Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
So last night, I’m sitting in a bar with a girl I had just met, when, from across the bar comes a loud voice.
“Hey, Scrappy, I fucked your mother last night and she was AWESOME!”
Needless to say, my date was shocked. I really wanted to make a good impression, so I just told her to ignore it. We were trying to make conversation when the voice rang out again,
“Hey, Scrappy, I fucked your mother! She’s a goddamn TIGER, let me tell you!”
At this point in time, I started to get a bit steamed, but I didn’t want to lose my cool in front of my date, so I surreptitiously flipped the bird in the direction of the voice and kept on with the date. Until finally,
“Hey, Scrappy, when I fucked your mother last night, you’ll never guess where she let me stick it! She let me stick it…”
At this point, I had had enough. I put down my pint, walked over there, grabbed him by his shirt, and lifted him bodily out of the chair until he was eye to eye with me, his feet barely touching the floor. I gave him my most menacing stare and said,
“Go home, Dad. You’re drunk.”
A lady walks into an ice cream store and asks the guy for a gallon of chocolate ice cream.
“I’m sorry ma’am, but we don’t have any chocolate ice cream left.”
So the lady thinks for a minute and asks for a pint of chocolate ice cream.
“I’m sorry ma’am, but we don’t have any chocolate ice cream.” Replied the bartender.
Well she thought for another minute and said, “I would like one spoonfull of your…” and is cut off by the ice cream man.
“Ma’am, can you spell the van in vanilla?”
“Yes, V.A.N.”
“Good he says, but can you spell the straw in strawberry?”
“Of course, S.T.R.A.W.”
“Very good he replied, now can you spell the FUCK in chocolate?”
She thought about and said, “There is no FUCK in chocolate.”
“THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU LADY!!”
Oooops, I meant ice cream man instead of bartender.
Oooops, I meant ice cream man instead of bartender.
Damn double post! shakes hand defiantly
Q. Where do girls have short, curly hair?
A. New Guinea
[Bob Monkhouse]
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. But they’re not laughing now.
[/Bob Monkhouse]
Apologies in advance to the many wonderful Christians, but if you don’t mind a little ribbing I really think you’ll enjoy this (my religious friends have; the Unitarian one resonated for me):
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Charismatics: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or
completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutherans: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.
Amish: What’s a light bulb?
The triple-A baseball team’s equipment trailer crashed and burned. Quite a fire, with all that neatsfoot oil and liniment. In the wreckage, though, two items remained more-or-less the same. The burnt cork was still burnt cork, and the bats were still made of ash.
Why’d the cat fall out of the tree?
It was chasing the squirrel.
Q: How Long is a Chinaman?
A: Yes, he is!
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman are working on a new skyscraper in London. They stop for their lunch hour and open their sandwhiches lovingly prepared by their wives.
The English man opens his; 'Cheese! argh not cheese AGAIN! If i get cheese tomorrow im gonna throw myself off this skyscraper
The scots man; 'HAm!, argh not ham AGAIN! 'If i get ham tomorrow im gonna throw myself off this skyscraper!
The Irishman; 'Cucumber!, argh not cucumber AGAIN! 'If i get cucumber tomorrow im gonna throw myself off this skyscraper!
So the next day there all opening their lunches and sure enough one after the other they have the same sandwhich filling and say farewell to their working buddies before hurling themselves off the skyscraper thus plummeting to their bizarrley tragic deaths.
Three weeks later at the funeral the three wives are discussing the insanity of their pact;
English wife ‘If only John had told me he wanted something different, i could have got anything’
Scots wife’ Why didn’t Rab tel me he wanted a different sandwhich?
The Irish woman looking slighlty confused says ‘I dont understand it Seamus always made his own lunch’
:):)
JOke 2 _ another offensive irish joke im afraid
49 irishman and a german are flying over the atlantic when there plane begins to disintegrate and eventually the 50 passengers and two pilots are hanging on to the aluminium frame; Sighting landfall the pilot shouts back
‘I think will come down safely if someone lets go!’
The german man replies ‘I will jump’
The irishman all applauded him.
So these two goldfish are in this tank, see, and one turns
to the other and asks:
“You know how to drive this thing?”
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of
testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered
for the position. After sending some applicants through the background
checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to
3 men, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to
a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will
follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they
explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, “You can’t be serious!
I could never shoot my own wife!”
“Well,” says the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this
job then.”
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. We
must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances," they explained to the second man, “Inside you will find
your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and
went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door
opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to
shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess
I’m not the right man for the job.”
“No,” the CIA man replied, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife
and go the hell home.”
Now they’re down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the
same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. “We must be sure
that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This
is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Take this gun and kill her.”
The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even
closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot
after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They
heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for
several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there
stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, “You
guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat the
bitch to death with the chair!”
Wheels are a great invention. I sure hope they stick AROUND.
Arrr harr harr harr harr.