What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
A man was visiting a farmer when he notices him staring at a paddock with a wistful look in his eye.
“Hey mate, what’s the matter?”
“Oh, just thinking about the first time I made sweet passionate love. It was right over there in the paddock, with her mother watching…”
“What!? What did she say?”
“Baa”
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves ?
Russel
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a swimming pool?
Bob
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick
What do Attila the Hun and Kermit the Frog have in common?
The same middle name
A fly lands in a scotsman’s soup he was drinking: “Damn it! Spit it out ya wee bugger! Spit it out!”
“After a terrible time, my grandmother wanted out. She asked the doctor where’s the heart so she would know where to aim the gun, ‘3 inches below the left nipple’ the doctor replied. Later on that evening the ambulance responded to a callout for an elderly lady who shot herself in the hip.”
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”
So anyway, a guy walks into a bad joke thread…
A friend was in Spain, eating at a restaurant near the bullfighting arena. As their group was waiting for food they saw a big commotion across the room. Crowds of smiling people paraded past, musicians played, bottles of wine were opened, and with a great flourish the chef unveiled a special dish. From a few tables away it looked like two brown grapefruit, or perhaps large meatballs. My friend’s waiter was summoned and he explained that this dish was the bull’s testicles, considered a great delicacy. To dine on this dish one had to sign up months in advance.
Naturally my friend wanted to experience this great meal. So he put himself on the waiting list and next season, when his name finally came to the top, he arranged to have his friends present at the restaurant for the unveiling of his special feast. Once again, there was the parade of celebrants, the music, the wine - but when the chef unveiled the dish, there were no great brown orbs. Just two little lumps, barely a snack. With a gasp he turned to the chef, “What happened?”. Said the chef, “Sometimes the bull, he wins.”
A new pastor at a small church decided to break the ice during his first sermon by including the congregation in a game. He informed the congregation that he would say a word and they were to sing a hymn that corresponded to that word. The congregation agreed and so the game began:
The pastor began with the word “Blood” immediatly the chior began to sing “There’s Power In The Blood”
The pastor said that was great! But he was going to try to stump them this time.
The next word given was “Cross” A few people in the group stood and began to sing “At the cross at the cross where I first saw the light”
The pastor was impressed but told the people this one was going to be a hard one and he didn’t think anyone would be able to figure it out. The congregation smerked back at him with smug looks on their faces.
The pastor proceeded with the word “Sex” The room was filled with silence for quite a while, people had perplexed looks about them looking to one another for answers.
A tiny elderly woman in the back of the church finally stood and began to sing “Precious memories…”
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.
What’s blue and looks like a bucket?
A blue bucket.
What do you call a blind deer?
No Idear.
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no idear.
What do you call a blind deer with no legs and no penis?
Still no fucking idear.
An inflatable boy walks into his inflatable school, goes up to his inflatable headteacher and sticks a pin in him. As he goes to put his pin away he accidentally sticks the pin in himself as well.
When he wakes up in the hospital the headteacher is standing by his bedside and says to him “Son, I’m very disappointed in you - you’ve let me down, you’ve let the school down, but most of all, you’ve let yourself down”.
(It’s a very crappy joke, but I have to confess it had me giggling for ages!)
Oh crap, I knew I’d write that wrong - forgot to put the bit about sticking a pin in the school as well! It does make sense, honestly!
This is why I very rarely tell jokes.
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug.
said the one lesbian frof to the other:
“hey, they’re right! We do taste like chicken”
frof = frog
Frof sounds ruder.
didn’t mean to be rude, lame was what I was going for
Guy walking down the road with a wheelbarrow full of fannies[sup]+[/sup], sees a girl
Guy: Do you want your hole?*
Girl: No
Guy: Well fuck it in there then.
[sup]+[/sup] Vaginas
*Have sex
A French woman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The bartender says, “Hey, you can’t bring that pig in here.”
The French woman says, “Excuse me, but that’s a duck.”
The bartender snaps back, “Excuse ME, but I was talking to the duck.”
What’s brown and sticky?
A Dirty Sanchez.
(I got sick of the old punch line)
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra…
Basses like altos,
Tenors like tenors,
Altos like basses, and
Sopranos like audiences.