Let’s say I got something wrong, and said “I thought…”
My dad had a reply for that:
“I thought the show was at 9:00”
“That’ll teach you to think.”
(rimshot)
It came to me overnight. Curley from The Three Stooges used to say this.
At the dinner table:
Mom: Do you wanna roll?
Me: Yes
Mom: Then get down on the floor and start.
Dad: Are you through eating?
Me: Yes
Dad: Then knock your teeth out.
“On the other hand” was invariably followed by Mom saying “she wore a glove.”
If I complained that some meal didn’t look good, my SDad would say “It will look a lot worse when you get through with it.”
Slight hijack: It was from Bowery Boys They were the reincarnation of the Eastside Boys and before that, the Deadend Kids
My dad loves this bit:
"As I said to the woman with the wooden leg, I said ‘Peg, it’s a cold night…everyone has to make some sacrifices.’ "
Also, he would get bored when I was a kid from answering the 19 quintillion questions. He was in his early 20’s when I was little. So, I’d ask questions and if he didn’t feel like answering b/c too long of an answer or he didn’t know…I got this.
Me: “Dad, why does {question}h?”
Him: “To make little girls ask questions.”
In fun, I once got him back when I was older. He walked into the convo and asked me a question. I responded with “To make old Dads ask questions.” He had a Harry Chapin moment and it cracked him up.
She’s grown up just like me!
Does this count?
Excellent OP name/thread combo. These days as a parent I get to perpetrate the bad one-liners, as for instance:
Child: “Will you make me a cup of coffee?” Me: “Shazam!! You’re a cup of coffee.”
or
Child: “What’s for tea?” Me: “Pigs’ feet and look at it.”
my dad had a bunch of these:
What’s for dinner?= Fish heads and rice
But I thought…=that’s what you get for thinking.
He also had funny names for things, some related to his Air Force career: chicken legs were landing gear, a Christmas tree was a Santa claus bush and a Chritmas card was a Santa Claus ticket.
Well, it is the title of a song (and I’ve heard it referenced in the lyrics of another song), but I don’t know how useful it is as a saying.
Dad: “That would gag a maggot on a gut truck”.
Dad was very subtle.
mmm
Ha, my mom used to say both of these, except as “That would gag a maggot” and “That would knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.”
Ah, moms. 
Any time someone was observed eating a lobster, my Mom would always say reflexively, “Bring me the winner.”
If you care, that was the punch line to a very old and not very funny joke.
A man went to a fancy restaurant and ordered lobster. When the waiter brought it, the man noticed that it only had one claw. He asked the waiter why, and the waiter said “Sorry, sir, it got into a fight with another lobster in the tank.”
The man glared at the waiter and said, Well, take this one back and bring me the winner."
My dad would say this too! Now, I say it.
Me: Hey!
Mom: Hay is for horses and donkeys like you.
Me: So…
Mom: Sew a blanket.
Me: What are you doing?
Mom: Mildewing.
This last one took me forever to figure out.
Alfred Hatchplot, Walter Chronic, Paul Hardley.
My Dad never made lame jokes but unfortunately I’ve developed the habit of inflicting them on my kids.
“What’s the time?”
“Two-thirty.”
“Better see a dentist about that.”
Every new year’s eve as I’m putting each of the kids to bed, I say goodnight, look at them earnestly and say: “I have some bad news. I have to go away for a while and I won’t see you again until next year.”
My father-in-law’s new year’s eve joke:
“Did you see that man? He had as many noses as there are days left in the year.”
My Daddy said this too, except he would add “to keep from molding” 
Mom: “Women have many faults. Men have only two: everything they say and do.”
Seen once in a stupid shop somewhere. Repeated a few thousand times for the next thirty years of my life.
Every time Dad said “let’s see” he would follow it with “said the blind man”.
He had a lot of county sayings-
“Blowing like a sow coon” for a windy day.
“Grinning like a mule eating saw briars.”
“Raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock”.
But the funniest were the things he would make up on the spot like when he would poke his head in my door while I had my music on and go “oh, I thought somebody was beating a bag full of cats with a guitar in here”.