Sex at thirteen?

Great Debates
21

You shouldn’t have sex until you’re ready to deal with the consquences - physical, emotional, offsprincacal, etc. Somebody in the other thread was all hufffy about how “sex doesn’t have to mean babies, I have sex all the time and have no kids!”, but I think you shouldn’t be having sex until you’re old enough to deal with the possibility of children and the necessity of appropriate birth control. In other cultures, girls are prepared for this at 13. Here, they aren’t.

Are people in this thread honestly saying it’s okay to have sex at 13?! 16, I could see that being a topic of discussion, but 13?! In our culture, 13 is a child. Pubescent, but not adult in any meaningful way.

22

Same for me (except replace the word “girls” with “boys”). I had friends who were boys at that age, but I certainly hadn’t got to the kissing stage yet, let alone the sex stage. We were aware of being oddly embarrassed in each other’s company if we saw a film with a couple having a bit of how’s-yer-father, but there’s no way in hell that 13-year-old me would have been able to handle sex. I think if I had sex at that age, it would have ruined the short amount of childhood that I had left. You need to learn about your place in the world, how the world works, about other cultures and societies, about literature, about what you want to be in the future. Sex is only one part of that and IMHO if you get into to it too early, it leaves no room in the 13-year-old’s psyche for any other processes of maturation.

[Chef from South park] There is a time and a place for everything, and that time and place is College. [/Chef from South Park].

23

Stage Manager? Is that you?

Just kidding. :wink:

24

Old enough to understand what sex can lead to (i.e. STDs and pregnancy), and how to alleviate those consequences (condoms, contraception, etc.) = old enough to have sex.

25

Wow- I didn’t have sex until 16. According to psych class last year, that’s the average age. Of course maturity level varies from person to person, but I think that hardly anyone in our sociery is capable of being able to emotionally cope with the consequences of sex at 13. One needs to be able to understand the consequences (STDs, pregnancy) and the prevention, and be able to really comprehend what they are getting into before engaging in sex.

26

Able to understand the consequences: check. 13 year olds can certainly grasp the connection between having sex and getting a sexually transmitted disease, or becoming pregnant.

Able to understand prevention: check again. Condoms and birth control are pretty easy to figure out.

Able to “really comprehend what they are getting into”: what exactly do you mean by this, and why do you think 13 year olds can’t do it?

27

As I noted in the other thread, I have been the step-father of a teenage girl. Family dynamics are very different for a step-dad. If I’d found one of my own in that situation, I’d have sat down with the girl myself and we’d have discussed the issue.

If I’d found my step-daughter in the same situation, I hope I’d have had the good sense to do as plnnr did, and give her the option to tell her mom herself.

Step-parenting is a delicate art, and requires a different approach than bio-parenting.

28

Able to understand the consequences? Most 13 year olds can tell you all you want to know about the connection between sex and babies, sex and STDs, and such like. Most 13 year olds can tell you that one should use a condom.

Able to understand that those consequences apply to them, personally, every time and right now? Give me a break. Many of them at that age don’t get the connection between not doing homework and failing a class.

Able to talk knowledgeably about sex and most of its permutations. Sure. Able to walk into a store and buy condoms, tell a doctor about their sexual activity, or be aware of their bodies enough to know what’s actually going on? Think again.

Having the knowledge is a lot different from being able to use it.

29

He’s number 1!
Welcome Smitty! Love your username. :smiley:

30

Just because a 13-year-old can recite the facts doesn’t mean that they can fully understand them. They may be able to say that sex can lead to pregnancy/STDs, yet I doubt that many of them can even imagine it actually happening to them.

31

I would say at the absolute youngest, a mature 16 year old. However, I think it’s best to wait until you’re at least out of high school. Kids grow up too damned fast.

32

Nonsense. These are human beings we’re talking about, not dogs or gerbils. Any young teen can understand and apply the fact that those consequences will apply to them, just as they can understand that brushing their teeth prevents cavities, and drinking liquid soap leads to throwing up. There are 13 year olds with food allergies, diabetes, and other medical conditions that require extreme caution, and they tend to live to adulthood because they can and do understand the consequences of being careless.

I can only assume your last sentence is hyperbole. If you show me a 13 year old who can’t grasp the connection between homework and grades, and who isn’t retarded, I will eat my hat.

The only thing keeping them from doing those things is embarrassment, and the way to eliminate that is to be more open about sex.

How do you expect them to become aware of their bodies without actually having bodily experiences, so to speak?

33

Truer words were never spoken, monica. Thankfully we rarely use memorization as a test for understanding, except in those cases when it is appropriate. Presumably that post will be followed up by a much more sound method of determining when someone is ready for sexual behavior, and how one “fully” understands it so that one may then participate in it. You may reconsider your use of “fully” if you’d like, I won’t mind. The only real criteria I have is that it is something that can actually be done, and that it makes at least some kind of intuitive sense with regards to learning behaviors in general.

