What the hell. With Christmas only a few days away I thought we could discuss this movie. So list your favorite scenes, quotes, etc. from this holiday classic.
I’ll start off by quoting one of my favorite scenes:
I think of this movie every time I pass a house with those candle-in-a-bag thingies (luminaria?) lining their driveways. I always can see with utter clarity a half-dressed Santa, bedraggled and dirty, knocking one over and stomping out the flames, cursing.
Kid: Your beard’s not real.
Willie: It was real, but I got sick and all the hair fell out.
Kid: How’d you get sick?
Willie: I loved a woman who wasn’t clean.
Kid: Mrs. Claus?
Willie: Actually it was her sister.
Should I fix you some sandwiches?
OK. 30% There’s three of us. 30%, that’s fair.
Half.
I meant 33.
I meant half.
And a third.
Half.
Half.
Half.
Half.
…45.
<long pause> Half.
48?
<In British accent.> Hahlf.
Half.
…ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable Bernie Mac.
Willie: You know, I think I’ve turned a corner.
Marcus: Yeah? You fucking petites now?
Willie: No, I’m not talking about that. I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno, like I accomplished something.
Marcus: You need many years of therapy. Many, many fuckin’ years of therapy.
Kid: Santa!
Willie: Yeah.
Kid: You’re bringing my present early?
Willie: No
Kid: But I never told you what I wanted.
Willie: I said I didn’t bring it, dipshit.
Kid: Why do you need a car?
Willie: What the fuck are you talking about?
Kid: This car.
Willie: Which turn is it?
Kid: Sage Terrace. Where’s your sleigh?
Willie: It’s in the shop, getting repaired.
Kid: Where are the reindeer?
Willie: I stabled them. Is it left or right?
Kid: That way. Where’s the stable?
Willie: Next to the shop.
Kid: How do they sleep?
Willie: Who? The reindeer? Standing up.
Kid: But the noise. How do they sleep?
Willie: What noise?
Kid: From the shop.
Willie: They only work during the day, all right?
Kid: I thought it was always night at the North Pole.
Willie: Well, not now. Right now it’s always day.
Kid: Then how do they sleep?
Willie: Oh, shit. Sage Terrace. What is it with you, anyway? Somebody drop you on your fucking head?
Kid: On my head?
Willie: Well, yeah. What, are they gonna drop you on somebody else’s head?
Kid: How can they drop me onto my own head?
Willie: No, not onto your… Would… God damn it! Are you fucking with me?
John Ritter was great in this one, too, if only for the facial expressions. “He’s not going to say fuck-stick in front of the children, is he?”
And who can forget Lauren Graham? ("Fuck me Santa! Fuck me Santa!)
This movie (with a generous serving of bourbon) has become a Christmas Eve tradition at my house. My favorites:
“Yeah baby, you ain’t gonna shit right for a week.”
Followed a little later by “Screw your kinky ass, Willie! Last time I didn’t shit right for a week!”
“Fuck the loofah, let’s go!”
Love that movie.
Bob Chipeska: It’s not just the swearing. Forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um, fornicate…
Willie: Fornicate?
Bob Chipeska: Yes. With a heavy-set woman in the big-and-tall dressing room?
Willie: Look, I’ve boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But, as far back as I can remember, I’ve never fornicated anybody.
The opening monologue is still my favorite part of this movie. The first time I watched it, it took me about 6 viewings before I wasn’t laughing so hard I was crying and could continue with the rest of the movie.
Oh, and I fucking love this part:
Kid: I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink. But now I changed my mind.
Willie: Yeah? What?
Kid: Now I don’t want an elephant at all. I want a gorilla named Davy for beating up the skateboard kids who pull on my underwear. And he can take his orders from the talking walnut, so it won’t be my bad thing.
[Santa looks at the kid in confusion]
Jesus kid, what is it with you and fucking sandwiches?
Your name is Thurman? Thurman Merman?
Yes.
Jesus, kid.
Heee! You tube. NSFW
ETA: NSFW. Duh.
I think we’ve found our new Christmas Eve tradition. 
What goes with “Bad Santa” - Chinese?
Sandwiches.
And alcohol.
“Can’t I at least take this hat off?”
“No, I love the hat!”
I just gotta say, I love this movie too. It aint Shakespear but it sure is good for many laughs. The thing that strikes me is how each character is well written (but an exagerated version of reality) and how well each actor plays their part.
Not yet mentioned.
The heart tugging scene near the end where Santa is mowed down in a blaze of gunfire by the po pos while trying to deliver the elephant.
Loved it. Though the reveiws were mixed, I want to see “I Love You Phillip Morris”.
On Christmas Eve, yet. That’s even more fucked up than Rodney King.