At what point am I justified in strangling my sister, the bride?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So my sister is getting hitched again, and I wish her all the happiness in the world.

As far as I can tell, this time around isn’t going to the same extravaganza as last time, but it’s nowhere near my laid-back backyard wedding on the casualness scale.

But time is growing short, and we’re getting down to the nitty-gritty planning stages. She sent an email, saying that she ordered the bride’s maid’s dresses, describing them briefly . . . sounds nice until we get to the part where she lets me know that it’s strapless.

Oy fucking vey. How the hell am I supposed to tan for strapless at this point in the summer? I anticipated sleeveless, and managed to avoid my usual farmer tan, but fucking strapless? My arms are dark, and, because I’ve been wearing tanktops, my shoulders are white. She thinks nothing of nipping off for the tanning salon for that kind of thing, but I’ve never been in a tanning bed, and honestly, I don’t really want to try. Tan in a bottle? Uh, I think not. Last thing I need to do is turn myself some unnatural chemical color so I feel like even more of a freak. So, what, next three sunny days, I have to blow off work so I can bake out in the yard in a tube top?

At least I already have a decent strapless bra.

Next: fun fun fun. She tells me that she and her fiance would like me to read something for the wedding. They can’t decide what they want people to read, so they’re sending a list of bibilical passages, prayers, poems, and short readings, and I am to pick two, in case two people pick the same, and then eventually they’ll let me know what I will be reading.

Uhhhh, okay.

First off, my dear sister, since you have known me for so long, you might have picked up by this point that I am a freakin’ atheist, and as such I would sooner perform a root canal on myself during the service than read from scripture or–Christ on a pogo stick–say a prayer.

But, fine, upon rereading I saw that the email was not addressed to me personally but sent to a bunch of people (BCC’d, apparently), so I skipped over the religious ones (the usual suspects, “whither thou goest” from Ruth, “Love is freakin’ patient, love is freakin’ kind,” carefully removed from context so that yer average bonehead who doesn’t bother to read the Bible won’t notice that they actually have nothing to do with romatic love between a husband and wife . . . but I digress) and read the poetry an other stuff they’ve selected.

Oh, dear merciful Og. Barf. Puke! Retch. GAG

They vary from the merely cloying to the sort of thing to which my grandfather, a diabetic, should definitely not be exposed; from the merely clunky to the outright ungrammatical (to which no one should be exposed). Most of it sounds like it came out of self-help books, for the love of Mike. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m betting that they all came out of a book or books on planning your wedding or sheets of Xeroxes from the pastor’s File o’ Wedding Readings.

I am seriously considering the reading from Ruth. At least that qualifies as literature, and I can picture myself reading it with a straight face–though I think I would demand to read the RSV passage, instead of the ‘whither thou goest’ of the KJV. (Inclusion of “thou” automatically make a quote more godly, doesn’t it?)

I am probably more ticked off about this than I should be, but right at the moment I’m annoyed as heck. Of course I’ll settle on the two least odious passages, and I’ll wear the stupid dress, hopefully without displaying any unattractive tan lines, I’ll do my best to look all pretty and smile and read whatever is assigned to me, and my sister will have the lovely wedding she wants, but thank god for the internet so I don’t have to pretend to be enthusiastic for a few months.

sigh I guess that her way is typical, and my wedding was just weird because I let people wear what they wanted, and I invited our readers to chose something on their own, rather than making them mouthpeices for a bunch of impersonal “love is a blooming flower / more beautiful every hour” tripe. [That is a pastiche, not a direct quote.]

Hell, I’m probably being uncharitable. Now that I think about it, she probably chose some more secular stuff with me in mind. :frowning: Wah, I am a terrible sister. :frowning:

2

Alternatively, you could pick the most devout passage of the lot and read it sarcastically. :smiley:

3

Uhm, yeah, I’m sorry to say but you are being a terrible sister. Since this isn’t the Pit, I’ll refrain from telling you just how angry this post made me. So your sister isn’t having the type of wedding you had – poor, poor you. News flash – it’s HER wedding, not yours!!!

