Thanks to EddyTeddyFreddy for saving me the trouble of having to spoil the entire final day. So it looks like this season won’t end on the lowest of low notes as I feared…which means that I’m actually kinda intrigued as to what all that glorification was even about. And the way things are shaping up, especially with a few early favorites looking less than impressive, it really looks like this season can be anyone’s game.
Nothing to do but do it! 
TOURNAMENT FIRST ROUND, LEFT SIDE 5/11/23
Black Dragon (2-2) vs. Ripperoni (3-1)
Ripperoni heads left and turns to face its foe. Small wepper which upends BD, and a few more hits which toss BD around. Given BD’s durability, I don’t think a wepper duel is the way to go here. BD gets righted but another wepper promptly upends it again. A big wepper which seems to rock Ripperoni. Someone in the Ripperoni pit admonishes the driver to get back to center. They do, and Ripperoni gets unbalanced a couple times but still manages to knock around BD some more. So far no visible damage on either side. BD gets rightside-up again, and finally it goes on the offensive, knocking around Ripperoni. Ripperoni…uh oh, that definitely was a pirouette, which means that it’s losing control. And just as I write that, BD’s weapon goes down, and this one’s down to a battle of guts. Ripperoni grinds away at BD’s front but still gets upended. Two more hits which toss around BD. I’m thinking that Ripperoni has this in the bag so long as it doesn’t die, which we’ve seen is sometimes the hardest task of all. And just as I write that, BD catches on fire. 
More shots traded, and Ripperoni’s smaller left wheel looks like it’s going down. With 30 seconds left, BD puts Ripperoni on the upper deck. It’s having trouble mov…no, it’s stopped! There’s 16 seconds left when the count starts…and that’ll do it!
Man. Even the BD guys aren’t trying to sugarcoat it: that was pure luck. Actually, I’m mostly surprised that the break-fist-face strategy, which has been the ruin of overly defensive bots like Duck, worked like a charm here. As for Team Ripperoni, they had a fine rookie season, and if they win Rookie of the Year, it would be simple justice. I think there’s still a ways to go before they reach the top echelon (they need either more power or more stability), but they’re definitely capable of it. This is a team that has a lot of fun, fights hard, and puts a heck of a machine out there, and for that I wish only the best for the future.
Monsoon (2-2) vs. Cobalt (3-1)
Someone on Team Monsoon tries to fire up the crowd with a butcher’s apron Union Jack. And Tim Ratley said that “Tom Brewster can outdrive Dave Holtz”. Make your own snarky comparison because I’m running way behind as it is. Cobalt’s going with a larger, more durable disk with no teeth.
The meet in the center. Cobalt draws first sparkitude, knocking Monsoon back, then runs around a bit before taking another bite. Cobalt briefly has Monsoon’s back but can’t get squared up, and they go head-to-head again. Cobalt pushes Monsoon to the wall just as Rose mention’s Monsoon’s reach advantage, and just then Monsoon launches Cobalt back (Xnij! 
) Cobalt struggles to get planted and retreats before its foe; Monsoon pursues and knocks its foe around some more. A Cobalt teammate shouts encouragement to Brewster. Monsoon is dominating right now, with Cobalt seemingly running scared and unable to find a response. Cobalt manages to fire back but at the cost of its left fork, and Monsoon immediately capitalizes by sending Cobalt skyward (In Matt Iseman parlance, “fullleyyyeeennnggg”). Which…will do it! 
Cobalt is overturned and not moving!
Huh. I’ll admit, I wasn’t impressed by Monsoon, but it came in with exactly the right gameplan against Cobalt, and the win was well-deserved. And yes, I agree with Tom Brewster that you can toss that “upset” poppycock. There are no freebies in the tournament. A bot that does the right things will beat a bot that does the wrong things, plain and simple. Just to hammer this point home, Rose puts up the prefight poll where 95% favored Cobalt, which only proves that the Division 1-A college football championship is the biggest joke in sports. 
As for Cobalt, this was a regression, but not a huge one. It’s definitely going to be back, but now everyone knows the limitations of the high-mounted wheel, and without a significant redesign that’s ultimately going to keep it from seeing the Giant Nut.
Fusion (2-2) vs. Minotaur (4-0)
In the prefight Florian praises Fusion’s “potential”, a fitting descriptor for a machine which has perpetually not done anything yet. 
A head-on collision with the drum side…and Minotaur is flipped! Then a second, and Minotaur gets thrown back! AND MINOTAUR HAS LOST A BELT! THIS COULD Fusion catches on fire and stops moving. 
I don’t like Minotaur’s Nut chances, obviously, but I really don’t like Fusion’s future. Good lord, Reese Ewert looks like he wants to crawl into a hole and die. 
Deathroll (2-2) vs. Hydra (3-1)
Deathroll kicks things off by driving right onto Hydra’s flipper and nearly getting launched into orbit. Then a small flip. Then another air-bot. Wow, using a high-mounted spinner against a low-set bot was a great idea, am I right? 
I’ll just skip to the first part that doesn’t resemble an Akane Tendo fight. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And Deathroll gets a hit…and is now completely stuck in Hydra. Unsticking Time Out! And…successful! Match restarts…and both bots have drive issues. Hydra proves that its flipper still works, so it still has a big edge. Jake Ewert switches to his tried-and-true “turret” offense, which Deathroll obligingly repeatedly blunders into. And that’s how it ends, Deathroll getting one lucky-ish shot and Hydra absolutely ruling everything else and taking a simple yooner.
