(37) Parents having sex make a young child cry. No matter what time of the day or night or what room of the house you are in the child will know what you are doing and start cry or calling you.
(38) Children are organic tape recorders with random play back. You want Jr. to sing grandma the new song he learned in Sunday School ? Sure he will right after he tells grandma the new word he learned when Daddy or Mommy stubbed their toe last week.
If the child says “Uh-oh”, it’s too late.
A toddler’s need to use the bathroom is inversely proportional to the number of available bathrooms, and also to the cleanliness of said bathrooms. Ergo, at home, the child doesn’t need ot go. When on the interstate, with the only option a scary gas station, child must do #2 NOW.
Or your daughter will throw your son through said glass table.
Oh wait, that was my teenaged brother and sister, not toddlers.
Carry on.
Toddlers will always discover a new way to a) hurt themselves or b) create an absolute mess right after you have gone through the entire baby proofing checklist. Anyone that thinks missle defense will work never had a kid.
Toddlers always know the correct time to “push some envelope” so that you will look like an irresponsible child abusing maniac of a parent to a wide variety of total strangers.
The life expectancy of any breakable object in your home is inversely correlated to the age of your child. Process is accelerated if there are multiple rug rats.
(I just bought a big ol’ kitchen playset and China Bambina is sitting inside the box even as I type this.)
LOL!
Visa did one of their “priceless” ads with this very idea.
It went something like this:
“The toy you bought in-line…$50.00
Overnight shipping…$12.00
Watching her play in the box it came in…priceless”
So true!
Corrolary for #2: The chance of an outfit becoming stained is inversely proportional to the amount of time you have before having to run out the door. (If the kids have just finished breakfast, I’m shouting “goodbye” from the front porch!)
Also, the chance of not noticing the stain is proportional to how messy/embarassing it is. I can’t tell you the number of times that I’ve gone to work with oatmeal smeared or dribbled down behind my left shoulder.
You’ll always miss something cute, at some point. Even if you stay home all the time. (My best friend missed her daughter learning to walk, by dint of it happening at the church preschool during a service - and she was a stay-at-home/work-from-home mom). Don’t sweat it if you miss something.
Babies and toddlers love to make you into a liar. If you just told someone that your child is an angel, they’ll throw a hairy fit. If you just said that they scream constantly and are a major pain, they’ll be a perfect angel for the next 8 hours straight (as long as someone else is looking). If they never blow out their diapers, they will do so as soon as you say that.
There is no way you will keep up with the stages of development - they always change before you’ve gotten completely used to the previous stage. Get used to it.
Development does not go in a straight line. They keep running forward to the next stage and back to the previous stage(s). Expect your toddler to act like a baby at times, and like a preschooler at other times. Heck, expect the same of your teenager!
All babies and toddlers get dirty. Most babies love it. If you expect your baby to love getting dirty, you will have a child who runs to you in tears every time something (ANYTHING) gets on their hands, and who refuses to touch play-dough because it is sticky, and who thinks stickers are evil. That’s what we got. (AHHH! Mom, there’s something on my hands! Ick ick ick! Wash it off!)
They are pretty hard to break (by accident, anyway). First time you drop your kid or knock them down, you’ll feel like a horrible monster, but chances are they won’t be hurt as much as you’d fear. And you probably will drop them at some point. (or mash fingers in a door, or bang a head on the car roof, etc.) If you don’t do it, they will do it for you, instead, by throwing themselves off the top of the refigerator, say.
During the umpteen ‘fussy stages’ of the first few years, do whatever is necessary to SURVIVE. Do not try to fix it, ‘unspoil’ them, or convince them to give up bottle, blankie, or any other object or behavior when they are already barely coping with being awake. Give up now, pick them up and carry them, cut back on projects and activities, and just dig in for the duration. You can always start again when they regain their stability. It isn’t worth the fighting in the meantime - all that happens is that everyone gets miserable, and you STILL don’t win.
Always say your ritual goodbye and never ever sneak out when you are leaving a toddler with a care provider. They think you are either still there (and will look for you desperately), or will be terrified that you’ll vanish unexpectedly at any point, possibly for the next several weeks (we did this ONCE, and were followed anxiously and compulsively for 3 weeks, everywhere we went).
(I wish mine were as funny as some of these gems above!)
This is more of a new mother rule:
Keep a healthy supply of band-aids in the house at all times. It doesn’t matter how microscopic the owie is, your toddler will point it out and cry about how much it hurts and tell you that they need a band aid.
Be prepared to clean up vomit at 3:00 in the morning. Hopefully your toddler will be able to make it to the bathroom… even if they end up throwing up on the floor, on their hands and feet and getting it in their long hair! (Yuck!) At least you don’t have to clean it out of the carpet. There’s nothing worse than having a sick 1 year old that’s still in the crib and having to change mattress liners and crib sheets 3-4 times a night.
60a. An unbreakable toy is also useful for breaking siblings’ skulls.
Baby cereal hardens into one of the hardest substances known to man. In the future skyscrapers will be built of the stuff. Wipe it up before it sets.
The stage at which toddlers are most likely to choke on small inhaled or swallowed objects corresponds exactly with the stage at which they are most fascinated with tiny, tiny objects. Nature is one cruel bastard.
Babies usually learn to go upstairs months before they dare to try to go downstairs. Think of all the lovely exercise you’re getting.
65a. Attempting to quiet shrieking toddler will only increase the volume of sound.
65b. Attempting to remove shrieking toddler to a new area will not only increase the shrieking, but will cause said toddler to immediately gain 20 lbs, making them more difficult to move.
66a. ALL babies appear precious when asleep. Same w/ toddlers.
66b. Babies and toddlers NEVER sleep when you want them to.
66c. Babies and toddlers never let you sleep when you want to, either.
(And after reading these posts, is it any wonder Spouse and I have decided we will not be a breeding pair?)
(Yes…Twice.)
We’ll see about the teenager moments, though! (my mom says that deciding that having kids was a bad idea is a feeling that passes once they are no longer teens)