Bad Ways To Start Your Day

You wake up to find a badger gnawing on your leg.

You get in the shower and, instead of water, you get doused with olive oil.

You accidentally swallow your toothbrush.

  1. The spring to your garage door is broken.

  2. The shelf in the garage that had two 5 gallon paint buckets filled with paint falls. The buckets open and you have close to ten gallons of paint on the floor of your garage. Oh and… one of your dogs tracks through it.

  3. A girl crashes into your rear end bumper at a stop light. She begs you to not call the police because she has warrants for her arrest. You have a major brain cramp and agree to exchange information. She has a proof of insurance card but when you get to the office and call the insurance agent, you learn that she has not made her monthly payment.

  4. You are out of coffee.

  5. You are out of cream.

  6. Your chain or flapper in the back of your toilet is not behaving. You lift up the back of the tank to adjust it. You touch it and water starts spewing everywhere.

  7. Your dogs corner an opossum in your back yard at 4:00am. You see the neighbors’ lights coming on on both sides of you.

  8. The SDMB is down.

waking up :rolleyes:

in winter…

finding 12" of new snow on your sidewalk and car, and damnit, you left your snow shovel in your car after last week’s snow storm.

you trudge through the snow to your car, only to find that there was actually freezing rain first, so you can’t get your car door open.

on the way back to the house to get some hot water to pour over the door, you slip and go down on your butt in the snow.

once you have poured the hot water over the door, you don’t move quickly enough, so the door refreezes a bit, and in the process of yanking on the door handle, you yank the handle clean off.

back inside to get a butter knife to pry the door open, fall again.

finally get the door open, but when you pull out the manual choke, the tube pops free of the dashboard.

btw, this actually happened when I was a senior in HS.

jacksen9 says:

This happened to me just a few months ago. Yes, I was very surprised (duh). My sister laughed at me and asked me if I was sure that I only got doused with liquid. I gave a heavy sigh and said “Yeah, I’m sure; no solids”. She started laughing even harder. Bitch

  • Not realising you’ve poured beer on your cereal

  • Taking and early morning shower and forgetting to take off your clothes.

  • Taking a shower and realising later that you’ve forgotten to take your clothes and the towel.

  • Going to a lecture then realise you’ve forgotten to take your notes. Then you realise you’re in the wrong lecture.

  • Going in to Uni early to print out your assignment. The file becomes corrupted. Cue manic cramming from previous draft that’s only 75% complete.

Swinging your feet over the edge of the bed, setting them gently down…into the cat barf.

Swinging your feet over the edge of the bed, setting them down, standing up and crack collapsing into a heap on the floor.

Apparently you played basketball last night and your ankles are none too pleased…

Wake up to find your dog standing on your chest, preparing to vomit…

Padding to the bathroom in your bare feet only to find out that the cat has helpfully retrieved a full mouse trap from the basement and left it at the top of the stairs.

Waking up to this. :frowning: :mad: :frowning:

Stepping in dog sh*t on your way to the terlit…and you don’t have a dog.

And this is a bad thing because … ?

Well, I could see that if it were lite beer <shudder>, then yeah.

If it’s good enough for Rudie, then it’s good enough for me!

Someone’s sewn you into your blankets.

When you hit your alarm, a giant boxing glove springs out and plugs you in the face.

You open your eyes to find that you’re naked, slung over the back of a three-legged donkey and wearing a sombrero.

You’ve got a throbbing erection, but you’re a girl.

No time for proper coffee, so grab a jar of instant, add boiling water and milk. Drink quickly and discover I’ve used instant gravy.

If no-one knows how horrible that tastes…

Okay, that’s the funniest damn thing I’ve read all day. You get a gold star.

Whacking your pinkie toe on the bed frame. For a few seconds you are stunned then the pain kicks in. You sit back down on the bed and tears begin to well up in your eyes. You try to touch it but that makes it hurt even worse. It throbs with every heartbeat. You try to move it and find it still works okay. You hobble around for a few minutes being careful not to let it touch anything. An hour later you know your toe is there but it doesn’t hurt as bad, by lunchtime it feels just fine.

Unfortunately it’s true - the top selling instant gravy in the UK is OXO - looks just like coffee granules. And it only happened two weeks back!

Glad it gave a laugh though - the taste was with me all morning!!