There is a person at my workplace that likes to visit with others which is ok in itself, however when he talks to me, he walks up so close to me that it is very uncomfortable (within about a foot and I get to smell his breath as a bonus). I have known this person long enough (10 years) to know that he means no harm by it, but it is such an uneasy feeling to have someone invade your space like that. Is there a more or less standard respectable distance that one should stand when conversing with others? Is this guy’s internal radar screwed up or are there other people like this and what is their problem?
I know this sounds like a seinfeld episode…
“Ward, You’re upsetting the beaver.”
Barbara Billingsley
Why don’t you try something you’d never see on a Seinfeld episode, tell your co-worker exactly you feel about his “space invasion?” He’s probably not aware that standing that close is uncomfortable for most people so having a friendly private chat may just clear it up.
“Popeye? Hm? He’s not much of a judge of women!” King Blozo
Body langauge experts say different cultures have different “bubbles.” Anyone who gets inside the bubble without permission makes the other person very uncomfortable. In the U.S., the bubble is basically arms-length.
Does your co-worker do this to everyone, or just you. You can either be direct with him (he probably doesn’t have the same concept of personal space that you do) and ask him to take a step back, or you can try to be subtle – transpose a chair between the two of you, put your hand on his shoulder and then step back, etc. However, in my experience, he’ll continue to do it over and over, because he really doesn’t perceive the bubble the same way others do.
Yep Kunilou…I have tried putting my foot out in front of me between him and myself but as you are predicting it hasn’t done any good he finds a way around it. Apparently he doesn’t think he is getting his point across unless he is 12 inches from your face. He is also one of those people who feel that they have to have a hand on your arm in order to talk to you …know what I mean?
“Ward, You’re upsetting the beaver.”
Barbara Billingsley
Try backing away from him when he gets too close. Eventually he’ll ask why you keep moving away from him. You could also tell him that you’re not comfortable standing so close to someone when they’re talking and make it sound like you have the problem.
That John Denver’s full of shit man! Harry - Dumb & Dumber
I saw something about this subject on TLC, or Discovery, or one of those cable channels…and IIRC, typically you find that women are more uneasy when someone is directly in front of them, and men are more uneasy with someone directly next to them.
I used to work with someone who was a close talker. I mostly just put up with it, but I found that keeping in motion helps. Not just backpedaling, but generally being a moving target.
A real suggestion:
I personally would just say “Hey, do me a favor would ya’? I have this weird “personal space thing”. Could you try to back up bit when you are talking to me? I would really appreciate it”
If you can’t bring yourself to say that, try covering your mouth and saying “Oh, I’d stay way back if I were you. I think I have mono”. Then sneeze. Wetly.
Zette
(who recently had to chat with our office “loud talker”.)
Love is like popsicles…you get too much you get too high.
An alternative method I use is that I go up to the person and lean toward them and get close to them. Usually the other person feels uncomfortable that someone else is taking up THEIR space.
Sometimes, the other person is entirely clueless however, so it’s far from failsafe.
I had an arabic friend who always did that. Once I realized that I was always walking backwards when I talked to him I just got used to be so close.
The close talking thing is a common remark visitors make when visiting the middle east.
I’ve also found that while (most) Europeans and Americans are comfortable with each other face to face, the North Americans don’t like to be as close when they’re walking side by side. (Or maybe Europeans like to be too close, you decide.) Has anyone else noticed this?
I know that with me, I’ll walk and talk shoulder to shoulder with almost anyone. But, I don’t like anyone close to me in the front, especially people that make me nervous to talk to in the first place. I will almost always turn 90[sup]o[/sup] and put my right shoulder to their left and talk at about a 45[sup]o[/sup] angle to my right. I’m left handed which may account for why I turn that direction, keeps my sword hand free or something,who knows. I didn’t really notice this until reading this thread and thinking about it some.
I don’t like anyone near my face unless they want a kiss, and that eliminates a lot of people that violate that space.
I have a friend at the bar like that, and I
believe in the direct approach. When he leans in I just gently say, “back off dude”, and he usually says sorry, backs away and keeps on talking, but he is one of those nonstop talker types, and that’s a different thread…
nonstop talker types? Oh, I just nod a yes or no every now and then even though I can’t hear them. really pushy ones I just tell them IM deaf and they buzz off
aha, you cna always tell them that you have the flu.
It is a cultural thing. I’ve heard the Japanese have a much smaller bubble because the population density is higher. They create space the same way many urban people do - with eyes focusing away and looking inward rather than outward.
Personal anecdote, I ended up being the “close talker” once. I was hanging with a guy at a convention and he finally commented that he was used to having more space around him and I was making him uncomfortable. Wasn’t like I was cuddled up against him, but I wasn’t bothered and tried to respect his wishes. Direct is probably the best approach. Especially if you phrase it as if you’re the one with the problem, not him.
