Babysitter Application

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My girlfriend and I have 2 young daughters between us. We’re looking for a babysitter. All candidates must complete the following form. The questions assume the average teenage girl applicant:

PLEASE CHOOSE THE BEST ANSWER TO THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:

1. Do you like children?
A. Yes
B. No
C. Some of them

2. Do you plan on having children of your own?
A. No
B. Yes, when I’m married and/or financially secure
C. Yes, as soon as my boyfriend tells me that he loves me
D. Yes, I’m stealing yours at the first opportunity

3. Do you have your own transportation?
A. No, but my mom/dad can drive me
B. No, I would need to be picked up
C. Yes, I drive a car
D. Yes, I drive a car, even though I don’t have a license
E. Yes, I’ll ride over on my horse, Quicksilver
F. No, I plan on babysitting via the Internet

4. Have you smoked any crack today?
A. No
B. Yes
C. Not Yet

5. Have you ever been convicted of child abuse?
[Note: We did not ask if you have COMMITTED child abuse… we merely want to know if you have been convicted by a court of law]
A. No
B. Yes
C. They couldn’t prove anything

6. Would you consider yourself responsible?
A. Yes
B. No
C. Well, my mom thinks I’m responsible for everything that goes wrong…

7. One of the children is crying uncontrollably and will not stop. What do you do?
A. Call Ramon’s pager and let him know there is a problem
B. Ignore her, hoping she’ll go away
C. Lock her in the bathroom
D. Threaten her with “The Stick”

8. You accidentally break an expensive-looking vase. What do you do?
A. Let us know when we get home, offering to pay for it
B. Throw the broken pieces in the trash, hoping no one will notice
C. Blame it on one of the kids when we get home
D. As soon as it happens, yell, “Alanna, why did you break the vase?” Blame it on her all night long until even she is convinced she broke the vase. Tell us when we get home, being sure to emphasize how you punished Alanna for her wrongdoing

9. One of the guests at the beer party you are illegally throwing pukes all over the couch. Do you:
A. Make everyone leave, clean up the mess as best as you can, tell us as soon as you get home, apologize and swear you’ll never do it again
B. Toss a piece of newspaper on the spot and continue to party
C. Declare a “Puke-A-Thon”
D. Blame it on the kids

10. Your boyfriend wants to come over and “study”. You:
A. Tell him that you’re sorry, you are not allowed to have guests while you’re working
B. Tell him to come over, but only to study and he has to behave himself around the kids
C. Lock the kids in the bathroom while you make out on the couch

11. A man comes to the door offering $5,000 to buy the kids. You:
A. Ask him to leave then call the cops
B. Ask him to leave then go back to watching Barney for the millionth time
C. Take the money and run
D. Haggle until you get him up to $15,000 and split it with us

12. A woman comes to the door claiming to be Alanna’s mother. You have never seen her before. You:
A. Tell her you’re sorry, but you don’t know her so she can’t take Alanna
B. Contact us to ask what to do
C. Check the woman’s ID, and if she has the same last name, let her take Alanna
D. Let her take Alanna
E. Let her take Alanna, but only if she takes all of the children

13. Which phrase are you most likely to use?
A. Emily, please put that knife down, sweetheart
B. Put down that knife
C. Drop it, buster
D. PUT DOWN THE %#*@ KNIFE YOU LITTLE @&%^!!!

14. Alanna and Emily decide to experiment with a little kissing. It gets a little out of hand. You:
A. Ask them to stop, and if they don’t, separate them
B. Close the door so they can have their privacy
C. Say, “Good for you, girls. Men are jerks anyway.”
D. Film it, so you can post it on the Internet

2

15. Alanna and Emily are playing with matches. You:
A. Ask them to stop, and take the matches away.
B. Teach them how to light a crack pipe.
C. Scream obscenities while burning them.
D. Throw them a lighter.

:smiley:

3

  1. C - Some of them

  2. A - Most likely not

  3. D - Yes, I drive a car, even though I don’t have a license.

  4. C - Not yet

  5. A - No

  6. A - Yes? Kind of. Maybe. And stuff.

  7. D - Threaten her with “The Stick”

  8. D - Kids really are easily influenced.

  9. N/A I wouldn’t throw a party

  10. N/A The chances that I might have a boyfriend are slim to none.

  11. D - But I’d only admit to selling them for $8,000

  12. A - Unless the kids were misbehaving, in which case E.

  13. D - Damn kids. Weapons are bad, m’kay?

  14. C - Hey, it’s true!

  15. B - They have to learn sometime.

So, when do I start? :smiley:

4

D. Only if they’re served with the right sauce and not too well done in the middle.

5

I’m actually a really good babysitter. When my extremely anal customer (great kid, mother was…interesting) asked for three references (I was 15) I had them and they were glowing. And her own is pretty great too, which I’m proud of, she’s picky. She has been known to eat most other sitters. Things like “Don’t allow <child> in the kitchen when you use the toaster, oven, microwave, or stove.” and “<child> is not allowed to climb or decend stairs by herself.” <child> was three and a half when I started sitting. Mother was dead serious. Child and I had a blast.

However…my sense of humor would eat me alive on so many of those questions. I’d be able to control it for all but number 11. (If I could get $15,000 I would split it with you…that’s okay, right?)