Something similar (sort of) happened to me with my high school bully. FTR, I am a 51 year old grandma now. This one girl just absolutely hated me. I never did anything to her to cause her ire, she was just really mean. She was even snotty to me right after high school and at our 10 year class reunion.
But about 15 years ago (would have been about 20 some odd years after she last gave me the snippy attitude at the 10 year reunion), I saw her at a quick stop (like a 7/11). She acted as if I was her long lost best friend! To say the least I was shocked. She was all “Oh HI, how are YOU?” and gave me a big hug and everything. Color me confused, I can only assume she got over her childhood (and childish) bully attitude, or she’s suffering from early onset Alzheimer’s.
It’s entirely possible that this girl has grown up and matured, and if she were to be confronted by you, she’d be apologetic and regret how she behaved when she was a child.
This isn’t to say you’re wrong about wanting some sort of “revenge-ish” payback. So if you still would like that, why not find her name and address and send her a letter? Tell her how she made you feel and why what she did was wrong and so on. Just a thought, NOT advice.
People really told you to say nothing? Wow. I mean, there’s never a good time to get socked in the face, but if it’s gotta happen, it’s best to do it while you’re still on your parents’ health insurance plan.
“I’m just a faceless nobody who has never met you living in a different timezone and who has no real understanding of you or your life, but what I think you should do is this…”
I could get better advice from random strangers on the street, at least they’re in the same country and have met me!
There’s really no way telling her off would have been better. You’d be the shitty person. You’d feel bad about it. You don’t think you would now, but I think you would. I’ve experienced tell-off regret way too many times.
Advice is like anything else. You can take it or you can leave it. I know how to handle what you describe as a resentment so it doesn’t eat your insides up. So people said to blow it off but you can’t because your still carrying it. She isn’t paying you are.
My advice only works if you do it until the resentment goes away. That is daily and I recommend a calendar and crossing off each day you do this until it goes away. You don’t even have to believe in what you are doing so it is fine to fake it until you make it.
Pray every day for her to have everything good. I would say something like this to myself, “God I pray for (insert name) to have everything good in life, Amen”. Then cross it off on the calendar. It may take a week or a couple months of daily work but one day you will be shocked. The feeling of anger will be gone and perhaps replaced by a feeling of pity. There least there will be no resentment left.
I predict that she is a sociopath, and would be most likely to say whatever would set you up to be her next enabler. She’d charm you, become your best friend and take over your life for a few months/years until your finanaces and strength were exhausted. Then she’d leave you a quivering shell of insecurity wondering why you could never be good enough for her.
A year or so later you’d be back here complaining that you should have been the one to end the friendship . . . and you feel so used . . . and wish you could tell her off . . .
My advice: Practice constructive arrogance. Choose to believe that removing yourself (or in this case not re-engaging yourself) from someone’s life is the most evil revenge imaginable.
It’s actually quite true that if nobody ever confronts her, she will continue to operate in the same manner. Without ever knowing that the negatives in her life are created by her, she will be damned to a future built of the same dyfunctional interactions.
Walking away without telling someone what they’ve done wrong is one of the worst things you can do to them.
My prediction is that somehow you’d feel lousy. She’s two grades behind you because, you learn later, she underwent chemo for leukemia. You want to think she’s unsuccessful, but discover she is engaged to someone really wealthy and has a fantastic life and karma hasn’t touched her. Fantasies on this sort of closure are always more satisfying than the reality - especially if you don’t give room for forgiveness - the “oh, yeah, boy was I a bitch, I’m really sorry. What can I say…middle school.”
My high school torturer is beautiful, very well respected in her field, and has a wonderful family. She’s also now a really good friend of mine. If I were hoping for “living better is the best revenge” I don’t think I’d have pulled it off. Not that I’m ill content with my life, my path is a better path for me - she’s just been very successful at the path she chose.
But, go listen to Margaret by Jill Sobule. You aren’t alone.
OJ Simpson, despite having murdered his wife, going on trial for murder, and becoming the poster boy for the miscarriage of justice and the object of much late-night derision, lived well. Something like that?
I wasn’t around the Dope when you asked for the advice, but I would have advised you to go ahead and start this conversation but then steer it in a different direction:
You: Hi Molly.
Molly: Hi?
You: Remember me? We were in band together in junior high?
Molly: Umm…oh…yeah. Kayla, right?
You: Kyla.
Molly: Yeah, I remember. then:
You: Boy, that sure was a long time ago, huh? I barely feel like I’m that same timid little girl I was in 7th grade anymore… So how have you been?
At which point an actual conversation may have ensued, during which you could have probably figured out whether or not she was still a bullying bitch (because people generally do change somewhat between the ages of 12 and 21), and likely put that old grudge to rest without resorting to bitchy behavior yourself.
(Oh, and sorry, I don’t have any stories of my own to add to your thread…)
Well, I’m glad I could brighten your day. I hope you’re laughing with me instead of at me.
Um. What to say to this? You’re right, I would be very shocked if this happened.
Bless your heart, perciful. You Christians, with your assumptions about other people’s religiosity! It’s just so [del]obnoxious[/del] adorable.
TruCelt, oh my GOSH, I never even considered this possibility. I have truly escaped a close call.
P.S. I hope you can tell that I’m not 100% serious about this. I mean, the story is true and I really do wish I had confronted her in college, but mostly I’m laughing at myself for even *remembering *this. Begone, nearly-20-year-old anger!
Don’t take too much advice from Dopers on relationships, either. People pile into relationship threads and freely give advice, but then you realize that damned near everyone in the thread is on their third marriage or has never been on a date.
I’d be even more shocked if I started meditating. God, I hate meditating. (I went to UC Santa Cruz, and I think you did too, so you’ll understand when I say that I had a couple of professors who insisted we meditate in class occasionally). It’s so boring. If I could meditate while I watch TV or read a book or something, it’d be so much more interesting.
Bah on people who want us all to be relaxed and calm and ignore people’s assholery! I think we should call assholes on their behavior and maybe they’d realize that their behavior is not okay.