Ribbot (1-3) vs. Quantum (4-0)
Ribbot is going in with eight forks, presumably to make some kind of point. Perhaps appropriately, given the kind of season it’s had, it promptly gets stuck in a saw notch, allowing Quantum to punch a hole in its rear. Ribbot somehow gets free but has trouble pressing the attack. Quantum zips around looking for an opening. It gets impatient and tries to force the issue, and immediately pays the price by getting slammed on its head. It rights before Ribbot can do any serious damage to its underbelly and retreats. And then it does another Stupid Male Sheep Assault and gets thrown backwards again. Shades of Headbutt Man slamming his eye socket into a unicorn horn (as chronicled in my most recent body of work ) Yo! Driver! When you have a mobility advantage, use it! Also, the other guy has a spinner and you don’t, so that’s clearly not the way to go in the first place! Quantum looks in trouble. Shouts of “Ya woo ga weh yeh yoo, ya ga wan da weh geh yo!” from Ribbot’s driver. I think these people should just send text messages, speed be damned. Quantum…can’t…right! A monumzzzzzzzzz I’ve seen too many of these to be shocked.
See, this is why 3, 4, or 100 unconvincing wins don’t matter a damn in the tournament. Team Quantum had the look of a squad that let success get to their heads and came in overconfident and sloppy, which is always the kiss of death. They definitely have a future as a gatekeeper at minimum, but they’re going to have to learn to stop doing exactly what the opponent wants.
Malice (3-1) vs. Switchback (3-1)
A rare public appearance by Ray Billings, here to support Bunny Sauriol.
Switchback comes in with its drum raised, allowing Malice to get the first hit to the body. Switchback gets turned to the side against the wall and Malice continues attacking. Switchback manages to reverse-arm and draw some sparks from Malice. They disengage and Malice goes after the front and back. Malice pins Switchback against a screw; it escapes but Malice catches its back again. Uh oh, Switchback’s drum is looking barely operational while Malice’s wheel is still going full blast. Malice drives Switchback to the corner, and now it’s having drive issues. We’ve seen this dance of death so many times, and as always, it’s only a question of whether one official or three is going to give the final verdict. Ooh, a weapon chain on the floor. (Sure, Florian, flog the horse race narrative, don’t want my opinion of you to get too high, now, do you? 
)
Perfunctory yooner for Malice. I will say this: It’s not the hardest-hitting or toughest bot, but it wins the matches it should. Switchback has some potential, but for now it’s still more a curiosity than anything.
Tidbit from the Sawblaze garage: fine-tuning one of its forks for its upcoming match with Blip.
Oh, boy, here it comes. The aftermath of last week’s Riptide-Shatter 
OKAY, TIME OUT - Let’s get one thing perfectly clear: I am not a fan of Adam Wrigley. He has serious delusions of grandeur, and that snivelling over the Horizon decision was downright embarrassing. But if Team Riptide fudged with the weigh-in, he absolutely had not only the right but the obligation to call it out, and at minimum the match should’ve been ruled a no contest. I don’t care how whiny he was, rules are rules. So of course Ethan Kurtz not only assumes full denial mode and decries the “waste of time”, he says that Wrigley has “no evidence”, which anyone with a functioning brain knows is the same a full confession. I already mentioned how he is the most repulsive, bratty, classless personality I’ve ever seen in Battlebots, but if the powers in charge are allowing him to openly flout the rules with this bush league gamesmanship, we have a much more serious problem on our hands. This is a man, a team, a mentality that is threatening to make a mockery of the entire league with the full endorsement of the people running it, and I don’t have to tell you how messed up that is.
Whiplash (2-2) vs. Beta (3-1)
Beta sticking with the “spatty”. It gets the first shot to the front of Whiplash which flips the back upward. Whiplash counters with a fork flip to Beta’s front. Beta swings…hits!..no damage. Whiplash gets Beta upended, drives it toward the upper deck, and puts it on it. Of course, since that also did no…
…oh, no way. Beta’s stopped moving! The censor-mouth in the Beta pit tells the whole story. It can shift slightly by flailing its hammer, but that doesn’t count as controlled movement. Count starts, count ends. Holy crap, I do believe this is the first time in league history putting the opponent on the upper deck was an effective offensive move! 
It’s always been my contention that Beta can only beat an opponent that lacks knockout power; that it gave out so quickly against a pattycaker like Whiplash is a very bad sign. These Brits are a smart, classy bunch and I don’t begrudge their presence here at all, but it’s become painfully clear that they’re never going to win anything meaningful.
Blip (2-2) vs. Sawblaze (3-1)
Juking. Blip briefly has an angle but can’t get close enough to attack. Sawblaze is working hard to keep its opponent in front. Sawblaze climbs atop Blip but extricates itself almost immediately. Blip attacks Sawblaze’s left hard and eats a clown hammer for its trouble. Uh oh, Sawblaze gets its forks under Blip, shoves it into a barrier, and attacks with the saw! Blip is hung out to dry, and Sawblaze delivers another chop. Back in the middle, Sawblaze catches Blip again, throws Blip into a screw, and goes after the rear. Blip flips and makes a tiny breeze. As the fight goes back to the middle, Blip’s looking a bit squirrelly and something definitely just fell off of it. Sawblaze continues its assault. They’re in the corner…ooh, Blip manages to rush ahead and get Sawblaze airborne! And…that’s it. Still no action from its weapon. Sawblaze retakes the offensive, getting a few more clean shots. Oh, Blip gets under Sawblaze…completely under, no flip. Geez, I know Sawblaze is really hard to beat, but you gotta at least try!
Everything always beats nothing, and Tauheed doesn’t waste a second stating the obvious. Jameson Go, who is the happiest I’ve ever seen him…wait, what? Oh, he lost to Monsoon, so he wants to beat Monsoon now. 
Whatever.
The show ends with some CBS sports ripoff thing, which I’ll cover if I ever feel like it.
Okay, done! 
I have a long weekend and I’m eager to get to the final day, so expect second round coverage pretty soon.