Battle of the stupid Sit-Com Dads.

Cafe Society
1

And, in corner, we have a soup bowl, quite empty. And in that corner, we have infinity billion dollars Sitcom Dads.

(Voice from off screen: “That’s the spirit Frank! But I think a real number might be more effective.” )

We sit here tonight, wondering which dumb dad will die first. No, we have not told them to fight. Instead, we have opened the stadium roof so that it is now raining indoors. In just a short while, the soup bowl will fill up with rain water. Harmless to an ordinary person, but deadly to a D.S.D. What’s’ more, some of these dads will almost certainly look up in the sky when it rains and thereby drown. Others will make it all the way to the end of the ring, only to drown in the soup bowl. SOme may wonder off, but that is a risk we are willing to take. Now, while we are not allowed to place any other hazards in the ring, due to this states strict Darwin laws, other methods of death will surely be found. They are just that dumb.

So, I ask the audience to bet on the result. Which stereotype will die first? Which will make it too the bowl first? Who will wonder off, only to fall intro a crocodile pit that wasn’t there a second ago?

. . .

Oh, hold on, I am getting word from the front gate. A group of Dumb Dads from other forms of media are massed at the gate, demanding to be let in. They don’t seem to understand the concept of the match, no matter how much it is explained to them, but nonetheless, the are trying to muscle their way in. This, despite the fact that the guards are all cardboard cut-outs. Radio show dads, 1970s dumb-kid’s film dumb dads, major motion picture characters, they are all here as well.

2

Well, Peter Griffin, of Family Guy, doesn’t drown in the rain.

He wanders down to the teams’ locker room, & drowns in the shower. But then, he’s a class act.

3

Peter Griffin, Homer Simpson, and Stan Smith all seem likely contenders for the dumbest title. Unfortunately, as cartoons, they don’t quite obey the same rules of mortality as the rest of us. So I think all of them would survive.

Unless it’s a Halloween episode…

4

Stan SMith isn’t dumb. He’s… psychotic. Or something.

5

That dad from the show before Family Guy hopefully will die a terrible, terrible death. A death so terrible that my mind cannot even imagine how terrible a death it may be. I mean, a horrible death is not enough. A horrible death would be too good for this guy. It must be a terrible, terrible death.

I know! Tie his ass down in a chair and make him watch a loop of that show he’s on. I would consider that pretty terrible.

(I’m talking about the character of the dad, not the guy who plays him, so I guess I’m not really wishing death on someone…although the guy who plays the dad is pretty annoying…)

6

<The announcer who always seems to be screaming>

DICK SOLOMON IS ACTUALLY TRYING TO EAT THE BOWL! I REPEAT, DICK SOLOMON IS TRYINTG TO EAT THE BOWL! SWEATERPUPPIES!

</The announcer who always seems to be screaming>

p.s. I would like to know who the contests are, so even if you have no interest in who’s is most likely to die, I would love to see a straightforward listing of dumb sitcoms dads. There are more than just from those two shows, you know.