This is sort of an offshoot of the “SDMB pregnant dopers” thread. Please feel free to add any other “rules” new parents might need.
1.There is no better laxative than a clean diaper.
2.The chances an outfit, either your own or the child’s, will become stained in such a manner it becomes unfit to wear in public increase to 99.98% if it’s your favorite piece of apparel.
3.If the child eats crayons, they stay the same color.
4.The child’s need for something drastically rises only if you are completely immersed in another project, like giving the dog a bath or laying tile in the bathroom.
5.Never plan a photo session too far in advance. If it’s over a week, you have given the kid the time to fall down and injure their perfect little face.
6.If you’re a woman, get a HUGE purse. No matter the size of your diaper bag, you’ll still put graham crackers, toys, extra baby wipes, etc into your purse.
7.No matter how quick the errand you plan to run is, always bring 4 more diapers than you think the kid will need. Refer to rule #1 for reason.
8.Look into budget makeup and a jewerly box with a lock. Mommy things are instant kid attractors, the shiny things go into the toilet or some other abyss never to be seen again, and apparently lipstick is great for an appetizer or drawing utensil.
The child will always wait until you are sitting on a nice piece of furniture, standing on the clean carpet, or wearing a hard-to-launder outfit before power-launching their entire day’s food intake. (Happened to me twice and my wife once last night, got the couch, den carpet, and my silk boxers)
When dealing with a newborn, you don’t want to be more than a couple steps from the nearest towel.
Our favorite baby shower gift is two dozen washcloths from Sam’s Club. Makes for an impressively large present, too. My brother and his wife had twins (in vitro fertilization), so we gave them FOUR dozen washcloths. Their reaction: “Washcloths. They gave us washcloths. Yippee.”
Then the twins came… “WASHCLOTHS! THEY GAVE US WASHCLOTHS! YIPPEEE!!!” They had little stacks of cloths all. over. the. house.
A tablespoonful of pudding, jam, oatmeal or other viscous substances can be spread in an even layer over an entire kitchen.
Any small, dangerous, swallowable object that you have dropped and cannot find will be instantly located by the next baby or toddler to enter the room.
(Amen to #5, If you don’t have a photo session planned, they will wait until just before church or that big party where you were going to show them off.)
#13 To calculate the amount of time needed to arrive somewhere on time with child, multiply normal time needed by 2. Add 0.5 for each additional child unless said child is a teenaged girl, then add 1.
#14 There will be a time in your life when you will hear “mine” and “I wanna do it myself” more than any other statement or words. Do not despair, eventually they will go to college.
#15 You may as well get rid of any glass tables now. They will never be clean.
#16 Buy Goo Gone in the LARGE bottles. Every child goes through a sticker phase.
#17 Put diapers on backward to make removal by budding nudists more difficult.
There is a directly proportional relationship between how full a glass is how likely it is to be spilled. Ergo, a full glass has almost a 100% chance of getting knocked over.
14.1. The law of good stuff trumps the full:spill ratio. The closer to glass is to good stuff, the higher the likelihood of spillage regardless of how full the glass actually is.
Thanks everyone, these are cracking me up here. And keeping me a little more sane on a “challenging” day.
Sue…I love #16, I thought TeqShooter was the only kid who found stickers to be evil and must be removed at all costs!
And I’ll try #17 myself. I was using duct tape, but she looks at the tape as big stickers on HER the horror!
I guess we should add 14.2 now: you will do amazingly senseless things (like misnumbering silly posts to message boards) within the first 8 weeks of the birth of your fourth child.
Plan well ahead. The photos of the baby/toddler in “cute” situations, including:
[li] eating dirt from garden[/li][li] crying at bus stop on first day of school[/li][li] being covered in mommy’s talcum powder[/li][li] standing knee-deep and soaking wet after a tumble into neighbor’s fish pond[/li][li] child naked on bearskin rug[/li][li] obbligatory photos of child in bathtub[/li]
will be abolutely invaluable to produce at a VERY IMPORTANT TIME in said child’s life later - while making small talk with said child’s first date, when said child’s peers are visiting, said child’s graduation party, said child’s wedding. If child objects, remind child that “payback is a bitch”.
