Gee didn’t he finish it with “as he picked up his hammer and saw.” My dad didn’t say that but one of my aunts and uncles did all the time.
The full bit as I heard it was “I see.” “… said the blind carpenter to his deaf daughter as he picked up his hammer and saw.”
In response to “but Dad, you have to…”
I don’t have to do anything but die and pay taxes.
Whenever we whined, “I can’t!”, my mom would snap, “Can’t never did a damn thing!” Well, that was helpful.
I have a lot of pat answers because I like to annoy the kids. When my kids whine that they want something, I nod solemnly and agree. “Yes, you do.”
This is one from my ex-husband, who had a pathological aversion to questions. Any question starting with “where” would be answered, “If it was up your butt, you’d know.”
I got tired of kids moaning when I told them what was being served for dinner, so after a while, when they asked what we were having, I’d say, “Poop.” Sometimes I’d mix in a bit of the actual truth, i.e. “poop chops”, “pooploaf”, “poopghetti”, etc.
Other times, the kids would ask me for help with something they were perfectly capable of doing themselves. I think the first time it happened, the girl wanted help unscrewing the lid of a previously-opened jar of olives. I told her to imagine that she was in a plane, flying over the desert, when suddenly the pilot had a heart attack! She tried to revive him, then she tried to steer the plane, but it crashed! She was the lone survivor. As she trekked through the barren wasteland, she suddenly discovered a jar of olives. “Without these olives, you will perish, but the lid is on tight…What will you DO?” She laughed and was miraculously able to unscrew the lid. Ever since then, whenever a child is about to give up on something without trying very hard, it’s “Pretend you’re in the desert.”
Ok - so Dung Beetle reminded me of of one of my Mom’s, that I never understood.
Any question “Where is my…?” would garner the response “Where’s your pants?” I guess the implication is I should know where my own stuff was, but is still does not make complete sense to me.
Something I used on my own kids:
Kid somehow hurts himself, jumps up and down or yells “Ow!” or whatever.
I’d say “What did you do?”
They’d say “I dropped something on my foot (or whatever)”
I’d say “What did you do that for?”
It finally got to the point where I’d say “What did you do?” and they’d answer “I’m not telling you!”
If someone was nervous, my dad would say “You look as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs”
My friend’s dad (and then my friend) used the variation “‘I see’ said the blind man, pissing into the wind…‘Its all coming back to me now.’”
My mom did a variant on the above-mentioned haircut lines. If someone would say I needed a haircut or something, she’d agree, but then add “we’re just not sure which hair to cut yet.”
If someone said “I’m sorry,” she’d follow up with “Yes, you are.” I do this on occasion, but no one seems to catch on. Pretty similar to neofishboy’s dad’s “There’s no excuse for you” follow up, which she also did a lot.
Whenever she saw a store sign where some lights had gone out, eliminating or changing some of the letters, she took great delight in calling the store by its new name in perpetuity. I still call Steak ‘n’ Shake “Steak ‘n’ Snake” thanks to her, and call out new store names when I see them while out (often confusing the hell out of my friends).
She got tired of people using months for their children’s ages past a year or so old (Geoffrey is 38 months old!), so she began replying with my age in months, well into my adulthood (Oh, he’s 242 months old now!).
A number of my family members have over the top threats for their children: “I’m going to beat you to a pulp, then beat you for being a pulp,” “I’ll tear you from limb to limb, then beat you with your limbs,” etc. And they all picked up on insults from Looney Tunes, and love calling their kids/grandkids “Nimrod,” “maroon,” and “nin-cow-poop.” I’m sure some people assume they’re just mispronouncing those last two when they overhear them.
Just about every time we’d go somewhere, my dad would say that we’re going to Buchstahusen and for the longest time, I thought the McHenry County damn was buchstahusen.
My grandpa would always say “And we’re off like a herd of turtles” whenever he would drive somewhere – didn’t matter if it was just to the store or some long drive. My mom picked that up from him and said it quite a bit and I’ve said it when we go on long drives.
My roommate in college would often talk about “rat turds and onions” for dinner, sometimes substituting rabbit turds. I presume that he got it from his dad and I crack it out once in a while myself when the kids ask what’s for dinner.
My dad’s favorite joke when driving through the country was to point out a round roll of hay and say that the farmers don’t like those because they say their cows don’t get a square meal. He cracked that one out every time.
