Two guys walk into a bar…
You would’ve thought the second one would duck.
<disclaimer>please note, the following joke is not PC, has gotten me punched repeatedly by my sister-in-law, and does not in any way reflect my beliefs. I just think its funny. :)</disclaimer>
Why does the bride wear white?
Because you want the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
<in the interest of common gender bashing, we bring you this similarly themed joke aimed at men>
During a wedding ceremony, a little child asked her mother “Why does the bride wear white?”
“Well, white symbolizes her purity and virginity.”
The small child thinks for a second.
“Then why does the groom wear black?”
A chess club decides to attend a convention at a large, fancy hotel. After all the workshops and speeches are over for the day, the chess players gather in the foyer and start talking about past victories. They’re just getting warmed up when the hotel manager stops by. “I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but I must ask you to take your discussion elsewhere.”
The chess players are surprised and rather insulted. “Why do we have to leave?”
“Because I have had complaints about chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!”
I heard that not only did the Krankies fire you as their scriptwriter after reading the puns you posted yesterday, but Russ Abbott is suing for gimmick infringement.
Neener, neener. 
How do you stop a mouse from squeaking?
Oil it.
How do you confuse an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask which period it came from.
A guy with tennis elbow goes to the doctor. Before the exam the doctor asks for a urine sample because he has a new machine that can diagnose any physical condition. He gives the man a prescription and another specimen bottle for a urine sample and says to aome back in a week.
The guy is incredulous so he decides to play a joke on the doctor. He has his wife give the urine sample. Deciding to take the joke further he has his sixteen year old daughter provide some of the specimen too. He then decides to take the gag further still and masturbates into the jar. On his way to the garage to drive to the appointment he has one final addition to the joke; he takes the dipstick from his car’s engine and adds a drop of motor oil.
He gives the specimen to the doctor’s receptionist and waits for his appointment. The doctor had a girm look on his face. The man smirks and says “give it to me straight doc, how long have aI got to live?”
The doctor says, “It’s like this. Your wife has the clap, your daughter is pregnant, your car is about to throw a rod and if you don’t stop beating off that tennis elbow will never heal.”
From my inbox:
1.Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m
sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
-
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went
to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other
stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted
to much. The second one, naturally, became known as
the lesser of two weevils. -
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when
they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again
that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too. -
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for
the man who shot my paw.” -
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental
medication. -
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and
were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
tournament victories. After about an hour,the manager
came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But
why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he
said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.” -
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One
of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.”
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan,
you’ve seen Ahmal.” ha -ha.- -
These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival
florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would
not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart,
the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade”
them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and
only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. -
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of
the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses
on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather
frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him …what? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s
good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. -
And finally, there was a man who sent ten different
puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the
puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
With apologies to my blonde friends:
A flight to Toronto had just hit cruising altitude when a blonde woman
got up from her seat in coach and sat herself in first class. The
flight attendant asked to see her ticket, and reminded the woman that
she had purchased a seat in coach. The woman replied “I’m blonde, I’m
beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here”.
The flight attendant summond the co-pilot, who also told the woman that she needed to move back to her assigned seat in coach, the one indicated on her ticket. The woman replied “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here”.
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and explained to the captain that
they’d probably better have security on hand to arrest this woman when
they landed, she just wouldn’t listen to reason. The captain said “Wait a minute, you say she’s a blonde? My ex-wife was a blonde, I speak ‘blonde’. Just a minute, I’ll handle this.” With that he walked up to the woman and whispered something in her ear. Her face at once changed from defiant to embarrassed, and with a simple “Oh” she returned to her original seat. The co-pilot asked, “What on earth did you say to her”.
The captain replied, “I told her first-class wasn’t going to Toronto”.
Ordinarily I’d say that ten puns merits a beating with a hunk of fire hose but I can’t resiste…
A bun is the lowest form of wheat.
Also from my inbox. And no slurs against folks from Southern Missouri (or the rural area of your choice) are intended, I just think it’s funny!
In southern Missouri, Bubba Joe called his attorney, Emile, and asked, “Is it true they’re suing them cigarette companies for causin’ people to get cancer?”
“Yeah, Bubba Joe. That is surely true.”
“And are people suin’ the crap out o’ them fast food restaurants for makin’ ‘em fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with burgers and fries? Ain’t that true, too, Mr. Emile?”
“Sure is, Bubba Joe. But, why you askin’?”
“‘Cause I been thinkin’ maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I been wakin’ up with!”
Okay, I have two to contribute, but do not read the one in the spoiler tag if you are easily offended!!
Did you hear about the Chinese-Iraqi restaurant that used to be here? The only problem with it was an hour after you ate, you felt the strange urge to seize power.
What’s the difference between an onion and a Jew? An onion doesn’t scream when you put it into the oven. (Awful, I know, but sort of funny on some demented level)
Why should you not fly with Peter Pan?
Because you’ll never never land!
d&r
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms.
Why did the boy fall off his bike?
Someone threw a fridge at him.
Why did the plane crash?
The pilot was a tomato.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
snort
A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The barman says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, “Holy Shit it’s hot in here!” The other muffin says, “Holy Shit… A talking muffin!”
A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says “Get out of here. We don’t serve your kind in here.”
So the rope goes outside and rolls around on the ground, scuffing himself up, then ties himself into a knot.
He goes back into the bar. The bartender looks him up and down and says “Aren’t you the rope I threw out of here a few minutes ago?”
The rope replies, “Nope, I’m a frayed knot.”
What’s the difference between boogers and broccoli?
You almost never see anyone eating broccoli in their car.
Many years ago, in Greenwich Village, every Christmas a band of savage apes would roam the streets at night, killing and devouring the local residents. This grim spectacle went unnoticed for several years because, as everyone knows, Yule gibbons only ate fruits and nuts.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter, it won’t come anyway.
Texas Aggie Jokes
Why do the Aggies have Astroturf in their stadium?
To keep the cheerleaders from grazing at halftime.
Do you know why the Aggie football team doesn’t have icewater at their games anymore?
The guy with the recipe graduated.
Dirty joke told to me by my 7 year old daughter
Why was Piglet looking in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh. 
A magician walked down the street and turned into a bar.
Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the monkey.
He stole my favorite, too, Dawne, but I do love the follow-up, as well.
Why did the second monkey fall?
It was stapled to the first one.
Why did the third monkey fall?
Peer Pressure.