See, the idea that this is “something significant” is what’s wrong here. It’s a fucking blow job not a DP anal with animals (not that there is anything wrong with that, whatever floats your boat etc).
Why not just tell the mother but in a non-confrontational setting (like when the daughter is at school) and make sure the mother doesn’t make things worse by blowing up and making a big deal out of it. Your step daughter is reaching sexual maturity and will need guidance, not punishment (because if you teach her sex is wrong she’s going to be far worse off IMO). She needs to have a heart to heart talk and not go in thinking she did something terrible.
Of course you know her mother and you might know that she can handle it so what your did might be the right course. If she’s not the calm type though, there is going to be one big mess when your step daughter tries to (under duress) explain out of the blue what happened (and why she has to tell her right then).
I’ve watched, personally, some fucked up parents tear apart a child because of sex (and create a fun situation involving group homes for runaway kids). Some parents shouldn’t be even having sex if they can’t handle their own kids having sex.
When I clicked on this thread from the main forum page, all that was visible was “My Step-Daughter - The Giver”. I was totally sure that I was walking into a thread about young adult literature. But this thread is good too.
I am not a parent, but I was recently a 13-year-old boy. I too think you handled it well. One wonders what, if anything, from this exchange will make its way to him!
Because it is something significant. She’s 13. This isn’t “show me yours and I’ll show you mine,” this is a very intimate act committed by someone that isn’t emotionally mature enough to handle it (she’s my step-daughter - I know her emotional maturity).
I also know her mother very well (as I should - I married her). I know that she’ll handle it an caring, supportive way and won’t freak out. She’ll be concerned, she’ll be angry, but she’ll be calm.
Your comment seems to follow the same thinking that oral sex isn’t sex, and that’s a sentiment I don’t agree with in the slightest.
You handled it much better than I ever would have, and my step-daughter is only a year behind yours. :yikes: I likely would have blown a gasket on making out…forget about oral sex. I’d be hiding body parts.
You seem to be expecting the worst, when from what we have of the story so far we’re dealing with competent, thoughtful parents. Frankly, it is ‘significant’, not only the act itself but how plnnr and wife deal with it will teach Jr. a lot about maturity, respect, and self-responsibility. I agree that maybe giving the wife a heads up might be smart to prevent the immediate, emotional reaction that could occur, but I still like the idea of having Jr. bring it up. Particularly if the parents aren’t going to flip out, making the kid articulate what she’s doing (talking about sex) is hugely important, and there are many adults who can’t do it.
Plnnr, let me echo in others in stating that you handled the situation very well. Mom needs to know, and it would be best if your step-daughter was the one to tell her. But she must know. Sexual contact is sexual contact, and Mom and daughter need to talk.
“Show me your and I’ll show you mine” is mostly for under 8 year old kids IME. At 13 many kids are getting interested about sex and many are having sex, you just don’t know about it.
And a BJ is sex, I never said any different. But a BJ or full on sex isn’t “bad”. As you know her better than anyone here, if you think she’s not ready for sex maybe you should gently tell her? Or at least prep her mom for tonight’s (it’s going to happen tonight right?) little talk. If you or her mom demand she stop and uses the “I’m your mother and you will follow my rules” BS she’s going to rebel and things might get really bad.
It’s only sex!
If her mom is truely a cool person (like yourself) then you probably did the right thing, although like I said, you might want to warn her (because if your wife had a bad day at work and blows up tonight, everyone is fucked).
I like and agree with the way you handled it, all the way up to the “You tell your mother, or I will.”
I can’t imagine how she will do it.
Just tell her mom for her, and then let them have the conversation. Save the kid the embarrassment of, “Uh, mom? There’s something I need to tell you…you know today when you went out to run your errand…?”
She’s likely to be embarrassed enough, without having to rat herself out.
I appreciate the vote of confidence; however, I believe that this is something that she needs to handle for herself. Actions have consequences, and part of being an adult (or learning to be an adult, in this case) is taking responsibility for your actions and facing the consequences. I’m more than willing to tell my wife what happened, but I’m giving my step-daughter the opportunity to grow a little here. If she doesn’t want to, or fails to, it’ll tell me even more about her level of maturity and what I can expect from her in other realms.
