and what not, but these things only get more “diffcult” as the kids grow. At least, I can imagine they will. And I bet most parents have a really hard time accepting the sexuality of their kids. It’s going to be a big thing in our house, probably, but I hope it won’t be too big.
<sigh>
I think plnnr handled his particular situation from the linked thread quite admirably, I wonder how it would have been different if he was the child’s bio dad? I’d bounce off the ceiling if I walked in on my daughter in that situation. A large part of that reaction for me is my own baggage, but 13 is just too young for bjs. Plus, I don’t get bjs, no one else in my house should either!!! :smack: Wait, that was the baggage talking again, wasn’t it?
My opinion: good lord, at 13 I barely knew girls existed. Having sex? The though didn’t even cross my mind. And yeah, I do recall pretty clearly. I was just more interested in books than other people, girls included.
But, aside from that, 13-year olds aren’t prepared to deal with any of the consequences or emotional attatchments of sexual reltionships. And I’m against f***-buddy relationships.
From this month’s Pediatrics (April '05)
These were kids mean age 14.5 yo and in the ninth grade. Of note, oral sex is less risky, but is still very clearly nonzero for STDs. In discussions with teen aged patients in my middle class practice, I have heard exactly these beliefs and that casual female on male oral sex is quite common. Not the other way around. The most insecure girl is the one most likely to provide this service to boys. I see a few teen aged boys with shaved pubes. Intercourse among teens, and pregnancy, have both been steadily decreasing for over ten years.
Given the exemplary way the op in the linked thread handled things, I’m sure the Mom-daughter conversation will focus on emotional readiness, the nature of the relationship, the place of sex in a relationship, the fact that oral sex is sex, and real risks going forward. I am also sure that she will just happen to have little unsupervised time with boys for a long time to come. Yes, 13 is way too dang young.
I pretty much agree with that (and I agreed with you in the other thread as well, I just wasn’t sure what the relevance was to that specific event).
With regards to the OP, sex at 13? I’d rather my kid not, but when he/she decides it’s the thing to do, then it’s going to happen eventually.
Hopefully I don’t sound like I’m spouting cliches, but with the ‘sex education’ a kid is going to pick up from the media and pop culture (TV, the news, movies, the clothes they see people wearing, etc etc etc), a parent ought to be prepared for the posibility of sex post-puberty (heck, even without the media, kids + puberty = … well, you do the math).
The most important thing is to ensure a kid’s got the right information he or she needs to know about staying safe.
That said, there’s nothing wrong with suggesting to a kid that he/she might not be ready for the very real responsibilities and emotional issues and such that go along with being sexually active. But, ultimatums are pointless, and may work for some, but will tragically backfire for others. When all is said and done, it’s the kids’ decision, not the parents’, and he or she will be fully capable of having sex if he or she wants. With that in mind, I’d much rather be a parent who, when push comes to shove, my kid felt at least moderately ok coming to with issues.
To address a little bit of what badmana has said here and in the other thread, I too think that sex is far too much of a ‘thing’. It’s natural, feels good, and pretty much everyone does it. The problem is that there are many more aspects with regards to social interaction, power, responsibility, expectations, gender issues, blah blah blah, and as much as I’d like to pretend that sex is always just happy and healthy and no strings attached, I know for a fact it isn’t. I also know that my kid will need to be aware of the socially significant aspects of sex, and by treating it like nothing I’d be doing a disservice by ignoring them.
If I lived in a place where so many sexual relationships seem to be based on conflicting expectations and deception I might feel differently.
There’s a Michael Jackson joke somewhere in here.
It seems to be a dinstinctly middle-American view to hide everything uncomfortible from everyone.
Yeah, and we know how well that’s working! :rolleyes:
Oh, I dunno. The Americans may have elevated living-in-denial to an art form, but one can argue that its modern origins were in Victorian Britain.
How old was the fellow?
The OP in the linked thread doesn’t say. I have no moral problem with a pair of 13-year-olds having sex, as long as they know how to prevent pregnancy and seem to have the maturity to use that knowledge effectively. Actually those are pretty big “ifs”. OTOH, people seldom get pregnant from oral sex, so these kids aren’t doing too badly.
Realistically, if someone is already doing this kind of thing at 13, you aren’t likely to dissuade them from sexual activities for very long via threats and punishments and other coercive/authoritative interventions. If she’s doing it to be popular or was pushed into it, being very supportive of her right to do, or not do, sexual things in accordance with her wishes and not be controlled by some other person’s wishes, might make a big different. Maybe. Depends on the rapport existing there.
Ultimately, though, you’re dealing with someone who has broken the ice, who apparently has no inhibitions in need of drastic lowering, and who is only going to ramp up on the appetite-hormones from here on out. And be surrounded by a higher and higher percentage of sexually active folks among the peer group while that happens.
How old isn’t too young, those of you who say 13 is too young? You OK with the kid waiting until 14? How about 15? Do you expect to be able to impose a wait-until age of 17 or 18?
A better use of your time and energy, IMHO, would be teaching the kid to use it wisely and make good choices about when and with whom. Talk about broken hearts and the goodness of falling in love, the fun of casual sex and the emotional as well as medical risks of promiscuity, and how it is for you and how it was for you when you were young. Sharing and caring versus mutual using versus being misused. Social attitudes, condemnations, exploitations, commercializations, and really bad song lyrics. Be a sounding board and maybe your expressed opinion will carry some weight. Issue edicts and I doubt it, I doubt it very very much.
One learning about sex from books or the odd nervous parental conversation isn’t going to prepare them, either. As with virtually all human endeavors, one learns about sexual relationships by having them. While it may be technically correct and intellectually satisfying to instruct people about their sexual organs in a biological way, humans do not engage in sexual activity for the intellectual thrill.
msmith,
You really think that we shy away from sex in this country? We are obsessed by it and discuss it constantly. We joke about it and do extensive sex education from early ages. Don’t let the vocality of the religious right delude into thinking that most schools are avoiding the subjects. These kids know the facts, mostly, and have for years. They are pregnant less and getting fewer diseases. Many are delaying intercourse til much older than in years past. They just don’t think that a girl performing oral sex is sex and they think that it is less risky, both physically and emotionally, than it is.
AHunter - it probably depends on the kid. I think probably 17 or 18 for most kids, which doesn’t mean that all will wait that long. But neither have I (for my eldest), or will I (for my upcoming teens), make it easy for them. Of course the best protection is open communication and the sharing of values.* Ignorance is the poorest shield of all.
I think some girls think that everybody else does it, and that they need to to keep the boy interested. I hope that when my daughter is of that age she thinks more of herself than that. And the facts are otherwise. As surprisingly common as it is, it is still true that most girls don’t, at least not at 14 or younger.
*That and having inherited my teen aged social skills with the opposite sex! Keeping 'em nerdy, mumbling and looking at the floor, I say! 
Are we talking strictly about heterosexual contact here? Because I can assure you there are plenty of 13-year-old boys engaging in mutual masturbation and sometimes even oral sex.