Time flies like an arrow,
Fruit flies like a banana
“What has a hump and walks through the desert and sings like a canary?”
“I don’t know.”
“A camel, silly!”
“But a camel doesn’t sing like a canary.”
“Yeah, I know, I just put that in to make it harder.”
two crows are sitting in a bathtub.
the first one says to the other one,
“cream in your coffee?”
the other one says,
“not lately.”
No! furt just had to steal my followup.
Oh well, I’ll post an Aggie joke:
The A&M Library burned down to the ground yesterday, taking its collection with it. What a shame. Those coloring books weren’t even used.
Every second counts. If you hear them reciting the alphabet, you need help.
What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick.
Latest News Headlines: School Teacher Arrested
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Necro, I think I’ve heard that one recently…
A woman is walking down the street. She passes a pet shop and notices in the window a poster which reads “Clitoris-Licking Frog”. She is somewhat taken aback, but decides this is too intriguing a possibility to ignore. She enters the shop and sees the owner.
“Hello,” she says.
“Bonjour,” he replies.
Why did the fourth monkey fall?
It thought it was a race.
One guy is talking to another over coffee at the office.
“On the drive in this morning, I hit a puddle and splashed a guy from Florida.”
“How do you know he was from Florida?”
“He yelled something about the sun and the beach.”
Did you hear about the Viagra truck that was hijacked? Apparently the police are on the lookout for hardened criminals.
–IDB
Well, this is a game we all can play.
What´s the difference between a cow grazing and an american chewing gum?
The smart gaze of the cow, heh, heh, heh
And the worst joke ever.
What is a tomato with a cape?
Supertomato
And what is a banana with a cape?
A banana disguised as supertomato.
Thw rost, unsurpassable.
Well, I tried this joke over in the murder a lobster thread (sorry, couldn’t get it to link, but it is in the BBQ pit) and the next few responses showed that some must have thought me serious, so I added a disclaimer, and NOT ONE PERSON responded…so, it must be bad!!!
My blond friend and I went out to dinner at a fancy seafood restaurant last year…while we were looking at the menu, she noticed the tank in the middle of the restaurant, which held live lobsters for the patrons to choose for their dinner. She was so upset at the thought of someone killing the poor things, she snuck over to the tank and took all of the lobsters, and hid them in her bag.
After we ran out of the restaurant, we parted ways. She told me later that she went to the forest, and set them all free!!
(I did mention she was blond, didn’t I?)
(pssst look at the OP)
Morty was invited to visit his friend. His friend, Hymie, welcomed him and when it was time for Morty to go home, Hymie urged him to stay for supper. Morty tried to refuse, but Hymie insisted and finally Morty stayed. After supper, Hymie insisted that Morty stay the night. The next morning as Morty was leaving, Hymie presented him with a bill for meals and lodging.
“What is this?” Morty asked. “You invited me to eat and stay and now you go and charge me for it?”
Hymie was firm that Morty needed to pay and finally the two agreed to see the Rabbi.
When the Rabbi heard both sides, he pondered for a moment. Then he turned to Morty and said:
“You must pay.”
The two men left and Morty grudgingly got out his billfold to pay Hymie. “He was shocked when Hymie refused.
“What?” Morty burst out. “You invite me up here, then insist I eat supper with you, then have me stay the night. Then you try to charge me for all of this and drag me to the Rabbi. The Rabbi says I must pay, only to have you refuse? What is going on?”
“Calm down,” Hymie urged. “I just wanted you to see what a dope we had for a Rabbi.”
This one only works if you sing the punch line, but here goes:
Mick Jagger was invited to a huge party at the Playboy Mansion. After a few hours of drinking, his bladder was full, and he started searching for a bathroom to use. He wandered down a hall, opening each door, hoping to find a bathroom. But when he opened the door at the end of the hall, he found himself in Hugh Hefner’s master bedroom… and there, in the bed, Jagger saw Playboy founder Hugh Hefner engaged in gay sex with actor Dennis Weaver.
Well, you know what Jagger said, don’t you?
“Hey (hey!)… Hugh (Hugh!)… get off of McCloud!
Hey (hey!)… Hugh (Hugh!)… get off of McCloud!”
A Horse walks into a bar
Bartender: “Why the long face?”
What do you call a fily with no wings?
A walk.
What’s green and sticky.
A stick insect.
Saddam sends his son out for grocersies. His son returns with the groceries in a box. Saddam - why are they in a box?
Son: There’s no fucking bag, dad!
I saw Michael Jackson at K-mart the other day…he heard that they had “boys pants, half off!”
(i am soooo sorry)
Abe and Mel decide it’s time for them to purchase new overcoats, and so they head to the local haberdasher, Marcus Pinkus. They select garments, but question the color, as they want black, and the coats appear to be blue. Marcus assures them that it’s the lighting in the store. Following their purchase, they step outside and look again at the coats, which still look blue.
Abe sees a nun waiting to cross the street, and waiving to Mel, he rushes up to her. Holding his sleeve next to her habit, he and Mel look at one another and exclaim, “Marcus Pinkus fucked us!”
The Sister turns to them and says, “Since when did you guys start speaking Latin?”