When you were 12 or 13, would you have gone to the drugstore for a box of condoms? I would have been mortified to do that, even though (I thought) I was so ready for sex. Of course, boys may have a different outlook.
I think you did good, hon. I’ve always held to the principal that if you’re not ready to talk about sex, you’re not ready to have sex. If you’re not grown up enough to tell your parents that you’re sucking cock on their couch, you’re not grown up enough to suck cock on your parents’ couch.
Badmana, people always bring up babies because birth control only works if you use it correctly and consistently. Very few 13yo kids have the self-control to use birth control consistently and correctly, so they’re at much greater risk for becoming pregnant or diseased if they’re sexually active. Not being able or willing to enforce safe-sex practices has not, in my experience, stopped them from having sex. I had this very conversation with a friend of mine when we were 15–she was concerned that a guy might not have used a condom, and she was shocked when I asked why she hadn’t asked or checked physically. Didn’t I know that it would have been far too awkward and embarrassing? And, of course, you mention that you had sex ed in high school, which is still a year or too away for the kid in the OP.
Incidentally, sex ed varies greatly from school district to school district. My high school in rural Kentucky, which is considered a hotbed of religious conservativism, gave me a very thorough education of the reproductive system, the benefits and drawbacks of various birth control methods, the symptoms and etiologies of the more common STDs, pregnancy and childbirth, the emotional issues that can surround sex, etc. From what I’ve seen on the boards, many school systems, including those in supposedly more progressive areas, don’t have anything nearly so comprehensive.
Not to mention, badmana, if she was truly mature enough to have sex, she wouldn’t be engaging in it in the middle of the afternoon, on the living room sofa, when her parents were around!
I think my biggest issue so far is with the fact that this went on in the living room. I don’t care who you are, I walk in on you having sex of any sort on my couch, and heads (ha!) will roll.
Otherwise, I agree with how the OP handled things. Being a step-parent is a very awkward place to be sometimes, and frankly, form a stepdad POV, being stuck between your step-daughter and any sort of sexual situation can get bad very quickly. I think that the OP was right on to get mom in the loop this.
I’m sorry, this was in english when it was rolling around in my head. But you get the idea. Kudos to the OP.
We have a winner.
SD made it plnnr’s business by engaging in this activity in a manner and place where being discovered was a strong possibility. And now that it is his business and therefore his wife’s business, it has to be addressed. Mom and Dad need to make it clear what their expectations are for her conduct in their house and what the possible consequences of engaging in sex are for her.
That being said, the whole “this isn’t the Pit so I’ll refrain from teeing of on the morons who think sex between young teenagers might not be a sign of the End Times” vibe is ridiculous. I was getting and giving blow jobs at age 12 and it never did me any harm. Sex, if the people involved are able to handle it responsibly, is not a big deal. plnnr’s SD is not according to him able to handle it responsibly; that’s what makes this a big deal, not the age of the people involved.
I think you did. No big deal really except your step-daughter allowed herself to get caught. That was irresponsible and put you on the hook. You can’t have knowledge of this event and keep it from your wife. You gave her the opportunity to break this to her Mom instead of doing it yourself. Kudos big time. The object here is that never again are you subjected to this embarrassment. If it happenned again that you were made aware of this activity, that would be highly disrespectfull.
Let me say that this isn’t the end of the world. My wife started giving blow jobs to her boyfriend when she was 14. She is a very well adjusted person today and her parents are none the wiser.
I would be curious to know the age of the boyfriend, because I’m reasonably certain that it was at his instigation that the action took place on the sofa to begin with.
See, by saying “very few” you are at least open to the possiblity that some 13 years olds might be mentally and physically old enough to engage in sex. My beef is with people who flat out deny 13 years olds shouldn’t have sex period.
Yes, MANY 13 year olds shouldn’t be having sex. But that doesn’t mean one needs to draw a firm line with some arbitrary age limit.
My sex ed started at 13 (junior public school, not highschool) and ended in about grade 10 (15 years old). As a Canadian school student we had a pretty good sex education. What worries me are parents who think hiding sex is better than talking about it.
Your sex ed is probably on par with mine. At 13 I was shown the videos and taught the lingo. We even did the “put on the condom on the wood dildo” thing.
Guinastasia, I don’t see how picking a place to have sex is a sign of maturity. She/he was stupid in trying to get it on inside the house with the OP nearby but it’s not like adults don’t make that mistake either. Many younger people don’t have the money to get a room or have a car so it’s a question of necessity vs opportunity 
Well sure, because no girl in the history of the world has ever been curious about sucking cock. She was obviously forced, better check her neck for bruises. :rolleyes:
Some of the ignorance I see in this thread is astounding. Just because plnnr thinks it’s appropriate for the girl’s mother to know about her own daughter’s behavior and gave the child the option to broach the subject privately on her own, doesn’t imply that he thinks sex is bad or that her mother is going to lecture her against any and all sex ever, whether it be oral sex or intercourse. I also don’t get where people are jumping to the conclusion that her mother’s never discussed sex with her before. Perhaps she has, but it oviously needs to be re-addressed.