19a. If said “cute” situations are on video, label these with descriptive title in black magic marker, capital letters and remove tab to avoid ‘accidental’ erasure by child. (If on home movie film, transfer to video ASAP.) Leave videos where peers can see them. Keep copy in safety deposit box.
Always buy washable crayons. If you do have regular crayons and your kid(s) color all over the walls, doors, or toilet, spray WD40 on the wall/door/toilet and gently rub the color out. After the color is gone clean the wall with warm soapy water. Hope you have a stain resistant couch!
Peanut butter is great for removing gum from hair
Always have the clean diaper under the bottom and ready to cover the wee wee before removing the dirty diaper. This only applies to little boys though… my daughter never peed on me. My son was great at peeing the second I took his dirty diaper off though. Also, along the same line, have a washcloth ready to put over the wee wee when putting your boy in the baby bathtub. I actually have a picture of my son in the baby bathtub with bubbles covering his wee wee and a stream of pee shooting up. I didn’t realize he’d done that until I had the film developed!
The size of the mess in the diaper will always be in inverse proportion to the number of wipes left in the box. (small poopy/full box vs. huge toxic blowout/one wipe left)
A smell of a freshly-laundered shirt will make a baby throw up.
In our extended family, the number one rule is:
Let the baby have his/her way.
You would think we’d produce monsters, but everyone had his/her turn and there’s ALWAYS another baby.
Don’t worry if the child refuses to eat from the plate of delicious food placed in front of them. To avoid starvation they prefer to climb under the table to eat the 3 day old piece of grilled cheese they found under the radiator.
#26: Children will do precisely what you least want them to do at precisely the moment you least want them to do it.
#27: Children eat dirt. Get used to it.
#28: If a child can make a mess, said child will make a mess.
#29: After you have finished telling your babysitter/friends/relatives what wonky little kids you have, your kids will behave like absolute angels, and make you look like the biggest liar in the history of the world.
Children ages one and up can use chunky crayons. Expect to say “No, not in your mouth” every 45 seconds.
Water colors are non-toxic because the fifteen month old who is sitting on your lap to paint will notice you turn to assist another child, and take advantage of your momentary distraction to paint his face and mouth, inside and out.
We do not use bristle brushes with children under the age of four. If rule is not obeyed, child will immediately mash the brush to the paper, thus destroying it. Foam brushes are more durable.
If a mother says “Suzy loves to use scissors, she’s so good with them already,” Suzy will manage to cut her hair with the safety scissors without anyone noticing. You cut for her instead.(techically, Suzy was an older preschooler, but…)
Glue sticks are your best friends. Even an 18 month old has trouble making a terrible mess with them, at least compared to using liquid glue.
If you’re doing a collage project that involves bags of small pieces of cut paper, someone two or under is going to empty the bags and spread the paper around the entire room.
#32. All toddlers manufactured on or after 1 Jan 1997 are fitted with a hydraulic “mall brake”. This is attached to sensors which detect the parent’s level of hurriedness. Once levels of or equivalent to “running for the bus which only goes once every hour” are detected, the brake is automatically applied. It is capable of bringing a fully laden toddler from cruising speed to a complete stop in three inches. In most toddler models currently available in the USA, Canada, Australia, Japan, and Europe, screaming will be simultaneously activated. Do not attempt to move your toddler with the brake applied as this will cause the undercarriage to collapse. The brake can only be released by an approved technician with a special Allen key.
Mothers are not allowed to eat a meal while it is still hot or if they are allowed to eat it while it’s hot, they must share and blow on their food to cool it down for the mob of open mouths that magically appear.
36b.Even if the kid has the exact same food that you do, your’s will always “look better” so be prepared to dish half your food into another dish. Whatever you put into the other dish will either be consumed in seconds or left to harden on the plate. Get used to it.