So your tan lines will show with a strapless dress – so what? I had the make-up artist who did my make-up for my wedding, put make-up on my shoulders, chest and arms. She used the “air brushing” method, which doesn’t wipe off or run. If you can’t afford to pay a professional, go buy some “all day” foundation and some make-up sponges and practice blending it with your skin tones.

And if you’re that unhappy that you should actually have to read something nice to your sister that she’s chosen as a reading for her ceremony (gah, I want to flame you so bad, but I’m holding back), why not ask her if she’d mind if you pick something yourself and get her approval beforehand? Tell her you love her and want your words to come from your heart. How about making her feel loved and respected instead of being angry that she’d have the audacity to want you to be a part of her ceremony in such a special way. :rolleyes:

You’re obviously angry about something, but hell if I can figure out what it is from this post. I’d highly recommend working on that if you want to have a pleasant day (or a relationship with your sister when it’s all over).

4

Depending on the religion/church involved, she may be very limited as to which readings are allowable. My husband is Catholic and we got married in a Catholic church; for a good portion of the ceremony (though not the whole thing) we could only choose readings from a certain selection. I chose the ones most agreeable to my husband and I. As for the KJV comment regarding “thou”, that was the proper language usage of the time, and not a special religious usage - if I recall correctly, it was the informal version of “you”. (Note that this makes referring to God - or God/Jesus referring to people - with “thou” into a very close relationship, like the father/child relationship often cited.)

Regarding the dresses, sorry about the hassle, but I can’t tell if there’s a “fault” here - summer weddings often involve dresses with slim straps at the very least, so that’s not uncommon. She should have told you as soon as she’d decided the style so things like tans, strapless bras, etc., could be worked out.

And yes, letting people wear what they want is pretty uncommon. I’ve definitely heard of it being done before, but none of my many friends/relatives who’ve gotten married have done that, not even the upcoming Unitarian wedding I’m standing up in - I was kind of surprised, but she asked me to get dyed-to-match shoes for my bridesmaid dress. (For my wedding, I just told the bridesmaids that burgundy was a good color, and to wear whatever shoes they wanted.)

5

Well, Shayna beat me to it.

Not yet. Not by a long shot.

To sum up: you’re ready to throttle your sister because:
a) She had the audacity to pick a strapless bridesmaid dress when she knew you had tan lines, and
b) She sent you selection of readings to choose from, none of which you would have picked, given your druthers.

What. Ever.

No one’s going to give a damn, except you, what you look like in your bridesmaid’s dress. If for any reason anyone notices that you have tan lines, they’ll know you didn’t pick the dress, just as everyone for ages has always understood that bridesmaid’s gowns are selected by the bride. They’re going to be looking at your sister. You’re more or less additional, background, scenery.

About the readings: maybe you’re right, and she passed on whatever readings other people had suggested to her. Have you checked with her about whether she has her heart set on these? Chances are, she’d be happy for you to pick something that comes from you. Perhaps she just didn’t want to ask one more thing of you (namely, researching and editing a reading on top of reading it at the ceremony). Given your attitude – “I don’t have to pretend to be enthusiastic for a few months” – she’s probably right not to want to impose more involvement on you than she already has.

The point is that the wedding is about her and her intended, not you. Whether or not you like the dress, whether or not the readings are to your taste, whether or not the Biblical readings are in modern English or King James-style, the ceremony and its trappings are not about how you would have done it. I understand your post was just to blow off some steam in what can be a stressful family time, but if you can’t be genuinely happy for your sister and respectful of her choices, you might consider backing out of participating altogether. If I’d thought my sister had such an attitude about my wedding, I’d have been sad as hell. I also say all this after my fair share of bridesmaid and reader duties; if it isn’t joyful for you, don’t bother.

