I’ll get the ball rolling…
From my inbox
Subject: school teacher arrested
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Paging jjimm.
groan That is awful.
All right, here’s another one.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and shouts, “Hey, we got a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper looks at him and says, “You gotta drink called Steve?”
Two men walk into a bar. You’d have thought that the second one would have ducked.
–
From my inbox today:
Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2 (not really - its part of the joke).
Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash &valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, “At least we’ll have a bit to eat.” The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read: IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING…
. . . Jesus, I’ve gotten that one from two otherwise normal friends this week!
Why did Greta Garbo eat grass seed?
She vanted to be a lawn.
What do you call the science of Archery?
Arrow Dynamics
Why’d the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
THIS JUST IN!!!
"Today, in Iraq, an elderly woman was arrested at the local airport. On her person, official found two rather long knitting needles and several skeins of yarn. The charge read:
“Unlawful aid in the making of Afghans”
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
“Breast fed,” she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, "I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.
So, this guy walks into a bar.
Ouch!
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Q: What goes “clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop?”
A: An Amish drive-by
–IDB
An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only four parachutes.
The first passenger says, “I’m Shaquille O’Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died.” So he takes the first parachute and jumps.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, “I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and one of America’s potential future Presidents.” She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
The third passenger, George W Bush, says, “I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die.” So he takes a parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, “I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest. I will give you the last parachute.”
The boy replies, “No problem your holiness, there is also a parachute for you. America’s most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag…”
What did one apple say to the other apple?
Nothing - apples can’t talk!
Damnit, lieu, you stole my favourite. Now i have to think of something else.
Q: What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
A: “Hey! We really DO taste like chicken!”
–IDB
Two termites go into a bar.
The one termite asks the other, “Is the Bartender here?”
How dare you insinuate that I’m a bad jokesmith. How dare you?
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
There are these two muffins in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says “Dang, it’s getting hot on here.”
The other muffin turns to the first and says “AHH! A talking muffin!”
A pirate walks into a bar and sits down at the bar, ordering a pint. The bartender pours it, and notices a huge ship’s wheel sticking out of the pirate’s pants. As he serves the beer, the bartender, indicating the wheel, asks “what’ve you got that thing sticking out of your pants for?”
The pirate, pointing down, replies:
“Oh this? Yarr, it’s drivin’ me nuts.”