I had a dry spell of 2 1/4 years after the breakup of my marriage. I needed time to heal after a 33 year marriage before getting naked with someone else. I’m back to my former self now, thankyouverymuch. I’m glad it wasn’t a dealbreaker for the lucky guy!
At no point for me, but then I’m 28 so it’s unlikely that a guy in my dating pool would have been celibate for more than 10 years anyway. I’ll insert the caveat that I’d worry about him having too low of a sex drive for me. But if our drives matched up well, I don’t care what happened before we start dating.
I doubt most people have a problem with celibacy in and of itself - but when you are talking 5 years or more - kind of a red flag. Sort of like someone living with their parents at 40. In theory - I don’t have a problem with it, but I don’t think we’d be a good match.
Not even sure celibate is the right word if you are intending to fuck. To me I’ve never been celibate - I’ve been unlucky. Same with food - never been fasting, but have been hungry, haven’t ate for a while…
Why would it come up, OP? (I know, kayaker, cause he hasn’t used it in twenty years) But seriously, why would you tell anyone that? If it’s something private, don’t share.
It’s a courtesy to link to a thread that inspired the one you’re starting, but that doesn’t mean you can expect everyone to follow the link. If there’s any essential content from Thread A that you think people ought to read in order to understand your OP in Thread B. the best thing is to quote it in your OP.
Hell, it would actually be a deal MAKER for me. I have no sex drive at all and the thought of sex just grosses me out. Someone who wants to be in a romantic relationship with me but a guarantee of no sex? Sign me up.
Maybe I’m not getting the poll answers.
I would not enter into a relationship with a woman who told me that she intended to remain celibate.
OTOH, if she’d been celibate for a month or 20 years before we got together, it really isn’t my business or concern.
Female, wouldn’t matter.
Unfortunately I voted before the latest clarification. If she’s willing to have sex on a schedule that I’m comfortable with (fairly early in the relationship) then her prior celibacy is much less relevant. Over 5 years would give me pause, depending on the circumstance, but it is no deal breaker. Over 10 years suggests a fundamental incompatibility in our attitude towards sex.
So I answered the question correctly then. Neither a guy being a virgin nor a long voluntary (or involuntary??) “dry spell” would turn me off. Hell I’m planning on going on a very long dry spell myself since my last relationship ended and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who would hold that against me. I don’t get people who are thinking that there’s some sort of sexual problem with people who aren’t having regular sex voluntarily.
I agree that I’m not sure how it’d come up. I don’t really want to know more about my partner’s past sex lives other than currently pertinent health information. I really don’t expect or want a blow-by-blow.
There are some very good reasons for dry spells-- healing after a previous relationship, living away from good potential partners, etc. There are also some worrying reasons for dry spells, such as having major social issues or a low sex drive. The celibacy itself wouldn’t be an issue, but the underlying reason certainly could be.
Your first answer is one year? That’s way too long, it’s a deal breaker the moment I find out about it. So I guess my answer would be “instantly”.
When they reveal that they are celibate.
See post #17.
If this is about past celibacy then it doesn’t matter to me. The reasons why this potential partner was celibate may make a difference, but not the celibacy itself.
Also, 16 years of celibacy is not at all unusual, most people have had a dry spell at least that long.
Probably true if you’re counting the first or last 16 years of life.
Exactly.
OP, you should have clarified PAST Celibacy. This is the Dope, we take things in every possible interpretation.
Seeing the clarified intention of the OP (length of *ongoing *“dry spell” before possibly getting it on with you) it will be, though, interesting to see if a contrast arises between this scenario and the discussion on virginity. Like others have mentioned, the more important questions IRL for the person confronted with that would be about what’s the underlying reason; but I suppose the intent of the poll is to see at what point “not having sex for [prolonge period of time]” becomes the sort of “deal-breaker, someone who does not have regular sex/LTRs at this stage in life has issues I’d rather not deal with” thing that was sometimes posted when discussing late-life virginity.
Because, hey, 10+ years is a prolonged time and if for example that means they had sex in their late teens but then abstained through young adulthood, that person may in fact have problems similar to just plain older first-timers. (And BTW, I would not be surprised to have someone reply that when faced with someone who says “I have abstained for X years, but I think you may be The One” they’d run away so fast they’d knock the fire door off its hinges.)
This is just like any other point of sexual compatibility. For example:
[ul]
[li] A heterosexual dating someone gay. Closeted or not, that’s not going to work out well for anyone involved. [/li][li] Someone with very vanilla tastes dating someone who is really into BDSM. Yeah, not going to work. Neither party will be particularly satisfied, though one of them might be willing to pretend for a while.[/li][li] High sexual drive dating someone with a low sex drive. Both will be frustrated by trying to reach some kind of compromise that is outside of their normal behavior.[/li][li] Someone who places a high value on physical intimacy dating someone who likes sex, but doesn’t like touching much otherwise. One person is going to feel used, the other smothered.[/li][/ul]
None of the above match-ups is likely to produce a good relationship. The very best you might hope for is a friendship, after a disastrous false start.
Sex is a fundamental part of a romantic relationship. I have many relationships with people I don’t fuck and don’t really want to fuck; they’re called “friends.”
I might be willing to wait for a while for someone to get comfortable or whatever, but if sex isn’t at least a consideration from very early on in the relationship, it’s never going to be anything but a friendship. Probably not even that unless the person is extremely compatible. I’ve got a decent quota of friends already, and very limited social time. Even if I were magically single with no kids, a date or two a week represents a big chunk of my free time. I’d rather spend that time maintaining relationships with my friends — you know, the people I have existing social relationships with that I don’t fuck — than invest the time in someone new who may not even make a good friend in the end.
The other scenario proposed: someone who has been celibate in the past, but is considering ending that period with me; A significant period of celibacy — whether voluntary or involuntary — at the very least indicates a fundamental difference in the importance we place on sexual intimacy. I don’t really care what the reason the person has for not having sex. It could be due to religious conviction, mental problems, therapeutic drug side effects, lightning strike, natural lack of sex drive, social incompetence etc. Whatever it is, I know that not having sex for years shows that I am going to be dealing with a person who either has some significant issues, or is simply incompatible with me.
At this point in my life, I’m not likely to spend much — if any — time and energy “fixing” someone. I also know what my needs are, and I’m absolutely not willing to subsume my needs for very long for someone I have a significant emotional attachment to already, much less someone I just started dating. You could be my soulmate in other ways, but sex is important enough that I’m willing to accept a much lower level non-sexual compatibility in a partner if we are compatible sexually.
In other words, if we are dating, we are going to be fucking at some point. Probably sometime very soon, or we aren’t going to be dating for long.
I also need to know if we’re sexually compatible, totally aside from the sex drive / frequency aspect. If I wait six months before we have sex, and we do it a few times and I realize that we’re shitty in bed together, I’ve just blown more than half a year on a relationship that’s going nowhere, and probably passed up other, better opportunities, and invested a big chunk of my very limited free time on you. Unless you’re a mind-blowingly great inspirational angel of a human being, that’s a poor investment of my time and energy.