6

Thanks for not flaming me Shayna.

I think you must have missed the part where I said I would do everything in my power to be sure that she’s has a the perfect wedding, including looking nice for her and reading whatever I get stuck with while smiling to express my joy at her union with the man she loves. I love my sister dearly, and I want her to have a special and happy day.

I would never ever ever ever say or do anything that might make her feel that I don’t love and respect her and I cannot figure out how you got from my post that I would be anything other than 100% supportive and loving to her.

That is why I’m blowing off steam about it on a message board and hoping that some other tortured bride’s maids will come along with worse horror stories so I can laugh with them and not feel so pissed off.

I’m angry about not having any input on the style of the dress coupled with the short notice (“What? You mean that unlike me, you haven’t been carefully tanning all summer so that you can wear strapless at the drop of a hat?”), and the dictatorial tone of the email about the readings: these are your choices, pick two (out of the five choices that aren’t explicitly religious), and we’ll let you know what you’re doing. Not to mention that I was a bit appalled and embarassed at her awful taste in poetry. Ugh!

It’s possible that she would let me do a reading of my choosing, but the email certaily didn’t seem to be offering any choices to me. It didn’t ask, would you like to read for us? Or, would you consider the following passages? Just : We’d like you to read at our wedding. Pick your top two choices, and we’ll tell you what you get. I would be delighted to be included in the ceremony, normally, but I’m more than a bit put off by being told that I’m going to read for them, and being told what I’m going to read. I was taught (by the same mother, no less) that even if you know someone will accept glady, you still need ask politely.

Like I said, I’m going to pick the two I hate least, and I’m going to read for them, and I’m going to do it with a smile, and she’s not going to hear a whisper of a complaint from me, because I love her and I want things to be just as she wants them. I just need to blow off some fucking steam.

And, jeezamighty, I’m not worried about tan lines for my sake. If I was only concerned about myself I’d show up with a farmer tan, bare hairy legs, and comfortable low-heeled shoes, and refuse to wear any makeup But I know that it’s important to her that everyone look nice, so just like her last wedding, I’ll shave my legs, buy pantyhose, get some nice shoes (at least we’re getting out own shoes so I don’t have to get another pair of dyed-to-match pumps), and get my make-up done, and I’ll stand up straight and smile so that I look as pretty as it’s possible for her fat ol’ geeky, clumsy, slouchy sister to look–for her sake.

Thanks for the advice, but I find the idea of coating my face, neck, shoulders, back and bosom with makeup a tad repulsive. I don’t know what her makeup arrangments will be, either (last time, they did our makeup at the salon where they did our hair) and it doesn’t seem safe to assume–and it’s a sucker bet that since I know not the first goddamn thing about makeup, I couldn’t possibly buy the right stuff in the right shade for my skin tone. I think I’m safer doing it the ol’ fashioned way.

Denise, they’re being married in by a Lutheran pastor, and, IIRC, it’s not going to actually be in a church, but in a small hall. And, uh, I know what “thou” means. I just think that reading from the KJV in an ELCA ceremony is a bit pretentious, since the ELCA prefers a more modern translation. Because it’s in archaic language, the KJV is often chosen to sound more formal and religious. But what do I know, maybe they just thought it was more poetic or something. shrug

And it’s not a summer wedding, it’s a fall wedding, so I wasn’t expecting to have to show bare shoulders. Hopefully I’ll be able to tan . . . we usually get some sunny weather in August. . .

7

Slightly off-topic, but am I the only person remaining on the planet who thinks its really tacky to have strapless dresses in a wedding, especially one that’s religious/in a church?

8

It probably was chosen for its sound - archaic or not (and other translation issues aside), the KJV is often quite poetic and lovely, especially compared to many modern translations. Those are easier to understand but many lack something in how they sound.

