" Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’ "
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome”
“Really? Is it common?”
“It’s not unusual.”
A man walks into a bar carrying three ducks, orders a round of drinks for all of them, then excuses himself to the bathroom. The bartender, being a friendly sort, walks over to the first duck and introduces himself.
"Well, my name’s Huey,"the first duck responds.
“How’s your day been, Huey?”
“Oh, great day!! Great day!! I’ve been in and out of Puddles all day!!”
The bartender concedes that this does indeed sound like a good day, for a duck, and approaches the second.
“Oh, my names Dewey, and its been a great day!! I’ve been in and out of Puddles all day!!”
The bartender walks over to the third.
“So your friends are Huey, and Dewey…I suppose you would be Louie?”
“No, my name is Puddles, and dont even ask about my day!!”
Oh, here’s another one while I remember:
An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are sitting in the pub talking, when the conversation turns to what they bought their wives for Christmas.
“I bought my wife a long-sleeved jumper and a bracelet,” says the Englishman.
“Why’s that?” ask the others.
“Well, I figured if she didn’t like the bracelet, she could cover it up with the sleeves of her jumper and not hurt my feelings,” he replied.
The Scotsman says, “I bought my wife a turtle-neck sweater and a necklace.”
“Why’s that?” ask the others.
“Well, I figured if she didn’t like the necklace, she could cover it up with the neck of her sweater and not hurt my feelings,” he replied.
Finally, the Irishman says, “I bought my wife a handbag and a dildo.”
“UH??? Why’s that?” ask the others.
The Irishman replies, “Well… I figured if she doesn’t like the handbag, she can go fuck herself!”
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says “We don’t serve your kind here.” The mushroom says, “Why not, I’m a fungi.”
What do you call a green Elvis?
Elvis Parsley.
q.What have you got it you’re holding a moth ball in each hand?
a. A bloody big moth.
q. a little monster comes home from school one day in floods of tears. His mother asks him what is wrong. He replies that he is being bullied at school because his head is so big. All the other little monsters called him ‘big head’ and are really mean. His mother comforts him, tells him just to ignore him because its all nonsense, and ot to let them upset him. He dried his tears and wipes his little nose. Then, in an attempt to take his mind off it all she asks him to go and do some shopping for her. ‘But mummy’, he says, ‘the shopping bag is broken’. 'Don’t worry, his mother says, ‘just use your hat’.
And finally:
3. q. How do you tell if a deaf woman wants to buy a chicken?
a. <shouting really loud> DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN? </shouting really loud>
A couple is lying on the bed when the girls says to the boy “Darling, would you give me a big kiss on my lips?” and the boy replies “No way! last time I did you closed your legs and broke my glasses”…
Well, you asked for bad jokes, didn´t you?
Bwahahahaha! I forwarded that one to my roommate, who is culinarily challenged and has eaten pancakes every day for three months because it’s the only thing she can cook.
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
It’s the first day for the new bus driver on Sesame Street. He’s really looking forward to starting his job, and at the first stop an absolutely humongous woman gets on and says, [whiny voice]“You must be the new bus driver. I’m Patty!”[/whiny voice]
At the second stop, another huge woman gets on and says, [whiny voice]“You must be the new bus driver. I see you’ve met my friend Patty. My name’s Patty too.”[/whiny voice]
At the third stop, a woman gets on with her son and says, “You must be the new bus driver. This is my son, Ross.” No sooner do they start diving when Ross comes up behind the driver, wets his finger in his mouth, and sticks it in the driver’s ear. The driver yells, “Lady, get your friggin’ retarded son off me!” The woman replies, “Ross isn’t retarded, he’s special!” and drags him back to sit down.
At the next stop, a guy in a business suit gets on. Finally, the driver thinks, someone normal. “Hi, you must be the new driver,” the guy says. “I’m Lester Sleaze.” A few minutes after pulling away from the stop, the driver looks in the rear-view mirror and sees the ‘normal’ guy with his shoes off, picking at his bunions. To hell with the job, he says to himself, I just want to get through this route and I quit! He starts driving like crazy just to get to the end of the line, but before long, he sees blue lights flashing and has to pull over.
The cop walks up and asks for his license. The driver hands it over, and says, “Do you blame me? Do you know what I have here? I’ve got two obese Patties, special Ross, Lester Sleaze pickin’ bunions on the Sesame Street bus!”
This one’s kinda hard to tell in written form, but here goes:
The coach of the Penn State football team (I’m a Wisconsin Badger, BTW) was in need of some new linemen, so he went out into the rural parts of Pennsylvania to see what he could find. Upon his return he presented his finds, three hulking young men, to the school president for admission. The president scratched his head for a bit and rationalized it for the sake of the team, but just couldn’t let them play without some sort of acedemic test to admit them to the school. The coach cautioned that these were not the sharpest tools in the shed and asked the Pres. to keep it fairly simple. The pres agreed and asked the coach to send in the applicants one at a time.
“This is a very simple test to qualify you for admission”, said the president as the first young man came in. “Spell the word ‘before’ for me, please.”
The young man thought for a long time and then began to speak. (this is where you need to imagine the proper “hick-type” accent) “Befo. B-E-F-O. Befo”
With some regret, the president cannot accept this and sends the young man away. The next comes in and is posed the same question. After much thought, the second young man proceeds.
“Befo. B-E-F-O-R. Befo.”
Again the school president is dissapointed and sends the player away.
The third prospective football player enters the president’s office and is asked the same question as the first two. He thinks a bit and then:
“Befo. B-E-F-O-R-E. Befo.”
The president in his joy, says, “That’s correct! Now please use it in a sentence.”
The young man responds,“Befo. Two and Two Befo. Befo.”
And of course, one of my other favorite bad jokes:
A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a plate of eucalyptus. He sits down to his meal and dines quietly on the tender leaves and shoots of his favorite tree. Upon finishing his meal, the panda abruptly stands up, pulls out a gun and fires at a patron at the next table after which he proceeds to walk out the door. As he is leaving, the bartender confronts him about the unusual behavior. The panda replies, “I’m a panda bear, look it up.” Being something of a scholar, the barkeep goes to his office and pulls down a dictionary from the shelf. Looking up Panda he finds the following entry:
Panda Bear, n.: a large black and white bear found mostly in China, eats shoots and leaves.