The fact of the matter is that this 13 year old girl has already possibly put herself at risk for STIs, including HIV, even if she has never done anything beyond giving this one blow job. We don’t know this boy’s sexual history, and this may very well not be the first time the girl’s done this, either.
STIs CAN be transmitted orally.
Oral sex isn’t a bad thing, or something only bad girls do. But ALL girls (and boys!) need to understand there are risks, the consequences of which they might be way too young to handle. Having this conversation with her daughter is vital to her daughter’s health and well-being, both emotionally and physically. Even if the mother understands that nature has taken its course – her child is already experimenting with her sexuality, and it will only escalate over time (duh!, that’s the point!), the daughter still needs to know and understand the risks, and know and understand the proper use of protection, if she continues to engage in this behavior. And since this is likely the first time she’s ever been caught doing anything in the home, “house rules” need to be established and discussed, whatever those turn out to be.
plnner absolutely did the right thing in stopping it on the spot, not embarrassing the girl in front of her boyfriend, and letting her know she’s going to have to talk to her mother about it one way or the other. Kudos.
Don’t be so sure. I don’t even want to tell you how young I was when I started experimenting – and it was always my idea.
I’ve seen your picture - where the hell were you when I was single, you tease?
But you say “arranging for the arrest and fucking up the life” of the person who seduced my barely pubescent step-daughter like it’s such a bad thing.
Regards,
Shodan
:rolleyes:
Yep. So let’s change things. Stepdaughter is now 24 and married. plnnr catches her giving her hubby a blowjob on his couch when he comes in from mowing the lawn. He’d have every right to be upset then, too.
And I’m not saying that this girl will be messed up just because she has sex at an early age. But I still feel that 13 is far, far too young. I just remember how stupid and ignorant I was at 13, and some of the STUPID questions we used to get at SAAN from young teens. The idea of these kids being sexually active scares the shit out of me-considering the enormity of the consequences.
Shodan, we don’t know how old the boyfriend is. Unless he’s about 25, (which I doubt), there’s no need putting all the blame on the boy. In this case, it takes two to tango, and I abhor the idea that girls are helpless, empty-headed victims. They’re both stupid kids. So why only punish the boy?
Guinastasia, as a (step)father, and as her only father-figure, Dad’s tend to be overprotective of their little girls. It is probably irrational, but I can’t be rational in 100% of what I do, so I’ll let this area stay irrational.
At 13, I would have done/said anything to get a hummer (not much has changed, but that’s besides the point). I would have coerced, lied, pleaded, begged and used everything short of physical force. Fortunately (or unfortunately, as the case may be), at 13, I couldn’t get a girl to give me a second glance other than to renew a scowl. I was around none of my female peers who freely experimented.
That is the fishbowl through which I will be peering when my daughter dates. They are nothing but hormony, horny young boys who, should they so much as hold my daughter’s hand, will have their legs broken. The fact that I will only be thinking that and not doing that will be, to me, all the restraint and rationality I’m required to show. Touch anything other than her hand, and he will lose the limb.
I think you handled it just fine. I’d probably meet with the boyfriend’s parents to let them know that your children have progressed farther sexually than you’d like. Ask them if they’ll help monitor the two of them to make sure they remain supervised. It also means being a bit more diligent in double checking to see if they are where they say they are so that they know they are being watched.
I might also meet with them as a couple and explain your concerns. It’ll be extremely embarrassing for them, but it’s important that they both know what your expectations and limitations are. Sex is normal and healthy. But it’s a progressive thing, both in terms of age and in terms of the relationship. And they need to respect that progression and take things more slowly.
Ironically, your running interference may actually improve their sex life. Some of my most memorable sexual experiences didn’t involve direct genital contact. There’s a lot to be said for four hour make-out sessions that I think teenagers today are missing out on. What a shame.
Not for the same reasons, obviously, since you have removed almost all the factors that make the scenario objectionable.
Can’t argue with this.
My trouble is with those who seem to believe that parents have neither the ability nor the right to interfere with anything their children want, ever. An attitude for which I have not even a trace of sympathy.
Or, almost as offensive, this kind of thing:
where we are told that sex is a cheap, meaningless interaction of no significance. For a thirteen-year-old.
I don’'t seem to remember saying anything about punishing “only” the boy. Unless, as I mentioned, he is significantly older than the girl, in which case, I would do what I could to ensure that, in all sincerity, he regrets what he did for as long as it takes for him to know better.
Regards,
Shodan
The young man is 13 also, and I have a very real suspicion that once his parents find out he’ll be back to using Victoria’s Secret and his right hand.
So is it safe to assume you and your wife plan to tell his parents?
See, I’m not telling my father or mother ANY details of my sex life. I don’t care if I’m 80! Discussing sex without the specifics is what they need to do. They don’t need to discuss the blow job.
And, the more I see and hear, the more it is becoming apparent that kids today do not think blow jobs are sex. The vast majority of them seem to think it’s just like French kissing. Only…French-er.