Bathroom Graffitti's Greatest Hits!

you see it everywhere.
sounds pretty self-explanatory to me.
Post here, Bathroom Graffitti’s Greatest Hits!
-or leave your own!
“If only my wife were THIS dirty!”

“Kilroy shat here.”


“For a good time, call that cheating *&^# of a wife at…”

“Scott wuz here. 1977
Scott wuz here. 1986
Scott wuz here. 1999
I killed Scott. 2003”

Anyone can piss on the floor. Be a hero. Shit on the ceiling.

Here I sit, broken hearted.
Came to shit and only farted.

Some come here to sit and think.
Some come here to shit and stink.
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on these walls.

Written in a stall in “Broadway Joe’s” (Buffalo, NY) in one distinctive handwriting:

“I fucked your mother!”

Written in a distinctly different handwriting just below it:

“Go home Dad, you’re drunk!”

Written on “the Phoenix” (lower east side of Manhattan) men’s room wall :

“You’re the load of cum your mother should have swallowed!”

My high school in Miami had some gangs. I’ll never forget this bathroom graffitti:
“The Frijoles Clan had intimate carnal knowledge of your mother!”

And a reply, in different handwriting:
“The Frijoles Clan had intimate carnal knowledge of EVERYBODY’S mother!”

King Norton is so nasty, he has to sneak up on his own dick to take a piss.

(Near the ceiling) My name is Too Tall, and I wrote this.
(Just above that) I am taller yet!
(On the ceiling) I’m taller than the both of you.

“I Fucked your mother!” To which someone responded, “Go home, Dad, you’re drunk.”

Seen on the wall at Canadian Forces Base Borden, in '98

"I’ve been sittin and a’squeezin,
Pinchin’ and a’gruntin,
No matter what happens it just won’t flow

Oh there it goes! The mother load!
It’s big, it’s wet and it’s green;
has eyes, so it seems.

Oh fuck… I just shit a toad."

“There once was a poem with only one line.”

“I masturbated in here”
“Perhaps you need A Room of Your Own, like Virginia Woolf”

The classic, spotted by someone and remembered forever by me:

Next to the toilet seat covers: “Free cowboy hats!”

Not graffitti, but alongside our No Diving - Shallow Water & OSHA ‘Wear Face Masks’ signs in the company bathrooms is this Bathroom Etiquette Rules Sheet

a friend of mine saw one writtin in the grout of the floor of a restroom… you had to lean and squint to read it, once in the position it read “you are now sh*tting at a 45 degree angle”

in another restroom was “if you take a sh*t put it back”

In one particular bathroom in my high school everyone wrote jokes on the wall over the urinals. There were dozens, but the best was “Don’t look up here – the joke is in your hand.”


I’ve mentioned this one before. In the 70’s there used to be AAU track & field meets in the old fieldhouse at the University of Chicago. Anyone running there will remember the red clay, and marvelously pinkish red boogers that resulted.

But I digress…

On the wall of a stall there:

“Richard Nixon took his wife to see Deep Throat 3 times before he finally got it down Pat”

Another I can’t recreate but can only describe, was a drawing of the molecular symbol for benzene, but with the downward pointing peace-sign looking thing in the middle. The caption read “Mercedes Benzene” If you’re a chemist, you can picture it. It was funny at the time, I swear…

Above a urinal somewhere:

“Do not eat the big white mint”

“Do not throw cigarette butts into the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light.”

“Do not throw toothpicks into the urinal. The crabs have learned to pole vault.”

At the University of Tennessee, there was a universal graffitto in many men’s restroom stalls: On the toilet paper dispenser in large, black letters was scrawled, “UT DIPLOMAS: TAKE ONE.”
Anyone who’s used a stall in Hodges Library knows what I’m talking about.
In a rest stop bathroom on the way to Orlando (so somewhere in Georgia): “Butt sex is for assholes.”

Here’s one I found elsewhere…
“Fight for the rights of the pansexual.” After the usual bible-beater remarks about how homosexuality is a sin, and all pansexuals will therefore burn in hell, there as a string of humorous responses. The first was “Does that mean you fuck a little guy with hooves and a flute?” they followed:

“or does he fuck you?”
“and what role, if any, is played by the flute?”
“It plays an octave, albeit minor, role.”

I saw this in a gas station just over the Alabama border.

Don’t bother not touching the seat,
Alabama crabs jump 5 to 10 feet.

In the Humanities Library at UCSD, someone quoted Captain Beefheart:

I was shanghaied
By a high hat beaver mustache man
'n his pirate friend
I woke up in vomit 'n beer
In a banana bin…

…to which another hand replied:

Bah. This stuff sucks.

Everybody’s a critic!

Above a urinal:


a few feet above that


near the ceiling


and, on the ceiling itself