I believe most parents have a pretty good idea, if not a little late, of when their child is ready (or at least when they will stop fighting the battle). But I do not require full understanding for readiness, as I feel full understanding can only come after engaging in the activity itself. I would hardly expect myself to have such an open and rational approach to my own child, if only because I have a passing familiarity with the human animal, but at that I would hope that if the situation came I would at least be in a position of trust rather than authority, because before anything else I would want my child to come to me with questions about the most important things in life (and it would be nice to agree on what those were, as well). Some day has to be the first day without a babysitter, or holding their hand as they cross the street, or washing themselves. And I think everyone can agree that they were never really ready for it. For any of it. Each time we tried to walk we stumbled, every bike we rode had a fall, there were close calls in the street and I don’t talk to the girl I lost my virginity to anymore. I can expect no more of them. We ask them to wear a coat, a helmet, some elbow pads. To look both ways. But there has to be a first time. Who is ever ready for it?

34

I was taught in a Catholic school untill 8th grade, and I remember every year from 5th grade on, we’d be taught a little more about sex. Of course it would start out pretty basic, but as the years progressed our classes got more technical philosophical. We covered that sex should be more about an expression of love rather than just gratification. Yes there was talk of sins, hell, and what have you mixed in, but all in all it seemed to be a well rounded education. Going into a public highschool sex-ed class very little of the information was new. I know I was probably in the minority when I state that I had sex first when I was 19 (though I was thinking about it long before then - I just knew that I couldn’t handle everything that came with it). The more forward a community (not just parents, though they are very important) is about sex, the more a child understand the scope of sex.

35

For our culture, I definitely think thirteen is a bit too young, given the maturity of most thirteen year olds I know. (That’s not to say I haven’t heard of it happening, I just don’t approve.) It’s a joke to them, rumors to spread around, sometimes “cool” to do.Thirteen is also when you’ve just earned the title teenager, kind of like the year of the test drive, and is also (in the US) the last year of middle school. The change that takes place between thirteen and fourteen due to change of environment, stress, and responsibility seems enormous to me. Not that having sex at fourteen is much better, but high school usually forces you to grow up.

I think oral sex is considered less risky simply because the risk of pregnancy is nil, and it isn’t labeled “sex” because way too many people wouldn’t be virgins anymore. I have a few friends who pride themselves not only in their talented blowjobs, but in their virginity as well. Also, the rumor circulating among teenagers is that oral sex isn’t as good with a condom on, so why bother doing it? That doesn’t make it any more excusable, but statements like that are popularized, so someone must think they have merit.

I have actually been told by some people that it’s normal not to lose one’s virginity until sixteen, but after eighteen “you’re just plain weird.” Personally, I don’t understand this, as having sex shouldn’t have much to do with your age (aside from legalities, of course), but rather with how comfortable you are with doing it, and how much your trust your partner. I think television emphasizes sex too much, and when fifteen year olds are doing it on a TV show, RL fifteen year olds want to as well. The concept of rushing to meet a certain age deadline is bonkers, but still strong in teenagers, or at least my peers.

When I was in Catholic school, we were taught having sex was akin to using tape: every time your reuse it, it’s a little greasier, a little dirtier, and sometimes picks up diseases. The solution? No sex until marriage. No condoms either, because that interferes with God’s plan. (Actually, that one was abit conflicting, because Reallyt Conservative Priest said no condoms, whereas the sex education people informed us any sex outside of marriage may as welll be protected.) We were handed those little promise cards and asked to sign our names. Honestly, the only person I know who signed those cards that day and sincerely intended to remain abstinent was my best friend, and even then her fantasy husband is supposed to be loving and experienced. Better education than that should be taught in classrooms, public or private. Abstinence is an unrealistic concept, simply because it doesn’t appeal to the general public, and sex safety/education should be taught thoroughly.

36

Fifteen year olds have wanted to have sex for centuries, since long before TV was invented. :wink:

37

Lol, but of course, the fact that A has sex with B every other episode of the OC has nothing to do with it. (I don’t actually watch the OC, so think of that as a vague example.) It’s kind of sad to know people who had sex because their favorite TV character did and OMG they must too.

I was wondering how long it would take for someone to point out that broad generalization. Snaps for you, MR2001.

38

I don’t know, having passed through puberty is a pretty meaningful thing, IMO. The fact that we’ve set up social structures to deny adulthood to people under the age of 18 doesn’t mean that they’re not going to begin reaching for that autonomy sooner, and certainly as far as biology goes, their bodies are going to tell them when they’re ready, whether they are socially or not.

Oh, and Conan_the_Librarian, don’t you know the Dewey Decimal System?

39

My dad’s mom was fourteen when he was born. I don’t think it was all that uncommon for the time and place. 1926 in the deep south

40

They don’t? What was I, some kind of a freak?

And I think we try to keep them children for far too damn long. I was having oral sex at 13. It was fun. It caused me no problems. This is specifically because my parents did not know.

I have absolutely no idea where this idea comes from, but I certainly disagree with it.

Sex does not have to be tied to love. It’s something that can be enjoyable for its own sake, and something you can do with someone you love, but I don’t think it’s an expression of love.

I hit puberty at 10. I was dealing with tampons in fifth grade. That I didn’t start with the oral sex (in both directions) until 13 is a freaking miracle, because I was certainly after it before then.