Me: Hey, I’ve got a question.
Mom: Well, I’ve got an answer, let’s see if they match.
Optionally followed up by:
Me: (Whatever I was going to ask her)
Mom: Ooooh sorry, my answer was “Panama” (or something similarly silly)
My aunt used to use this one on my cousin all the time:
Cousin: Mom, can you get me (a soda from the fridge, or something else he was easily capable of retrieving)?
Aunt: Do you have two broken arms and two broken legs? No? Then get it yourself.
My Granny says that too!
I can remember running up to my mom wanting to tell her some news of earth-shattering importance to a grade-school age kid.
Me: “Mom! Mom! You know what?”
Mom would answer with “I know a lot of whats, what what do you want to tell me?”
I caught myself using that one on my niece not too long ago.
My sixteen year old son was beyond delighted when we saw a Perkins restaurant sign where the top swoosh of the P had gone dark, resulting in “Jerkins”. 
No, but I know his brother, Who.
Love the “Pretend you’re in the desert,” Dung Beetle. Pity my kids are all grown and old.
Ah, nostalgia! For my Dad, it was, “And we’re off like a herd of wild turtles.” He and Mom would sometimes call people OO-gee birds, which just sounded daffy to a child. I learned later that the bird wasn’t chirping, oo-gee, oo-gee. It was saying, “OO-gee, it’s dark in here!” (because it’s head was up its butt).
Dad would occassionally say that someone looked like the south end of a north-bound mule. Or horse. Or, in the case of a daughter suddenly wearing bright red lipstick, baboon. None of us picked up these phrases, so I haven’t heard them or thought about them in awhile.
One I used when the younger two boys were being rowdy - “Cut that out or I’ll tie your feet together and throw one of you over the fence.”
There’s a lot of oldie-but-moldies in this thread, all right!
My mom’s comment in that situation would be “Do you have a piano tied to your rear?”
My dad had a bunch of wisecracks he’d use over and over (some of which have been listed already):
Child: I’m too tired to walk!
Dad: Why don’t you run instead?
Child: Can I have a ride to XYZ?
Dad: I’ll give you a ride on the end of my toe!
Whenever we have peas for supper: Have a pea!
Whenever one of us had a haircut: Does your head feel lighter?
When they were sick, I’ve subjected my children to “Does your nose run and your feet smell? Then you’re built upside down!”
Chilli today and hot tamale.
My dad’s version was “A buck two-forty”. I think it was from Hee-Haw. Junior Samples?
My 5th-grade teacher: “You have the ability to, but you do not have permission to.”
My least-favorite teacher ever.
My dad’s version: “On the other hand, I have five fingers.”
Sigh. 5th-grade teacher again. Except her version, which she though was perfectly suitable for 10-year-olds, was simply, “You don’t have to do anything but die.”
One from my mother that drove me nuts as a small boy:
Me: “Mommy?”
Her: “That’s my name, that’s my name, ask me again, I’ll tell you the same!”
Of course, I figured out the reason for that when I was older. Little kids are still learning all the “rules” of conversation, and one of the first things they pick up on is the “taking turns” part of it. So little kids expect it to go like this:
Kid: Mommy?
Mom: What?
Kid: Blah blah blah…
Without that “what?” cue to tell them to continue, they don’t realize it’s their turn to talk again and will keep repeating, “Mommy?” until they get it. I noticed it with my nieces when they were small:
Niece: Uncle Rik?
Me: stop what I’m doing, look right at her, give her my full attention, but don’t say “what?”
Niece: … waits for me to say “what?”
My mom used to threaten to reach down my throat and yank me inside out if I did not stop whatever I was doing to annoy her.
I got the ‘To make little girls ask questions’ line, which drove me up the wall.
My father was a ‘Can’t never did nothing till he tried’ man.
I also was told that people in hell want ice water, should I being a sentence with ‘I want…’
If you say, “Jesus Christ!” or “Oh Lord!” or “Oh God!” around my husband he will invariably say, “Yes, my child?” I love him so much. Except for this. Just this.
We got that one from my dad all the time.
“Off like a bucket of prawns in the sun” was the version we got.
“This will hurt me more than it will hurt you”** - somehow I doubt that.
“Eat your dinner. There are children starving in Africa” :rolleyes:
**The day my dad gave me a swat on the butt & I had a Matchbox car in my back pocket proved that this sometimes can come true.