So age 6 is okay with you, then? :dubious:
Yeah, because getting the girl’s boyfriend arrested and fucking up his life is sure to engender all kinds of good feelings between mother and child.
The time to object to the age of a girl’s boyfriend is long before you leave them alone together. Once you’ve tacitly approved of the relationship, it takes a pretty huge asshole to get a kid arrested for fooling around with his girlfriend.
Is a 6 year old naturally looking for sex? That’s some interesting kids you’ve met.
Most ‘kids’ get interested at about 10-12 but ALMOST ALL will never actually HAVE sex until after. I was certainly interested in girls at about 10-11 but I never considered having sex. Even if I had the opportunity I wouldn’t have.
So, badmana, you think a 13 year old is capable of properly raising a child? Would you want YOUR 13 year old daughter to be having sex?
plnnr, I agree you are approaching this the right way.
I don’t understand all of the “it’s just sex” or “it’s just oral sex” mentality a lot of people are showing here. IMHO, she’s a little too young. Because she’s so young, she probably doesn’t really know about safe sex, or what she could catch if she doesn’t practice safe sex.
Even if she does know, she’s still too young.
I think you handled it great, plnnr. You’re not her dad, but you’re a concerned dad type and I think you respected the whole boundary between the two.
I’da passed out right there in the living room. 13 is waaaaaay too young for stuff like that – and there is no way a teenage boy is going to keep his mouth shut. The whole school will hear about this, and she’s the only one who’s going to come out looking bad.
Does nobody have a childhood anymore?
Agreed and seconded.
As to the initial situation… I’m not sure what I would have done, but I think it’s important for you to understand and accept that whether or not it happens in your living room, it’s probably already happened before, and will likely happen again. Then it becomes clear that this should not be about ‘punishment,’ per se, rather education.
I agree with what others have said about 13 being a normal age for experimenting and the like, though I do not necessarily agree with it. Things happen. I was 15 when I first dicked around (no pun intended), my sister was 14. Come to think of it, it’s much more difficult for me to remember the names of school friends who weren’t doing something naughty than it is to remember those who were. I’m not saying that this justifies her behavior, but punishment isn’t going to put a stop to it.
Check out the thread in Great Debates for discussion on the topic of young teens and sex, just so this thread isn’t hijacked to heaven…
I think you’re misinterpreting things here. I’m talking about sex, not babies. Having sex can mean everything from hand jobs to ‘regular’ sex. Why does every fear monger always bring up babies when talking about sex?
Sex does not mean children. My GF and I have sex regularly for over 3 years and we don’t have children and neither of us is sterile. YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITHOUT HAVING A KID!
A 13 year old, depending on maturity , could certainly have sex safely. Of course, getting pregnant increases with less available information and parenting. I was given the standard sex ed in highschool and it kept me pretty safe. I don’t know how the US school system is set up in teaching this sort of thing. I fear abstanice training is going to create a boom of teen mothers.
In the OPs case, if his step daughter, in his opinion, isn’t mature enough to enforce safe sex practices, then she shouldn’t be having sex. It has nothing to do with age or pregnancy.
My brother and I used to request spanking as opposed to lectures. Spankings were over with in a matter of seconds. Lectures could last for decades. Somehow we hadn’t figured out the ‘briar patch principle.’
Well, looks like there will be a talk now. Perhaps the parents were not prepared for a 13 year old having sexual encounters. I’m not sure what the correct age for “the talk” should be, but IMHO 13 is a wee bit young for giving hummers. I think the OP handled it well. Many seem to be implying that “the talk” is some sort of punishment. I just think “The BJ” was an eye-opener that reinforced the need for “the talk”.
FWIW, I don’t think “the talk” is a punishment (although it’ll be miserable for both of them, most likely). I think the “You tell her or I will” is in the format of a punishment, and is almost certainly perceived as such by the daughter. It’s not a “natural consequences” punishment, either: it’s a “Aw man, Dad’s playing head trips with me again!” punishment.
Daniel
I think that teaching abstinence instead of safe sex is a horrible idea. I don’t support plnnr’s actions because I’m some fear mongering fundie, I support them because common sense dictates that 13 is not only too young to be having sex, but too young to rely on to have SAFE sex. I wouldn’t trust a 13 year old to tape Arrested Development for me, much less put on a rubber.