9

Being kind of pissy about a few hours of making someone else happy aren’t you? You can’t really be this petty and self absorbed so I’m going to chalk it up some other elephant sized issue hiding in the background bushes somewhere. I’m also an atheist and I would gladly read a biblical passage or bad poetry for my siblings at their wedding. Get over yourself.

10

But it could be Love between two women.

11

I didn’t miss a thing, Podkayne, most especially not your attitude.

You’re “annoyed as heck” and you’re glad you “don’t have to pretend to be enthusiastic.” And not only that, you’re “appalled and embarassed at her awful taste in poetry.” Embarrassed?? Good grief!

In two words… Grow Up.

You seem to have taken great offense that you weren’t “asked”, but told what you’d be reading. Get. Over. Yourself. Your sister is busier than a one-toothed beaver with both arms tied behind it’s back. She has a LOT on her mind, which is probably ready to explode right now with all the minutia she’s dealing with. And you piss and whine because she gave you a list of suggested readings that you get to choose from, and somehow this translates into dictating what you do as opposed to asking you. It sounds to me like you’re criticizing her for her lack of manners and/or social skills, in spite of your protests otherwise. Gee, how nice that you’re so much better than she is, which is shocking – shocking, I tell you – given that you were raised by the same mother.

Your poor sister.

I’ll be damned if I’m going to pat you on the back because you intend to show up smiling through gritted teeth.

The point is, you have nothing – NOTHING – to be this pissed off about. Your attitude STINKS, no matter what your ultimate actions will be, and that speaks volumes about your character.

You’ve got several months (it’s July and the wedding is in the Fall, sometime), yet you’re bitching about possible tan lines. How about this for a solution – stay out of the sun entirely for the next 2 months and let your “dark” arms fade back to more of their natural color. Or wear strong sun screen to prevent further tanning in areas where it’s not wanted.

You want “worse horror stories”???

HORROR stories?

I fail to see anything horrible about what you’ve described.

Well, except your attitude.

12

Jesus Christ, Shayna. She’s not saying this stuff to her sister, she’s letting out anonymously on a message board. Shes said she’ll be nice to her sister and wants to make her day as good as possible. She’s not allowed to have feelings about the wedding herself, even when she lets them out in a way that’s not going to hurt or mess up her sister’s day at all? Ease up, woman.

13

Jeepers, all the free psychoanalysis! What a bargain. I am not angry with my sister over anything else. I don’t have issues. (That I know of.) I did just spend the hottest, stickiest, most uncomfortable weekend of the entire summer with my mother-in-law, and that might have something to do with my general level of irritability.

I love my sister, and I want desperately for her to be happy, and anything I can do to be a part of that is a bargain in terms of time and effort. She’s had a rough time of it lately. It started with her divorce, which went horribly, and wasn’t her fault, and was just terrible for her. As if that wasn’t enough, she had some major health problems, requiring surgery. And she got through it all, and overcame all those obstacles to finish college and get her master’s degree, and found this great new guy, and they are happy and in love and getting married, and really, I am so fucking proud of her that I don’t have the words to express it.

Perhaps my title was ill-chosen . . . I’m obviously not literally gonna strangle her. Not even in the same ballpark. I’m not even going say word one about anything I’ve bitched about in this thread to her or to Mom (because there’s a chance, albeit a small one, that it might get from Mom back to her.)

I’m just annoyed about a couple of things and I wanted to vent, so everyone can say there-there, Podkayne, buck up, it’s not as bad as the time I had to wear sea-green taffeta and dance the chicken dance. Sheesh. I even said I’m probably much more annoyed about it than I have the right to be.

I guess none of this came out the way I meant it.

And to summaraize and correct what might be a vital misunderstanding: I am enthusiastic about my sister, her husband-to-be, the wedding in general, their prospects for a happy life together, etc., etc., etc. but am unfortunately NOT enthusiastic about the prospect of looking awful in a dress (because I want everything about her wedding to be beautiful and perfect, and I know that I have little chance of pulling it off, even with the perfect tan) and reading some goofy ol’ poem that I didn’t even pick out myself.