I agree. I don’t know the OP and I am not saying things are going to turn out for the worst but a lot of parents ARE denying the sexuality of their children.
Sex seems to be a HUGE ASS FUCKING DEAL even though 99.9999999999999999999999999% of ALL HUMANS have sex. I don’t understand why it has to be so special. It should be important but only to the point of understanding STDs, pregnancy and things like rape/sexual assault.
I don’t mean to be accusatory in a forum not meant for it, but it seems like you’re bringing a huge personal agenda to this. The only person who’s used the words ‘bad’ or ‘shouldn’t’ in this thread is you, vehimently arguing against a viewpoint that no one’s taken so far. No one has talked about absolute demands and assertation of parental authority. Mrs. plnnr and plnnr Jr. are going to have a talk. Sounds ok and totally appropriate.
Wait, did your daughter break a “house rule” with a BJ? Because the consequences of a BJ shouldn’t be a parental talk. The parental talk should have been had before sex happened. Eonwe, as I said, I guess I’m expecting the worse (and I don’t know the OP). I only wanted to point out that any talk starting from the act of sex usually has huge consequences for the child if the parents are ready. The kid in this case believes she’s ready for sex, but is plnnr’s wife ready for a sexual child?
I guess when I see a lot of hyperbole (I’d had killed the boy etc) it pisses me off a little. Of course MOST parents wouldn’t kill a teenage boy for sexing up their daughter (only dream of it) but this sort of thing is bad for a kid. It was bad for my sister and all my lady friends growing up.
Again, I don’t know the OP and I’m probably way off on my mark. It really depends on the relationship between the mother and daughter.
It doesn’t have to be special if you’re just looking to get off - but a 13 year old girl doesn’t know know the difference between just getting off (and I doubt that she thought about getting anything out of the encounter herself) and how special a physical relatinship can be given the right set of circumstances.
I get what you’re saying here, but being adult does NOT mean telling either one of your parents that you gave a guy a blow job. It was her and the guy’s business. You’ve made it your business out of concern for the kid…you should be the one to tell your wife.
Its only sex? Gee, I must’ve fallen asleep one night and when I woke, some magic dust had been sprinkled making a majority of people ignorant.
Hey, its also only alcohol, 13 may as well be a legal adult, let her drive too, why not? Really,explain why sex as a CHILD is okay, when drinking, driving and voting is much more sacred and only for adults?
Someof my female friends were pregnant at age 13, and it was a thing to regret. Becoming an adult means waiting til you are mature to do certain things; this does mean sex. Hell-O.
If not, why not advocate buying them a hotel room,etc?
I am stumped, have people truly lost their minds? Morals are gone completely?
I agree with this. The consequences of sex are manifold, but they DON’T include talking with parents about having sex. I’ve had plenty of sex, and I’ve never once told my parents about having sex. Not when I was sixteen, not now. That’s why my first reaction to your ultimatum is, “Screw it, you tell her”–not out of a desire to avoid responsibility, but out of a desire to let you make your own decisions and leave me to make my decisions about what conversatoins to initiate.
I’m afraid that you’ve phrased it to her in both a punishment sense and a “Watch me judge you!” sense, neither of which is probably the message you want to be sending to her.
This is what gets to me. I’d love to see if there could be a statistic that shows parents who are “uptight” about sex create kids who rebel and become the opposite out of spite. Or because sex is so sacred that kids of parents unable to communicate about sex end up with really messed up kids.
I hope, Good Egg, what you’re saying is all hyperbole. Alcohol can kill you, driving can kill you. Voting is a little different (I personally don’t see how 18 is a magical age where suddently a person understands politics). I can understand age limits on alcohol and driving. There is NO age limit on sex (except for stautory rape which I don’t agree unless there’s a clause that exempts within age limits like 2-4 years).
Sex generally doesn’t end up killing anyone. Not everyone drinks (I don’t). Not everyone drives (my GF doesn’t). But as I said, just about every human in the history of humanity fucks. Fucking is what we do best (next to killing). Why is fucking so gods damnit important?
If your kids aren’t ready for sex, fine. Tell them and let them make that choice. It should NEVER be about age (there is no magical line in the sand of when someone should have sex).