I dunno, my Junior Public school taught sex ed at 13 (grade 8). I plan on at least mentioning sex to my own kids at about 10 just to be safe. As she didn’t go to her mom to talk about sex (or at least, I assume she didn’t) maybe their lines of communication needs work?
And as his 13 year old is already giving hummers, I don’t see how that’s too young. This is the first time she was caught, remember? 
He’s giving her a choice. Mom kinda needs to be in the loop here, that’s what parents are for. So the SD could say, “No way! You tell her!” or, “Fine, I’ll tell her.” If she’s totally uncomfortable with telling her mom, she has an out, just let the OP do it. Or just keep giving blow jobs in the living room until Mom catches her.
On the contrary, remembering how mature I was at 13, that’s waaaay too young to be having sex. Way too young. I think plnnr handled it perfectly. Especially on one’s parents’ couch, in the middle of the day, when her parents are home! 13 is a very troubleing age for most girls without having to worry about sex, birth control, STDs, etc.
There’s a huge difference between freaking out and being a total anal retentive prude, and actually permitting a child (and yes, thirteen is still a child) to engage in sexual activity. Fooling around at that age should be making out and maybe a bit of petting.
plnnr-how old is her boyfriend? (No, I don’t think he should be reported to the police, but depending on the kid, I’d be very wary of letting her see him, at least without supervision.)
Heheh, with kids it’s very much like that. Minor things get lost of the shuffle (taping a show, getting home at such and such time etc) but IME 13 year olds CAN understand some of the more important aspects of life. Heck, in Canada a 12 year old can be left with children as a baby sitter (under certain conditions) so why can’t a 13 year old have safe sex?
You can legally trust a 12 year old to feed and care for a baby but you can’t have a 12 year old experiment with sex?
Right, but it’s a choice with two very unpleasant outcomes:
- Starting a humiliating conversation under duress with Mom, a conversation she doesn’t want to have, thereby knuckling under to Dad; or
- Having Dad judge her as immature and unready to accept responsibility.
plnnr could avoid this by saying, “Listen, you need to have a talk about this, but it’s probably better if it’s with your mom. I’ll ask her to talk with you about it tonight, unless you’d prefer to broach the subject.” Make #2 be a real option instead of a “You’re a child avoiding responsibility if you take this way out!”
All in all, though, I’m nitpicking about a subject that’s kinda creepy to me, so I acknowledge that I dont’ really know what I’m talking about :).
Daniel
I think you handled the situation well, plnnr.
On top of the risks of pregnancy and STDs, girls that age don’t understand that they can set themselves up for other nasty situations when the boys know that they’re willing to certain things. When I was 13 and boy-crazy, I set myself up to be raped by the friend of the boy I had a crush on. The crush wanted nothing to do with me, so he introduced me to his friend. At the time, I had barely been kissed… But with all my raging hormones, I did some pretty suggestive talking. It’s a long story, but in the end, the crush’s friend expected me to indulge him one afternoon when I was in 7th grade. 7TH GRADE.
Rape isn’t the only bad consequence, though. Boys can be very pursuasive, and when they don’t get their way, they can say some hurtful things. Or perhaps the girl is interested in a boy, and she gets hurt when she finds out that all he’s interested in getting a BJ or more. Looking back, I sorely wish I hadn’t been so stupid.
I told my story to my 13 year old niece when I found out that she’d been doing some serious making out on her bed with the boy next door. I didn’t tell her that sex was a bad thing, or that she was wrong. Instead, I talked to her about the risks involved, and the responsibility sex can place on a person.
I wish you and your wife the best of luck for tonight.
Plus people don’t take into account what happens if the kid screws up safe sex (hell, adults screw it up all the time). A 13 year old child isn’t going to be supporting the baby, it’ll be the parents – especially the parents of the boy, who can’t be held liable for child support until he’s what? 18?
Yes, there can be an abortion – but do you REALLY want a 13 year old kid to go through that? Even if there’s approval all around, that can’t be healthy.
Nor could it be healthy for a still-growing girl to go through a pregnancy and deliver, either – adoption or no.
Nothing good can come from 13 year olds screwing around at this level.
I think plnnr’s right to have the kid talk to her mother about it herself. If she’s going to be a big girl and start fooling around this young, she can be a big girl and initiate the conversation with Mom. You don’t get to do adult things one minute and then get treated like a fragile child the next when the consequences hit.
Shodan, as usual, offering sanity and a voice of reason. I’m in love.