Read whatever childhood or familial issues into that that you need to.

14

Is there just a hint of jealousy showing through here? Like maybe you did have the throw-down backyard type of wedding with regrets now that you didn’t take the time to maybe plan something a little more memorable?
Whatever the reason, geesh when I read something like this post I am so happy in my heart that I am blessed with four brothers. They just do as they are told, no complaints, no behind the back bitching. I would rather not have a sister than to have one such as yourself. Yea, you posted it on a message board, real private like, for what? 12,000 strangers to read? You know you really shouldn’t post anything that you wouldn’t want your very best and dearest friend to read.
I’d lay easy on Shayna if I were you, she’s quite the classy lady and you are no match for her in any regard.
Not everyone is atheist, so it would kill you to read a passage from the Bible just in the context that it’s another book? Hate to lay this one on you but the Bible contains some beautiful passages that have nothing to do with religion.
At any rate, the biggest favor you could do your sister is to back out of this wedding. While you may think you can hide your venom, I don’t think you’ll be able to do it for longer than a few minutes.

15

All brides go a little crazy. Never met one that hasn’t and I’ve met a lot. I know it’s frustrating, Podkayne, but if these are the weirdest, most demanding requests your sister makes of you, count your blessings.

16

Wait until you actually see the bridesmaids’ dresses. They will look awful. This is tradition. A bride instinctively picks awful dresses for the bridesmaids so that she will be the prettiest member of the wedding party. Since it is her wedding, that’s only fair. Don’t worry about what you will look like.

No one will pay any attention to what you read, either, so long as it is short. For everyone’s sake, please pick something short.

I do think your sister is being a bit pushy having such a fancy second wedding. Fortunately for me, my wife had already had a fancy first wedding and had gotten it out of her system. We had a very simple wedding, and have been happily married for 27 years.

17

Just for the record, just because “1 Corinthians 13” isn’t about eros love between a man and a woman doesn’t mean it’s not appropriate for a wedding. For a marriage to be successful it must be filled with eros, agape and philios.

Just wanted to clear that up so you don’t think all us dumb Christians don’t know what we’re doing.

j

18

Youch.

I’m emailing mods to shut down this thread, so, uh, get in your final whacks against me while you can. :frowning:

None of this came out the way I wanted it to, and it’s definitely not productive at fucking all, though I guess I never had any reasonable expectation of it being so.

Even though it’s a rant, I didn’t want to post this thread in the pit because I was just blowing of steam about a few things, and definitely I didn’t want to imply that I was actually angry at my sister. I suppose my language came out sounding a lot stronger than I meant. This thread seems like it should be moved to the Pit now, and I’d rather close it down before there’s one more thing that can be misconstrued.

Um, so, if it means anything to any of you, I really really really really love her, and I want her wedding to go exactly as she imagined it, even if her idea of the perfect wedding is almost the exact opposite of mine

There’s no way I would ever, through deed or omission, show any disapproval to her. I will wear the dress as well as I can, because it means that I have the honor of being an important part of her special day, and I will read her reading, and whatever it is I will read it with the sentiment that is in my heart, which is filled with nothing but pride and love for her, and the sincerest hope for happiness for her and her new husband.

I am not sure who I should apologize to, or why, but people seem mightily offended by what I wrote, so, I guess, I’m sorry.

I know I don’t have to apologize to my sister, because, whatever strangers might think about our relationship based on a rant on a message board, she knows that I love her and think the world of her, because I tell her every time we talk, and I think she knows that I would do anything for her, just like I know I can always rely on her.

19

Moderator’s Notes: That’s just about enough sniping and bickering. In fact, it is enough. You folks are pushing this thread pretty near the precipice of The Pit. Y’all are gonna stop it right now, right?

Thanks.

20

Good idea.

Bad idea.

Thread closed at request of originator.