Attention--Rhymer Enterprises' days are numbered

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

ATTENTION – ATTENTION – TO ALL DOPERS

This is a public service announcement.

I have decided to overthrow Rhymer Enterprises. To this end, I have assembled the most formidable fighting force ever seen in this universe or any other. (If you have noticed any unusual changes in the timeline lately, my forces are probably responsible.) My plans are far enough advanced that I can go public–I do not wish to cause unnecessary loss of life in the Doper community. If you are in the service of Rhymer Enterprises, get out now. Do not depend on Skald to protect you. If you do not heed this warning, you will be in for some highly unpleasant surprises.

I have been planning this for some time. The last breakthrough that I needed came when my R & D team was able to successfully weaponize the Warble Field, a process that Dr. Warble himself participated in. It will do no harm to reveal that part of the process involved the inverse polarization of red-shifted tachyons. Not even Skald himself will be able to use that information with the accompanying key–which he does not have and cannot get. Nor will Skald be able to defeat me by time travel. My scientists have developed a means of locking down certain key points in time. I’m sure that he will not believe this. I would love to be able to see his face when he realizes certain unpleasant facts.

I am prepared to offer a general amnesty to any Doper who has helped or worked for Rhymer Enterprises in any capacity. Be warned, however–to be eligible for this, you must accept within 48 hours. Also, any Doper who joins my forces within 48 hours will be rewarded with a personal interview with a historical figure of your choice. (Translation services will be given, if needed.)

I will soon be the first truly benevolent dictator of the universe. Join me while you still can.

END OF GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT

beep-beep boop-boop-boop beep-beep-beep-beep

The contented flea sings Carmen.

The metal violin plays softly.

When at first you don’t succeed, try using wet gunpowder.

Perseverance is a virtue, until you roll down the hill.

The military waltz is a unique art.

The usual time plus 45 minutes is the new time.

beep-beep-beep-beep beep-beep-beep-beep

2

I suppose that’s worth a try, but if the James Bond movies have taught us anything it’s that henchmen and minions will fight to the death for a mastermind who is sneaking out of the lair to a waiting submarine.

3

As the lowest ranking member of Rhymer Enterprises’ mail room, I’ve been given the honor of informing you, that His Eminence already knew of your plans and has spun off a parallel universe in which your machinations have all taken place. Your agents have been working against chronotic echoes in the form of His Eminence’s power structure.

My insertion into your timeline has severed its connection to the multiverse, so you will be prisoner here, a king in a tiny fiefdom, a petty potentate with one of an infinite number of universes and timelines to call his own, whose great dreams of success were undercut as the fifth item on the agenda of a daily meeting, right before the bathroom break.

Also, I am made of anti-matter, and the magnetic bottle containing me is due to degrade any time now.

4

If Skald gives me my Crystal Wand back, and with the help of The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, you’re toast and I’m Control Queen of the Multiverse.

5

ISTM that if we had noticed any changes to the timeline at all, it would be because your vaunted “forces” executed them incompetently.

I’ll continue to bestow my allegiance upon the man with the bees, thankyouverymuch.

ETA: And the baked goods. How did you think you could possibly succeed at this fool’s errand without even CONSIDERING providing refreshments?

6

Indeed. I don’t want to lose part of my livelihood to a new master, at least not without knowing said new master would provide just as well for me.

7

RIP Flyer. He will be missed.

And if by some miracle this insurrection proves successful, let me be the first to welcome our new Flyer overlord!

8

As a highly skilled, but amoral, drifter I am willing to work for the one who pays the most, even switching sides as the bidding escalates. If you want me on your side, or at least not working for Skald, better open your wallet nice and wide. Skald may be a bit of a fuddy-duddy compared to some of the celebrity supervillains, but I don’t see him in much danger from the likes of you. Not without my help, anyway.

9

See? This is why I stay out of these petty political games.

My mentor had a habit of doing that whole Counting Coup thing, and telling people ahead of time that he would be coming after them.

Where did that get him? Dead.

10

One empire of purple prose is being supplanted by another?

All hail the new king, I guess.

11

Skald’s criminal empire isn’t thefirst we had here. It has lasted longer than its predecessor. Can it outlast this upstart?

12

It’s 11:59 on Radio Free America; this is Uncle Sam, with music, and the truth until dawn. Right now I’ve got a few words for some of our brothers and sisters in the occupied zone: “the chair is against the wall, the chair is against the wall”, “john has a long mustache, john has a long mustache”.

13

Hi, Flyer -

If you win, I was on your side all along.

If you die, can I have your money?

Regards,
Shodan

14

Does this mean an end to cat pictures in threads where a someone has a new feline ?

I’m more of a dog person myself. :smiley:

15

We never went away, we just went deeper underground. Off the radar if you will. Surely you don’t think the world got this screwed up on its own.

16

Have you met people? Yes I do. And my name’s not Surely.

(Nothing rhymed in this post.)

17

That’s some nice propaganda – but that’s ALL it is. Do you really think that I would start an attack without taking basic precautions?

18

Anybody who supports me will be rewarded nicely. If pies, cakes, etc are your thing, you will receive a life-time supply. (But don’t blame me if you get fat.)

If your tastes run towards other. . . physical aspects, I will happily insert you into the Star Trek timeline and give you appropriate currency, so that you can acquire your own personal Orion slave girl.

19

**Skald **and I go way back. At least three years. I may be a minion, and he may blame me every damned time something goes wrong, but I’m Skald’s minion. Besides, he bred those wonderful radioactive-bee-breathing Rottweilers for me. That’s the way straight to this girl’s heart.

And, as others have pointed out, you are sorely lacking in refreshments. Us minions don’t work for nuthin’, ya know.

20

Have at it, friend. I’m sending over the keys to the joint by UPS. I have directed the various 'bots, dragons, and so forth to follow your every order. There is no reason to suspect that anything is booby-trapped, that any of the food is poisoned, or that any of your minions are double agents. I mean no harm to you or anyone. Everybody knows I woudn’t hurt a fly.

How are you a minion? You get paid for doing NO WORK, and every time you screw up I dock SOMEONE ELSE’S PAY.